H in A&E 300 miles away

[RainbowLife]

There is an AIBU here, hopefully I'll find out what it is before the end of this post.

H went away 2 weeks ago to 'visit his DSis and DBro for a pre Xmas meal' but in fact to have a quiet drink and other secretive behaviour. He's an alcoholic, a catastrophic relapse inevitably followed, I couldn't allow him to come home (10yo with SEN- safeguarding).

H was taken to A&E by ambulance last night. 300 miles away.

We only rekindled our relationship very recently and married less than a year ago. He was sober when we married, appeared to be happy and doing well. I didn't see this coming (although I knew when we married there was no guarantee he would never drink again).

H may or may not be admitted. If not, as he can't return to where has been staying there is no obvious place for him to go or way to get there. H is a vulnerable adult even if sober. In his 60s multiple health problems, ASD, diabetes.

If he's kept in hospital there's longer to figure out what to do. If hospital says they will discharge should I

• drive 7hrs there to collect H and take him to eg travelodge near the recovery service he's in contact with (their idea pre ambulance event, he's asked for help accessing detox and has a caseworker, if he was local but not in the family home they can supoort him more effectively). This would mean leaving DS with family locally for a coupke of days.

Or - book him a taxi to the nearest Travelodge and try and collect him or arrange transport on Monday. Or

• something else.

His Dsis and DBro don't know about the relapse and can't/won't help (BIL elderly + DSIL a carer) so I'm inclined not to involve them but let H decide whether or when to make contact. They are not local to where he is is currently but about 250 miles nearer than me! AIBU?

IABU = you are an idiot, run for the hills
IANBU = he is an idiot, but you should probably get him to the recovery service if it's doable.

PS I have a very low income at the moment as 10yo DS is very part time at school awaiting urgent EHCP review/change of placement so I can only work very part time. I have savings. H has no income and has blown his pension pot, currently maxing out a new credit card...

Yes, the 'marriage' is essentially over.

You are not responsible for him and you cannot help an Alcoholic and no matter how hard you try, you will fail.

You need to get a divorce asap unless you want to become financially responsible for him after his money has all gone.

If you’re always there to pick up the pieces, nothing will ever change and he will always be a major burden.

This is not fair on your DS. You need to put his needs first.

From experience I would be backing away. Yes the hospital has a duty of care, but their first default, and that of the other agencies dealing with him will be to try to involve OP in his care. If she’s approached, she needs to make it clear that she is in no position to provide any support.

Having been where you are now ... Run for the hills. I'll give you a lift.

Newsflash: It's not 1950. You don't have to live the rest of your life in a miserable marriage just because someone told you a lie that they were "recovered".

So in a DV situation, 'well he's your husband, you married him, stay with him,? As they say on MN ODFOTTFSOF....

There isn't anything you can do to solve his addiction issues. He is the only person who can do that and has to want to, which it doesn't sound as though he currently does.

I would spend time figuring out how to explain to your DS that your DH has died, a man in his 60's with diabetes and probably other co-morbidities and alcohol addiction probably isn't long for this world !

Is he your dc father? They do bot deserve the misery he will put you through as he self destructs. Don't collect him , the hospital will discharge him to a service without you.

I'd tell him you are not in a position to help him due to your need to prioritise your SEN child's needs, safeguarding, your financial circumstances, your time circumstances (having your child at home due to school issues), and your emotional circumstances. You're done. This is not what you signed up for. This is absolutely not what your child signed up for.

Tell him you'll arrange a taxi to collect him from the hospital to take him to a hostel/travelodge/location of his choice that he can pay for, and that you'll be filing for a divorce.

If he's a safeguarding risk to your son then that's that isn't it?

You can't let him back.

Will that always be the case or at some point would be be allowed back?

Also, FWIW, I split with XH nearly 6yrs ago and have been divorced for nearly 4yrs. I have had repeatedly tell doctor, hospitals etc that I am NOT his NOK (next of kin) and will not be looking after him or offering any care at all. Not now, not ever. I sound harsh, but the services will ask and will try to foist him on you (and he may say, "oh yes, my wife/ex wife will take care of me"). You have to stand firm.

