Putting our baby into nursery at 12 - 13 months. Attachment style outcomes??

[LeeJames1]

Our baby is due to go into nursery 2 non consecutive days per week missing a day in between). He already shows signs of dislike and can cry a so much that they call us to come collect.
It’s a lovely Montessori one.
i guess I’d love to see some research on long term attachment styles of those who were put in nurseries early in life. Obviously there’s a lot of factors such as emotional availability of the parent and how much time was spent together away from nursery.
We’re very gentle kind loving praising parents and would never speak harshly to our baby. We understand why love matters from book to being. I understand attachment theory deeply as I’m also a child therapist. But this is my child and all that goes out the window when it comes to my own.

Any ideas?

I'm not a professional like you but I'd say if a child can't cope with a gentle Montessori type setting 2 days a week at the age of 1, it's probably because they've been overly attached to the parent in the first year and not used to other adults. You might have to stick this one out else face the same issue when starting preschool. Else, maybe try a childminder a day a week; moving on to a nursery setting in a few months?

I started my DD at nursery aged 11.5 months for three days a week.

For the first month, drop offs were horrific and I’d be driving to work in tears and googling work from home jobs, considering being a SAHM, all sorts.

She is fine now and has been fine for the best part of four months, it just took a bit of time, I haven’t read the book you reference but honestly there are a lot of opinionated books out there that are actually no more than someone’s opinion but which like to pile guilt on.

I believe we do have to take a long term view and not just the immediate interests into account. For most of us, working provides long term security for the child so that is part of that.

I don’t really get the question. If you understand attachment theory, and know your child’s behaviour and responses, surely you should be able to see what’s happening? And different children can respond differently to similar circumstances, so research on what happens to 1 year olds who go to nursery is only going to be useful to a degree. And will probably tell you there are lots of other factors in play: home life, early experiences, individual personality, etc.

Fact is if he needs to be in nursery 2 days a week so you can work, perhaps it’s best not to stress about all the possible effects on his attachment, and just focus on helping him to settle there?

Children do need to learn to be comfortable away from their parents eventually. Lots of people have to use childcare more and earlier than this.

He'll be fine. I'm guessing your parenting is quite intense - not a criticism - so of course this change is going to take a bit of getting used to (for you all!). Give it time

I've not studied any attachment theory but my DD1 was in nursery from 10months as I had no choice to go back to work and she settled much MUCH better when we moved to consecutive days. I feel like when there was a gap between sessions, she never really got into the swing of nursery? It was all too disjointed for her.

Is a one year old a child or a baby?

Why would we assume a baby crying for it's mother is overly attached, and not simply in need of said mother?

Why prep a baby for starting preschool in a few years time? I mean, at that rate she what - starts toilet training and reading /writing in the few months?

Babies, as we know, only communicate through laughter, smiles, and crying. Simple and effective. They know their needs for the most part, and ask for them.

The question is, are you willing to listen op?

It sounds like your child just isn’t ready. My daughter went from just me to a part time child care centre maybe around 18 months and really enjoyed it, but I hung around a lot of the mornings so she didn’t feel like I was in a hurry.
I kind of think we push our kids too much to accept care from strangers. It’s ok that your kid isn’t comfortable even if other kids are. We keep talking about diversity and stuff but then get worried when our kids have different needs than others. A lot of parenting just comes down to gut reaction to be honest. I had a high spirited explosive child and I just had to play by ear for 5 years because none of the techniques worked.

When mine were that age, I personally found nurseries to be overwhelming and opted to put them with a childminder.
There are some amazing childminders, mine were a husband and wife team with a small group of children (7 max), so it felt like a home from home.
Just find somebody super caring and kind.
I would prioritise a small caring setting over an educational style like “Montessori”.

They just need to feel safe, loved and stimulated and honestly, a few bright/plastic toys or occasional educational TV will not harm them .

The research out there which was of impeccable quality, to check attachment outcomes and cortisol levels in babies in nursery settings was explosive, and was squashed pretty quickly by consecutive governments to encourage mothers especially to go back to work, it’s good for GDP. If you have to work then your options are limited, it is also possible for your child to develop meaningful relationships with other adults. John Bowlby has written some interesting observations.

The key seems to be low staff turnover, if you have super caring and kind motherly staff that are highly reliable and permanent then this will greatly assist your baby to learn how to trust and build relationships outside of his primary relationship.
The issue is that these roles are often poorly paid, with unmotivated, temporary staff and a revolving door. Finding somewhere with excellent long term carers is the key.

My DS went full time age 12 months and until that point had barely left me as I don’t have any family nearby. He cried for 3wks solid. Then finally i had a note to say he was the happiest baby at the nursery. He always loved school, after school clubs, holiday clubs, sports clubs and is now loving uni, he’s the student president of his society and in so many clubs. I’ve always had a gentle parenting style, and he has always been such an easy child to parent, never caused me a day’s trouble.

DD, started age 9 months, went 4 days then 3, always hated nursery, school, clubs! Academically excellent though, like her brother. Also a well behaved child, but emotionally, holds a lot in. She is incredibly shy and has small groups of friends. Really the opposite of DS. I don’t think nursery is to blame for any of that, but more personality style.

My understanding (not an expert) is that babies can become attached to a small number of caregivers but once there are more than about 4 the baby struggles and the care feels disjointed to them.

Equally, if you are trying to introduce a new caregiver around the time of peak separation anxiety then it will be harder for the baby.

For this reason it's generally advised to have the baby with the new caregiver for a decent amount of time to get them established with the baby. Two days with a gap in between may not be enough time.

