Putting our baby into nursery at 12 - 13 months. Attachment style outcomes??

[LeeJames1]

Our baby is due to go into nursery 2 non consecutive days per week missing a day in between). He already shows signs of dislike and can cry a so much that they call us to come collect.
It’s a lovely Montessori one.
i guess I’d love to see some research on long term attachment styles of those who were put in nurseries early in life. Obviously there’s a lot of factors such as emotional availability of the parent and how much time was spent together away from nursery.
We’re very gentle kind loving praising parents and would never speak harshly to our baby. We understand why love matters from book to being. I understand attachment theory deeply as I’m also a child therapist. But this is my child and all that goes out the window when it comes to my own.

Any ideas?

Mine is also in 2 days a week with a day at home in-between. She was the same age too when she started nursery. It took her a few weeks to settle in but loves it now. Nursery shouldn't be calling you up just because your child is crying. They're in the wrong job if they can't cope with a toddler. Has your son never spent a few hours away from you eg with your parents when you're not there? That's key. Ignore the attachment style stuff. Him being away at Nursery for a few hours a week isn't going to suddenly create an insecure attachment and ruin him. It's very easy to see a child with a secure attachment. An overly attached child who isn't used to being away from their mum by 1 year old isn't healthy either.

I also think op that you shouldn’t be trying to avoid baby being upset as they go through emotions and develop understanding - they will definitely be upset at some point through babyhood and childhood and the point of successful parenting is to help them through and to learn to manage those feelings. Even if they are upset at first, they will learn that nursery is a positive place and that you will be back later on. What in trying to say is that it’s not a reason to not do it. I think this is why so many young people lack resilience. Overall it will be beneficial for them and their development and it gives you time freedom etc.

I would stop saying 'I'm a child therapist so...' for a start! I'm a primary school teacher and yet there are other people who meet who are much better at dealing with parenting children than I am! I'm great at my job but I'm a person and a parent and no expert on being a parent. I mean this in a kind way but I think you need to put 'I'm a child therapist' out of your head to an extent because you're coming across as superior and I'm sure you don't mean to. You will have a lot to learn as an inexperienced parent just as I do when it comes to the next stage of my own children's development.

I've come to realise that spending too long worrying and obsessing over my children (which I do a lot of!) isn't for the best and the parents who just get on and do it often have the right idea. I've been in awe of some parents I know who manage difficult situations by being level headed and getting on with it (I've got a lot to learn!)

Two days, and non-consecutive ones will be hard to settle into from what I’ve seen.

The children who seem to be most adapted have 3 consecutive days to establish the rhythm and routine.

That's quite a generalisation! The children I've taught year in year out that tend to struggle the most settling at school are usually the ones who've been exclusively at home, used to 1:1 attention and being with their parents.

What use is this comment to parents who have to work?

Mine went to nursery 2 days a week from this age. Babies really pick up and mirror your reaction so do your very best to give each cheery goodbye and then go as quick as possible. Our nursery had 2 way glass so you could then watch from outside and both of mine had a cry when I left the room (at first) but were instantly distracted by a shiny new toy and became very happy to go to nursery and then school.

The mother who baffle me are the ones who hang around prolonging the transition for their child and making it into a much bigger deal. I've watched tearful mothers almost make their child who was fine at first make there child inconsolable with repeated good byes and soppy "it's going to be ok Barney, Mummy will be back soon" until they got tears.

Please don't be that Mum. It sounds like you have a great awareness of your child's needs. If you are worried about leaving a crying baby you could always pop back after an hour to check they are OK the first few times....but don't get spotted....they often cry as soon as they see you because they suddenly remember that they missed you.

Nursery really helped my kids develop social skills and prepare them for school. They both skipped into their first day of reception without batting an eyelid whereas some kids were crying and clinging to the railings. Like you we always spent lots of time one to one with our kids playing and interacting with them and they seem quite well adjusted as teen /tween agers.

I can't comment on whether children who attended nursery at a young age have attachment issues. What I can say is that my kids never did nursery, they didn't do any childcare at all (not even with grandparents) until mornings at preschool at 3.5 years, at which point they trotted in happily, and never cried once.

They went on to be happily independent older kids (perfectly happy to walk home from school/be left along for an hour from Year 6, made their way confidently to school on the bus from Year 7 etc )

This isn't to say that nursery is damaging. It's just to give you permission not to send your child if you don't really want (and need) to!

@OP are you trying to educate us all, recommending books and YouTube videos, or are you genuinely asking a question and seeking support?

this feels like a stealthy way of showing us all your résumé on child rearing.

I mean given a choice a small child is going to want to stay at home with their parent. Both my children went to daycare part-time and they preferred to stay at home but we had no choice as both parents had to work. They got on fine and are now both settled and happy in school. My mum was a SAHM when I was a kid. I didn't go to nursery/preschool either so P1 (foundation) was my first step away from my mum. I found it so difficult. I was painfully shy and a real worrier (still am). Even with 3 older siblings (one just a year older) I found it really difficult to socialise. I had no friends. Took til P2 before I made a friend and felt more confident. My P1 teacher was horrible though (this was the 80s) so probably contributed to it. So being at home until school perhaps had a detrimental effect on me but maybe that was just my personality. 🤷It's not a one size fits all approach. I do think daycare is great for their independence. My two learned a lot, they were also introduced to different themes, topics plus they always ate everything which was great as they were fussier at home. I would say two consecutive days is better. By the next day they tend to be more in the swing of it.

