H in A&E 300 miles away

[RainbowLife]

There is an AIBU here, hopefully I'll find out what it is before the end of this post.

H went away 2 weeks ago to 'visit his DSis and DBro for a pre Xmas meal' but in fact to have a quiet drink and other secretive behaviour. He's an alcoholic, a catastrophic relapse inevitably followed, I couldn't allow him to come home (10yo with SEN- safeguarding).

H was taken to A&E by ambulance last night. 300 miles away.

We only rekindled our relationship very recently and married less than a year ago. He was sober when we married, appeared to be happy and doing well. I didn't see this coming (although I knew when we married there was no guarantee he would never drink again).

H may or may not be admitted. If not, as he can't return to where has been staying there is no obvious place for him to go or way to get there. H is a vulnerable adult even if sober. In his 60s multiple health problems, ASD, diabetes.

If he's kept in hospital there's longer to figure out what to do. If hospital says they will discharge should I

• drive 7hrs there to collect H and take him to eg travelodge near the recovery service he's in contact with (their idea pre ambulance event, he's asked for help accessing detox and has a caseworker, if he was local but not in the family home they can supoort him more effectively). This would mean leaving DS with family locally for a coupke of days.

Or - book him a taxi to the nearest Travelodge and try and collect him or arrange transport on Monday. Or

• something else.

His Dsis and DBro don't know about the relapse and can't/won't help (BIL elderly + DSIL a carer) so I'm inclined not to involve them but let H decide whether or when to make contact. They are not local to where he is is currently but about 250 miles nearer than me! AIBU?

IABU = you are an idiot, run for the hills
IANBU = he is an idiot, but you should probably get him to the recovery service if it's doable.

PS I have a very low income at the moment as 10yo DS is very part time at school awaiting urgent EHCP review/change of placement so I can only work very part time. I have savings. H has no income and has blown his pension pot, currently maxing out a new credit card...

Yes, the 'marriage' is essentially over.

I am not furious with his wife at all. She's in a horrible situation, none of it of her own making. What I did say was that I was that I would be angry at not being notified if my brother had been bluelighted to hospital. He must be reasonably close to his brother and sister to travel 250 miles to have a pre-xmas dinner with them. The OP has been notified as the next of kin so I think she should let him family know. That is all.

Don't do anything and the hospital will have to find him something. If you step in they won't.

Thank you all ❤️
I will update properly as soon as possible might be another 24hrs as inconveniently I need to sleep.
Massively appreciate every bit of advice and every opinion.

OP, you are an enabler and you and he are codependent. The drama enlivens and nourishes you. You are likely to find it very hard to walk away (where else will you get the dopamine rushes of crisis after crisis?) but you must, for your child's sake, if not for your own. The life you are modelling for your child is surely not one you would wish them to live.

Aww so feel for you OP, I've voted as yanbu because having been married to an alcoholic, I couldn't just leave them without support, I would go get him or try arrange with the hospital he is in, to get him to where he gets support. And also tell the support people whats happened. But you do need to wipe slate clean and then concentrate on you and your son. Your husband has let you both down! Why he fell off wagon only he knows and obviously an alcoholic will make up any excuse.
All the best OP 🍀

You would be enabling him if you drive there, he has to learn, he needs to hit rock bottom

I think you and your son need to start your new life as soon as possible without feeling guilty. See a solicitor and get the ball rolling.

Get out now.

This is his issue that he needs to sort out. Having ASD and diabetes doesn’t make him a vulnerable man. He needs to take responsibility and you need to focus on your son.

Hope you are okay @RainbowLife ?

What a mess. Definitely don't go up there and do tell his family what has happened. Like others have said, get your finances in order and start planning a safe life just you and your son.

Nope. Stay put.
Dc comes first.
He is an adult you cannot save him.
He can get help there or not or recover enough to take a train or bus

Its 4 weeks to Christmas and your alcoholic husband has made himself the centre of attention. If you can't get out of this mess for your own sake, do it for your child.

Sounds dreadful! But it's a shame you got married, will he be entitled to half of your assets? (no idea, maybe legal people can advise).

You need to distance yourselves and your finances. It's a very sad situation but you can't let his addiction ruin things for you and your DS.....

I agree you must not do anything to help him, which would only prolong his game-playing. But I just wanted to say how much I feel for you.

I have had enough sleep to be here, awake. The situation is still very complex.

I want to give some reactions to all the fantastically helpful comments I have kept up reading everyone's thoughts and they have helped me steer a straighter path through the last 48 hours than I would have done alone.