I would also consider whether your child has one or more key workers at the nursery.

Montessori is more applicable to toddlers and preschoolers than babies.

I don't see how 2 days of nursery can have any detrimental effect and don't see the connection with attachment.

My understanding of attachment theory is that if children don't develop secure attachment to at least one caring adult during infancy and early childhood then that will have long term adverse effects.

The classic example is the poor children growing up in Romanian orphanages without any emotional warmth.

Some children take longer to settle than others but a baby from a secure, loving home will not be harmed by spending some time at a good nursery with caring, responsive staff.

If you understand attachment theory you should know that infants can be cared for by different people as temporary arrangements (whether for hours, days or even weeks at a time) without impacting on their primary attachment relationship/s. An attachment relationship is built over time and through full time care (as in 24/7) <edited to add this is different with the birth mother where attachment relationships are built in utero> and undertaking deliberate attachment based activities together. There's a reason that children who are adopted spend all their time with their adopters for a significant period of time before even meeting other family members, let alone going into childcare!

Going to nursery will not impact your attachment relationship or your child's attachment style. That's not to say your child might not be unhappy with nursery, or might be impacted in terms of security or confidence for a while. They will probably get used to it as most children do. But framing it in terms of attachment style is just misguided and incorrect, and surprising given you're a child development professional.

Anecdotally, my teenage son went to nursery at 13 months and for a while he sobbed at drop off. Then he got used to it and enjoyed it, mostly. He developed a secure attachment style and we have a great relationship. Nursery doesn't have negative long term outcomes on children, according to research.

A disordered attachment style has an enormous impact on outcomes, I am not surprised given your current role that you are concerned about this. It will shape almost every aspect of their lives in time.

As someone with an attachment disorder who is raising a child with attachment disorder, I promise you two days of daycare do not cause them. Lol

Not to mention the first year of life is the most formative for attachment and presumably ops child has had all their needs met.

Absolutely this!

get a grip woman, your child will be fine like everyone else’s!

And it will NOT be caused by daycare.

My 5 year old went to nursery 4 days a week from 13 months. There were tears at drop off for the first week and only for the first 5 minutes. She developed relationships with her caregivers at nursery quickly since she was there 4 days a week. She has always been brilliant at forming relationships and is better than average at feeling comfortable with children she does not know and forming new relationships (eg. When she started reception, lots of the kids were sobbing at drop off but she went in just with a bit of apprehension and had a great day making new friends).

She has a very strong attachment to me, a lot stronger than with her dad and I don't really know why this is. Nothing to do with attachment theory most likely, more to do with personality.

My second started nursery 4 days a week too at 13 months. She never cried at drop off as we stayed for the first few days until she felt secure in the setting (couldn't do that with my first as it was vivid time), and she loves it there. Goes in extremely happy. She's less social than her big sister so I thought she'd struggle. She's very attached to me and cries when we meet strangers (19 months now) or go into someone's house where she hasn't been before.

Nursery hasn't impacted the attachment with my children in any way.

I think 2 days with a gap isn't enough for your child to get used to nursery and develop relationships with caregivers. Can you send him 2 days in a row?

When I read attachment theory I’m talking about the pioneers Bowlby, Ainsworth, Winnicott. They studied babies and their mothers for years. Bowlby was the one who did it first, the God that he was. And if his theories were as commonly known as ought to be we’d have a much more settled society.

Donald Winnicott realised transitional phenomena (comfort blanket etc) and a whole lot more.

Mary Ainsworth was brilliant too.

i won’t waste time on modern books unless they support the pioneers because it’s spot on.

a quick YouTube of:

the attachment theory how childhood affects life

will give you a great start

Sadly can’t send him in on two consecutive days 😭 work commitments

Who are you talking to? I think most people replying to you on this thread understand attachment theory already. This post about attachment theory doesn't explain why you think two days of childcare will impact your attachment relationship?

Intense? We play dance sing swim go to playtime with other mums and babies. Feed him well co sleep. Is this what you mean? Or were you thinking of another word? Or maybe it’s intense like you say. Please say more

You're a child therapist who refuses to acknowledge current research and understanding unless they support the (flawed) teachings of Bowlby?

Okay then ......

@LeeJames1 you say you know a fair bit about attachment theory so you'll know that 2 days a week in nursery is not going to harm your child's secure attachment.

Your child is around 12 months old. This is a stage when separation anxiety peaks so it's not surprising there are tears and upset. That seems very normal amount children who start being left at that age.

Interestingly, back in the day when I had my babies and Mat Leave was much shorter, we were all leaving our babies in childcare at 3 or 4 months - and although it was physically more demanding (breast feeding/ night feeds) it was emotionally less stressful imo. My babies had no problem settling in childcare: there just wasn't any crying or upset and I look at my young colleagues now who often have a really hard time settling their children if they've taken a whole year of mat leave.

Anyway, that's off at a bit of a tangent because you are where you are, and many children do start being left in childcare at around a year nowadays. I think the tears are very normal. He will settle, but because of his age it will take a little longer. It won't have a negative impact on his attachment. It sounds like a lovely nursery where he'll thrive. I also think from what I've observed with friends/ colleagues, that the fewer days spent in nursery (particularly if non consecutive) then the longer to settle into the routine, which seems quite logical really. It's why nurseries like children for a minimum number of sessions; it's harder if they're not there much with long gaps in between. But honestly, you'll look back on this time before long and hardly remember the tears because he'll be settled and used to it,

So if your toddler dashes into the road you won't raise your voice? I have a feeling I know what type of child your baby might turn into.