I put my son into nursery on 3 half days @ 11.5 months moving to 5 half days @ 13 months to prepare him for having a little sister. He took about 2 months to settle properly without crying but he now happily races in @ 16 months and doesn’t look back at me even (hasn’t done so for months ie he clearly feels relatively comfortable there - there are about 10-12 children in his room and 4 consistent care givers who are all lovely). He definitely gets different things from the experience than being at home as I see what he learns from being in a group environment and he does things he wouldn’t do at home - at the same time he’s very quiet at nursery and super loud and chatty at home, so you can see it’s psychologically not as “safe” a space for him which makes sense. Don’t think it has changed his attachment style to me (I’m a classic avoidant attachment as lost my mother very young/distant father / but he seems to have a reasonably secure attachment to me with all the classic signs of it even though I have always been balanced in my approach with him ie I’m affectionate but I do hold boundaries for his behaviour, he has other care givers, he sleeps in his own room/never co slept, I sleep trained, I only breast fed for 3 months). My over arching point is - him being upset when I left for a long period seemed to be a classic sign of a healthy secure attachment, just as when we are at playgroups him circling out from me and back to me is. Now he is settled at nursery that doesn’t change as he still shows a clear preference for me now whilst being comfortable with a number of different trusted caregivers and nursery. However, I recognise there are also downsides to loads of nursery young, it’s not a perfect environment for small children and finding your own balance if you can is great.

I think it can also be harmful to children to have parents who overthink things, and view all their parenting through a pop-psychological lens.

That’s been my experience too. MN don’t tend to be massively pro nursery but I do think there are some benefits to starting them if only so that spending time with others in a group setting isn’t all at once at age 3.

Yes, it does not read sincerely. Also, science and research continually evolve, you know.

Back twenty years ago when i was a nursery nurse we found this too. Children that did one day or days quite far apart did take longer to settle. Also settling babies or children of any age that had only really been with a parent or maybe a grandparent was so so difficult.

Babies often came to nursery much earlier back then 3 months up and settled easier than babies above 7/8 months that are in that attachment development stage. Very aware of who is around them and attachment bonds established.

Im not advocating for children to start nursery at 3 months btw there is no need for it anymore with mat leaves extended. But because they were less aware and as long as they were fed and given appropriate attention and comfort they did settle well.

I chose a childminder as preferred that setting.

i guess I’d love to see some research on long term attachment styles of those who were put in nurseries early in life. Obviously there’s a lot of factors such as emotional availability of the parent

Sorry but can't you see the irony of your post? You are coming across as quite a cold, calculating, Brave New World type parent-robot.

I am very affectionate with my children because they're delightful bundles of joy. Not because [robot voice] their development benefits from my emotional availability

I agree with this. Consecutive days are so much better

Yeah me too

@1AngelicFruitCake interestingly, I have a clear memory of being left for the first time by my mum: I was 4 years old and doing a couple of terms at a nursery school before going to infant school. I remember clinging to my mum and crying my eyes out!

I'm in my late 50s now and my mum was fairly typical of that time in that she didn't work, there were far fewer day nurseries and regulated childcare anyway, so it was more normal for children to be home with mum for a longer period. I actually think it would have done me good to begin being left with other people at a younger age. I was quite a reserved, shy child and it took me a long long time to feel comfortable.

Nowadays it's much more normal for children to experience childcare alongside parenting. I do think there can be a tendency for mothers to think that if they themself are feeling emotional or perhaps don't really want to return to work, that it means the child isn't happy - it's like they transfer their own emotions onto the child. The key thing is raising happy, well adjusted children. I'm really glad my own children went to an excellent nursery from a young age - not because it was 'better' than being with me, but because it was an addition to time at home with me; it added to their experiences. I'm sure they would now be happy adults if I'd been a SAHM and not gone to nursery from a young age too - because it's not an either/ or. Children can thrive in many situations.

Oh and I smiled at 'loved by the staff' because any parent or grandparent who says that is usually good at overegging the pudding! Staff like all children, you don't have staff loving certain children more than others and if this has been said it's unprofessional.

Reminds me of a parent I had to speak to whose child was really struggling. We had a lengthy chat and she went on Facebook that night and put how her child is exceeding!! I know because I overheard another parent ask her about it!

A child therapist who dismisses all attachment research that's more modern than Bowlby, Ainsworth and Winnicott...I'm guessing you work in private practice because you wouldn't get away with that in the NHS!

All research is flawed to some degree, and none of the above people were gods. Bowlby's research has long been used as a stick to beat mothers with, and Mary Ainsworth's methods would now be considered highly unethical and you simply wouldn't get it signed off.

I get it, I was an ed psych and then family therapist in CAMHS. The job makes you overthink. But we can't ensure that every second of children's lives is smooth and never an upsetting moment either. After going into systemic work, I saw that many dysfunctional families, going to nursery 2 days a week at 13 months really isn't going to give your child an attachment disorder or turn them into a serial killer. If they're really not settling after a few weeks, then maybe a childminder or smaller, more child led place might be better for them. But in terms of the impact on attachment, seriously, chill.

I walk into school with the mothers though our dc are in different years.
Perhaps it is because the dc are doing so well and have sn, but the teachers (and especially the teaching assistants from previous years) often come up to praise the dc and ask how they are doing.

My cousin is a hairdresser for three of them, and when they found out she was related they also separately praised the dc, particularly how they would often try to help the staff and other dc.

I've met them though (and compared them to my own little hellions 🤣) and they really are unusually kind and well behaved young children.

But you can condescendingly pat me on the head and say "if you think so dear" if you really want to.

@CrazyGoatLady it's bizarre isn't it? Almost like the OP sees it as a point of pride to be a child therapist who refuses to keep professionally up to date because she's already made her mind up

People need to update their knowledge of attachment theory. Sorry, but a lot of this has been disbunked.