• Alanon : yes x 100 I first grasped the hand of this fellowship over a quarter of a century ago. Alanon describes alcoholism as a family disease and says it is possible for us to 'find peace and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not'. I would urge anyone reading this thread to try Alanon if they feel they might have been affected by someone else's drinking.
• "Why on earth would you marry an alcoholic?" vs "remember your vows" vs "run for the hills". When I met H he had a stable life and several years of sobriety. Our relationship led us to have a much wanted child together but settle into friendly, semi separate lives partly due to H's autism and need to live in a way that supported his recovery. After over 15 years sobriety, in 2020, like so many people, H relapsed into drinking and chaos returned to his life. I moved DS away, encouraged and supported by my then GP and social services. We went to stay with adult DD and we are still there. It's been a rough few years but H seemed to be getting the upper hand after several detoxes and relapses and by 2022 was sober and back at work. In 2023, in the wake of family bereavements and serious health issues (unrelated to alcohol) we rekindled our romantic relationship and decided to marry. It was a lovely family event (after too many funerals) and DS has had a wonderful 9 months living with his Dad for the first time. Is it better to have loved and lost? I knew H was an alcoholic and could drink again. I had known him achieve long sobriety and I didn't have a crystal ball, but thought he was, once again, in stability. In the midst of the current unfolding situation I don't have the perspective to judge my decisions of a year ago but I do have compassion for the person I was then, loving and hopeful, who has suffered an emotional body blow. I am not going to blame her for getting me and DS into this pickle. The person I am today is doing her best to do the right thing. You are all helping including the hard questions, judgemental comments and disagreements and vows vs rights vs tough love.
• DS is my first priority. DS is my first priority DS is my first priority. What specific action is in DS's best interests is not always easy for me to figure out without help, for example whether he is best served by being part time in mainstream school with 1-1 support or would thrive more in full time in a special school. Right now I have you, Alanon, my GP, DS's school and a network of other professionals and friends all helping discern how best to help and support DS through this traumatic family event. Not the first he has experienced. I am doing my best to be the best mother I can be to DS and that will have to be good enough because I am the only one he has and the only responsible parent he has. Thankfully he has other very good family support too and he is not alone.
• Divorce or abandon H? Right now we have separated and I am informing anyone who needs to know and making efforts to ensure we are financially decoupled asap. There is no way of making this mess financially cost free for me so, like the aftermath of a house fire or flood, I'm trying to make the best of the situation and spend money and effort now (eg on legal advice) that will save money in the long run. My patience and compassion for H is wearing thin as his drinking self continues to act in very unattractive ways. I need to detach fir my own sanity. I have tried to induce H to cooperate eg with judicial separation for the sake of DS, but he is far from in touch with reality and still wants to do things his own way despite now being up to approx 2 litres of gin 24 hrs Sunday-Monday which leads to
• re hospital visit after ambulance called on Saturday. Waiting times are long in A and E these days. It's not medically safe for H to withdraw cold turkey. Nevertheless when I read H's message sent at 3.30 am but read by me at 7am on Sunday morning to say he had left the hospital because he was withdrawing but was still waiting to be seen I was incandescent with fury. On this thread there was a reasonable expectation that H would be under hospital care and I would be able to make clear I was taking no further responsibility instead we were back to the same shitty situation as before but with extra shit, pardon my French.
• what I actually did and plan to do over the next couple of days: I reached out to friends, family, and professionals. I collected a carer and drove her 300 miles, collected H, and drove 100 miles to a hotel with an accessible room. H is very frail, mobility appalling, in a generally awful state. I stayed in a twin room with the carer. Her main role the whole time was supporting and caring for me. Up early on Monday morning and drove H 200 miles straight to a face to face meeting with his caseworker.

I left DS in the care of DD and her partner and children. His Sunday was more or less the same shape as it would have been. School gave extra support on Monday. I was home by bedtime on Monday.

There is more to do but I am getting through it. A bit at a time I am handing H over into the hands of professionals and his own support network which he has started to reach out to. Events may overtake him or he may be admitted for detox in the next few days. I have paid for very short term temporary accommodation and handed responsibility for where he goes next to his caseworker. Where he is staying is nice but far from ideal for him. It was the cheapest option that is at a safe distance from our family home and close enough to access appointments with his caseworker. I am doing the right thing by a vulnerable adult who I was carer for and, as a former professional carer for others and family carer for this person, I am handing over that caring responsibility in a professional and caring way to the best of my ability. On a personal level I currently have no sympathy for H and I am not willing to engage with any unpleasantness. I am stepping back into a professional relationship and thank God my shift is nearly over.

• re H's siblings: he contacted them on Saturday night when he was in the hospital but I didn't know until Sunday morning. I asked them if they could collect him from where he was staying and meet me halfway or even a quarter of the way. I wanted to be able to do a 300 mile round trip in one day and get him to accommodation near the recovery project by Sunday night. I could have been home before breakfast on Monday as DS would barely have missed me.

They did not feel able to agree.

H proudly told me on the journey that he had let them know I had come and picked him up and he was now in my safe hands. They were delighted to hear that apparently. Of course H hasn't told them the whole story. A mutual friend I have been leaning on for supoort during this whole mess told me he contacted her on Saturday and is putting out a 'sanitised version' of events. I'm probably giving my own sanitised version. I'm trying to be truthful.

Either way I'm sure H's siblings aren't aware of the level of betrayal of me and DS. They don't need to know really. They are elderly/have their own difficult health and family situations to contend with. I don't need to challenge them in any way and won't be looking for any further support there.

I'm grateful H relieved me of the dilemma of when and whether to tell them about his relapse.

@RainbowLife One day, when this is all over, I hope you can look back with a measure of pride as to how you have handled this situation. You have put in place calm and considered measures that I am sure come with considerable personal distress.

I hope your future holds a smoother path. I would love to give you a hug right now.

What a fantastic phrase. I’ll remember that.

This

Thank you updating I've been thinking of you and ds.
You sound very measured and it's obvious you haven't taken this decision lightly.

A close friend of mine passed away from alcoholism very recently, and it was an ugly and upsetting journey from his addiction to death.

OP you are doing the right thing in stepping back, but be prepared for this to end badly for him.Make sure to say the things you want to say to him, as you may not get another chance.

This. Wishing you all the strength and support for your DS, you, and yes, also your H, so that he may find his inner strength to get back to sobriety

Further update:

Events overtook H yesterday.
The combined efforts of myself, Hs GP, caseworker and a professional carer I found locally led to hospital admission (10 miles away) last night and the beginning of medically managed withdrawal from alcohol.
Today a plan will be discussed by the hospital alcohol team, hospital social worker and Drs. I have made it clear H can't return to live with myself and DS and I will be sticking to this like a broken record.

Thank you to everyone who has posted, sent good wishes or lurked kindly.

"Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me" Al-Anon Family Groups Conference Approved Literature

@RainbowLife still here holding your hand and ready with a handkerchief if need be.