H in A&E 300 miles away

[RainbowLife]

There is an AIBU here, hopefully I'll find out what it is before the end of this post.

H went away 2 weeks ago to 'visit his DSis and DBro for a pre Xmas meal' but in fact to have a quiet drink and other secretive behaviour. He's an alcoholic, a catastrophic relapse inevitably followed, I couldn't allow him to come home (10yo with SEN- safeguarding).

H was taken to A&E by ambulance last night. 300 miles away.

We only rekindled our relationship very recently and married less than a year ago. He was sober when we married, appeared to be happy and doing well. I didn't see this coming (although I knew when we married there was no guarantee he would never drink again).

H may or may not be admitted. If not, as he can't return to where has been staying there is no obvious place for him to go or way to get there. H is a vulnerable adult even if sober. In his 60s multiple health problems, ASD, diabetes.

If he's kept in hospital there's longer to figure out what to do. If hospital says they will discharge should I

• drive 7hrs there to collect H and take him to eg travelodge near the recovery service he's in contact with (their idea pre ambulance event, he's asked for help accessing detox and has a caseworker, if he was local but not in the family home they can supoort him more effectively). This would mean leaving DS with family locally for a coupke of days.

Or - book him a taxi to the nearest Travelodge and try and collect him or arrange transport on Monday. Or

• something else.

His Dsis and DBro don't know about the relapse and can't/won't help (BIL elderly + DSIL a carer) so I'm inclined not to involve them but let H decide whether or when to make contact. They are not local to where he is is currently but about 250 miles nearer than me! AIBU?

IABU = you are an idiot, run for the hills
IANBU = he is an idiot, but you should probably get him to the recovery service if it's doable.

PS I have a very low income at the moment as 10yo DS is very part time at school awaiting urgent EHCP review/change of placement so I can only work very part time. I have savings. H has no income and has blown his pension pot, currently maxing out a new credit card...

Yes, the 'marriage' is essentially over.

Quite surprised by the responses so far. This isn’t some new boyfriend who OP has no ties to (in that case I would say absolutely run!) this is her husband and father of her child, who up until recently has been sober and (presumably) a good partner. If this was a repeated event then yes perhaps walk away. But if this is a one off relapse in a man who has worked extremely hard to get himself sober then I would like to think if it was my husband I would support him.

I’m sorry, I read this as a stand alone message.
im sorry that OP is in such a difficult situation.

Life insurance is a non starter for an addict unfortunately. It is always in the t&c. OP is better to safeguard her money and assets and get legal advice re divorce asap.

Please don’t listen to this alcoholics are extremely selfish and very good at manipulating.
You need to put your child and you first. Contact al non to help you, there is a supportive group on Facebook too that may help.

Just like I said in your other thread, step away. Tell the hospital you can't have him come back due to safeguarding. They will have to find him a placement. Yes, it's sad and frustrating that hospitals/LAs have to do this. I know, I used to be a part of a discharge team. Still. It's often the safest option.

Do agree here that the sibling should know their brother is in hospital. That would be the norm. They will find out in due course no doubt but if you don't tell them this time they may think you'll handle all future hospital visits which doesn't look like it will be the case

The OP has at least one other thread about this man and he's not been a good partner. He has another woman that he is seeing and, as she has disclosed on this thread, he is in his 60s and has already spent his pension. If she stays with him, her and her son will be dragged down with him. Even if she has promised to be with him in sickness and in health, no child deserves to have their life ruined because one of their parents is unable to stay on the straight and narrow.

I've been married to an alcoholic so speak from experience. You've got to think of yourself and your son only here. Actually in some ways it's good he's 300 miles away. Leave him to it and start divorce proceedings pronto. Don't listen to other advice about sticking with him and helping, anyone who has been in your shoes will definitely advise you to run for the hills. Harsh but absolutely crucial for you and your child's ultimate well-being. Also I see he's in his sixties, this isn't going to end well. In your shoes I would absolutely completely cut contact. You've done the right thing by not having him home.

edited as posted on wrong thread, sorry OP and wish you luck though

You said it yourself @RainbowLife the marriage is over.

He sabotaged it, not you. He was sober when he made that decision.

I would be clear from the outset you will not be supporting him as have your hands full with your son. I would tell his relatives the situation. Even if they can’t do much, they deserve to know. Then start the process of getting a divorce. Sorry this has happened to you.

Addiction is not like diabetes, you can literally kill an alcoholic with kindness and they will harm you in the process. OP needs to step back and let her husband sort this out for himself.

Walk away

Ok well I didn’t know about the affair obviously that changes things and yes it would be marriage ending for me.

and I completely agree that a children’s deserve to have an unstable parent. I suppose I look at things differently as the daughter of an alcoholic (25 years sober) who had a few blips in the early years of his recovery. My father hasn’t touched a drop in 25 years but he will always be an alcoholic, he’s also an incredible father and I’m so thankful everyday that he was able to get himself sober and that he is still here.

I know people always say they need to do it for themselves but I’m not so sure about that sometimes I think it is the love for others that drive people to change. However that doesn’t make it OPs responsibility, it isn’t and she is within her rights to walk away, I just think if it was the first relapse I would like to think I would help. 2nd and 3rd? Not so much.

This, appalled by the "but he's your husband😩" guilt trips.
Vows have meant fuck all to him haven't they!