It's actually a bit of a blessing that this has happened when he's 300miles away. It means that it's more difficult for him to be able to just show up at yours. Hopefully he can just stay up there away from you and your DC.

I didn't realise that you'd mentioned in other posts about him having affairs etc. That should hopefully make it easier for you to draw a line under all this. Hell, his bloody OW can have him!!

He's a vulnerable adult with an illness (despite popular opinion here, alcoholism is an illness and needs treating as such). Don't get a hotel, but try if you can to get him to a place of safety from afar. He will be effectively homeless, so see if you can refer him to social care or a homeless charity. Then leave him be with whatever professionals you can muster for support.

Leave him there- he can go and stay with SIL or get back the way he got there. If he chooses to fall back into addiction then you know rehab wouldn’t have worked anyway.

My stepfather was an alcoholic, I never forgave my Mother for what she put us her children all through as she stayed with him. When I was 13 he died at aged 50, I was very pleased. He is the only person in my entire life I wanted to die it’s not great for anyone let alone a child to have that feeling.

Do nothing.

👆👆 this 👆👆

Addiction is a bit more complex than mere 'selfishness'. But yes, OP should let the hospital sort it out.

As much as people say something awful has usually happened to someone to make them an addict. How they probably need love and understanding because of trauma. As a word of warning. My sister now has issues with alcohol and I would say undiagnosed MH issues because of what we went though. The things she has done are truly awful. The cycle of trauma often repeats in families. Break the cycle for the sake of your chilD.

@Ladamesansmerci , I agree alcoholism needs treating...but it can only be treated if the alcoholic actually WANTS to be treated, and sticks with/engages with the help and treatment. You can put everything in place: rehab, safe place to live, counselling, referrals, care input etc but if they don't engage, then there is absolutely nothing you can do (apart from leave them to it). I wish it was an easy fix, I really do. The hospital can make those referrals for him though, and they can sort out getting him there. After that, it is down to him, not OP.

When the welfare of your child is at stake then you put the vows gets to be put aside. He will bring them down with him financially and emotionally otherwise and then he will leave this earth with a trail of destruction for them to fix. No man is worth the wellbeing of one’s child, ever.

Much as I see that you want to help him, I don't think that bringing him nearer you will be helpful to your own family. Can you phone the hospital and explain that you have a vulnerable child so are unable to help? Then let them find a local place/support for him. I know this will feel extremely harsh but you really have to protect yourself and your child.
Give him an inch and he'll take a mile...

See a solicitor on Monday and file for divorce immediately. Move most of your joint money onto your own op account for the time being, leave him a bit so he can sort out somewhere to stay.

He’s an adult, and has got himself into this situation. It’s up to him to deal with NOT you.

Your child and yourself are your priorities.

If he's a vulnerable adult within the meaning of the Care Act 2014 you call Adult Services in the area where he is now, and hand over responsibility to them (not that you're responsible in any event).

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I hope there are brighter days ahead.

But then they'll have her info. Let the hospital do that if they feel there's a need.
He's got the chutzpah to book this 2 weeks away, travel independently meet and see the OW cash in his pension, apply for and max out credit cards....
If he wants help, it is on him.

Sorting out the consequences of his actions makes you his enabler. Remember that. He knows deep down that you'll always pull him out of the shit he gets himself into.

My grandfather and 2 uncles were alcoholics, and I've seen 1st hand the devastation and agony that they leave in their wake. Set your DC free from that burden

I never stated my opinions on the options listed. .

I just can’t understand why she married an alcoholic . The child has always been priority, but now OP is in a situation she didn’t need to be in if she hadn’t married and I feel hasn’t taken her vows seriously.

Obviously any children come first .

Oh it's even worse than Op has suggested on this thread then.

Op - hopefully you are taking the very sensible advice given to you here.