H in A&E 300 miles away

[RainbowLife]

There is an AIBU here, hopefully I'll find out what it is before the end of this post.

H went away 2 weeks ago to 'visit his DSis and DBro for a pre Xmas meal' but in fact to have a quiet drink and other secretive behaviour. He's an alcoholic, a catastrophic relapse inevitably followed, I couldn't allow him to come home (10yo with SEN- safeguarding).

H was taken to A&E by ambulance last night. 300 miles away.

We only rekindled our relationship very recently and married less than a year ago. He was sober when we married, appeared to be happy and doing well. I didn't see this coming (although I knew when we married there was no guarantee he would never drink again).

H may or may not be admitted. If not, as he can't return to where has been staying there is no obvious place for him to go or way to get there. H is a vulnerable adult even if sober. In his 60s multiple health problems, ASD, diabetes.

If he's kept in hospital there's longer to figure out what to do. If hospital says they will discharge should I

• drive 7hrs there to collect H and take him to eg travelodge near the recovery service he's in contact with (their idea pre ambulance event, he's asked for help accessing detox and has a caseworker, if he was local but not in the family home they can supoort him more effectively). This would mean leaving DS with family locally for a coupke of days.

Or - book him a taxi to the nearest Travelodge and try and collect him or arrange transport on Monday. Or

• something else.

His Dsis and DBro don't know about the relapse and can't/won't help (BIL elderly + DSIL a carer) so I'm inclined not to involve them but let H decide whether or when to make contact. They are not local to where he is is currently but about 250 miles nearer than me! AIBU?

IABU = you are an idiot, run for the hills
IANBU = he is an idiot, but you should probably get him to the recovery service if it's doable.

PS I have a very low income at the moment as 10yo DS is very part time at school awaiting urgent EHCP review/change of placement so I can only work very part time. I have savings. H has no income and has blown his pension pot, currently maxing out a new credit card...

Yes, the 'marriage' is essentially over.

I'm new to the thread but OP, you come across with so much grace, strength and kindness. What an incredible combination.

This is an extremely complex situation, both practically and emotionally. I do wonder if a more experienced counsellor would be more helpful and (baldly) better value for your money and time.

EHCP review is vital but there is only so much you can do to prepare. You are 100% the expert on DS. Use MN to help. There are loads of SEN threads and knowledgeable SEN parents on here to advise. Specialist vs MS education for children with SEN is a common theme.

Having a child out of school is relentless, especially as a single parent. You go through the anxiety with them, your own nervous system is overstimulated like theirs is. Would you consider asking your daughter to take DS for a night again just to give you a mental break?

Hi OP I know you're accessing Al Anon family support but wanted to say that Adfam also offer support nationwide and can offer zoom or phone support.

Your local substance misuse service might also have a family team who could provide support to you and your son even though your husband is accessing treatment elsewhere, not every service has one but it's worth checking out

Somewhat out of left field—sorry for the americanism—there is sn absurdly funny show on Netflix called “Murder Mindfully” or Mindful Murder. Its a german show about a gang lawyer who takes mindfulness lessons and applies his new zen self to his problem with the gangs. I think it is one of the best applications of how we practice mindful living I’ve seen. His focus goes from eternally arguing in his head with everyone to truly being able to be present in his own life and with his family. Its also very, very, funny.