Is he the father of your DC? Not that that would really change my mind on what I'm about to suggest (sorry, this will be a long post)!

I think:
Leave him to it. Don't go up there, don't pay for a hotel or taxi (if he trashes the hotel, you'll be liable for the bill for any damages). I would inform the hospital that he will NOT be living at your address due to your DC with SEN. There will be a social worker that works with the hospital for this sort of thing. Tell his family who live up there. Give them the whole story so they know what's happening (I'd be surprised if they didn't already). Hopefully he can stay up there. I do hope that he will get some help (and stick with it)...but you have to put yourself and your DC first in this.

What are your home logistics? Does he own the house (that could make a difference for his discharge destination going forward)? Is he on a tenancy with you? I'd get ducks in a row and file for divorce. IF he's the father of you DC, get a CAO in place and a prohibited steps order where he can have supervised contact. My CAO said that the DC were to live with me, and have no overnight stays with XH. The PSO said that he was to have supervised contact. Thank God, it was just my name on the tenancy (and on all the household bills etc). If you do decide to split, inform council (for council tax), UC/tax credits etc so that you can take him off any of these things. Inform the school so that they are aware.

Just as an aside....To the poster/s who said about sticking with him/marriage vows (in sickness and in health etc)...have you been married to an addict? I was. He wasn't an addict when I married him (and he had no history of that sort of thing when we first met and married). I tried everything: spent money on private detox/rehab (a five figure sum), had SS involved, paid for counselling, begged/pleaded with him, tried to protect my DC from his behaviours. He lied and gaslit me for years. The house would be trashed, he'd go AWOL or be abusive towards me (when drunk/high). I was juggling FT work (I was the breadwinner), parenting the DC and trying to shield them from what he was doing, and I was walking on a tight rope for years. My DC are NT and it was hard enough, I cannot imagine how much harder it would be with a DC with SEN. I spent YEARS standing by him and trying to do everything to help him (on the basis of trying to stay true to my marriage vows). I ran myself in to the ground. Absolutely nothing worked (because HE would not engage in the help and didn't want the help). It took me seeing a post on here from a lady who was splitting with her XH due to his alcoholism, and me speaking to my priest about my situation (marriage is one of the sacraments in my faith/religion) to realise that I could and should get out of this. Even my priest said that I had tried everything and that I should separate/divorce! Please don't put guilt on OP because of her situation. I am sure that she's more than aware of her marriage vows. I certainly was, and I took them very seriously. I should have LTB years before I did.

How about his promises in return ? Do they not matter ? This is awful advice. Addiction is a treatable, chronic disease and from what OP has said he has no interest in staying sober if he continually relapses. He’s blown his pension and is maxing out a credit card on alcohol. OP should be stepping back and leaving him to the professionals.

If some of your first few lines you mentioned safeguarding please continue to safeguard your son. I know it’s a hard situation and whilst your H is a vulnerable adult and has issues he has a support/case worker and can make up his own mind if and when he wants support. My mum was very much the same with alcohol and refused all interventions despite our best efforts.

use the money that you’d use for petrol to do something nice together with your son.

Leave him to it. You cannot save him from himself but he can drag you down with him. Protect your son and get out.

Get urgent legal advice with a view to divorcing him and protecting your assets before he has too much of a claim on your savings etc.

Not a one off relapse if he’s blown his pension pot and maxed out a credit card. OP says it’s a catastrophic relapse. He’s diabetic and the alcohol will be having a serious effect on that - presumably one of the reasons he’s ended up in A&E. Since he clearly doesn’t care enough about his condition she will likely end up as his carer, as well as having a son with special needs - not to mention taking responsibility for his alcohol related debt. If he’s blown his pension income and yet thinks nothing of running up credit card debt to feed his addiction I’d run and not look back.

OP is the other secretive behaviour that he went to see the OW? As seemingly he was away for 2 weeks?

If so, walk away and let's see if she helps him at all now. Doubting it though.

Do not let him bully you with his sob stories. He made his choices.

If he's vulnerable the hospital have a duty of care to make sure he is discharged safely. Would he be safe on his own? Is there a detox centre nearer to where he is? You said he has a caseworker so get in touch so they can support him. You don't have to and need to take care of yourself and your child.

If and when the hospital contact you about his discharge tell them you no longer have contact with him and are able to assist them.Tell them to no longer contact you.You really do have a choice.I know how awful this is but stay strong.They will appoint a social worker.I wish you the very best.

Wise words, unfortunately from bitter experience. I have experience with a member of my husband’s family. Drinking in secret for years - a fully functioning alcoholic - and it only came to light when alcohol related health problems caused an emergency hospital admission. No amount of intervention stopped the drinking and when they inevitably succeeded in drinking themselves to death a very short time later, we discovered they were deeply in debt, having taken out substantial equity on their home and when they’d burned through that, the inevitable loans and credit card debt. It’s a very selfish condition - an addict won’t think twice about the harm they cause as long as they have what they need. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Bad enough with a close relative - l can’t imagine the devastation when it’s a partner.

OP also chose to marry an alcoholic .
She clearly chose to marry for health not sickness . And for the good not the bad .

@RainbowLife Why did you get married??

Awful isn't it? The "he's your husband" people have likely never been in a close relationship with an alcoholic or seen the way addiction destroys everyone's lives like a family grenade.
I still get shit for not magically "fixing" my alcoholic DF and he died 10 years ago.