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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Putting our baby into nursery at 12 - 13 months. Attachment style outcomes??

181 replies

LeeJames1 · 24/11/2024 03:10

Our baby is due to go into nursery 2 non consecutive days per week missing a day in between). He already shows signs of dislike and can cry a so much that they call us to come collect.
It’s a lovely Montessori one.
i guess I’d love to see some research on long term attachment styles of those who were put in nurseries early in life. Obviously there’s a lot of factors such as emotional availability of the parent and how much time was spent together away from nursery.
We’re very gentle kind loving praising parents and would never speak harshly to our baby. We understand why love matters from book to being. I understand attachment theory deeply as I’m also a child therapist. But this is my child and all that goes out the window when it comes to my own.

Any ideas?

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Sasannach · 26/11/2024 11:00

I agree with @SerenityNowSerenityNow. Few psychological models or theories are perfect or universally applicable

A concept like attachment is extremely hard to study anyway. There are so, so many variables. Maybe there are some longitudinal studies out there that consider attachment patterns? I'm not sure.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 26/11/2024 15:19

AllYearsAround · 25/11/2024 21:41

@LeeJames1 what's driving you to choose a nursery setting?

I don't personally believe two days of childcare is going to damage a secure attachment.

But, nursery is the least good environment for a baby in terms of attachment. It's hard for a baby to find the replacement attachment figure there to bond with while separated from parents - they need to accept many different adults, some unfamiliar, providing feeding and care etc The 'key person' is going to be having lunch breaks, meetings, covering other rooms so there will be lots of separations during the day.

Again, most babies with secure attachments and robust personalities will cope fine with this, but I am surprised that someone who holds attachment as such a priority wouldn't choose a nanny or childminder?

Indeed. It's difficult to see why a childminder wouldn't be a preferred option in this case.

Not quite attachment related, but I was part of an early years project which produced significant qualitative data about the impact of grandparent care. The gist of it was that children coming from grandparent's care to school settings were socialised to be less physically competent and mature (i.e. less outdoor play, less exploratory play, less messy play etc due to either opinions or physical limits of carers). This affected their current level of development, and could be a predictive factor in future development.

Now, this anecdata wasn't taken further as far as I know (no appetite for it!) - but it is an example of how little understood and how contextual child development studies are. There's no way you can anticipate all of the possible influences on a baby and predict the unpredictable. You can only look at the baby in front of you and decide what works best for you and them.

For our son, we were happy with nursery, because whenever we have taken him out and about, he's always wanted to hare off by himself. Our nursery has a huge outdoor space dedicated and free access for under twos. He only seems to want an "attachment" as such every so often, and is also task-oriented - so he follows around whichever nursery staff member is doing chores and copies/"helps".

Incidentally part of the reason we don't want my MIL to do weekly childcare for our son is because she doesn't let him play normally. She's always trying to get him to sit down, and sit still, and stop him doing perfectly safe activities.

lolly792 · 26/11/2024 17:12

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis that's a very insightful, sensible post. At the end of the day, we as parents know our own babies best, and as long as we are raising them into well adjusted, secure adults, then there is a whole spectrum of ways in which that can happen.

If there was conclusive data that showed one way is best (or that one way is harmful) then we'd know it by now!

LeeJames1 · 21/12/2024 03:38

whereilived · 24/11/2024 03:21

I started my DD at nursery aged 11.5 months for three days a week.

For the first month, drop offs were horrific and I’d be driving to work in tears and googling work from home jobs, considering being a SAHM, all sorts.

She is fine now and has been fine for the best part of four months, it just took a bit of time, I haven’t read the book you reference but honestly there are a lot of opinionated books out there that are actually no more than someone’s opinion but which like to pile guilt on.

I believe we do have to take a long term view and not just the immediate interests into account. For most of us, working provides long term security for the child so that is part of that.

That is a lovely reply and I have to say it's all good here now too :D

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LeeJames1 · 21/12/2024 03:40

Summerbreeze456 · 24/11/2024 07:11

How much "settling in" did your child do? DS went to nursery (lovely, small setting...tiny baby room) in the UK when he was 8 months. He did two days of settling in sessions but fell in love with his key worker straight away, so dropping off was no problem.
DD will start nursery in Germany when she's about 11 months (which is early here and only possible because her nursery is on the same site as my workplace). I'll still be on maternity leave then. The settling in period is expected to take about 3 weeks. Friends of mine had their settling in take several months. She'll be going in full time, though. Well, I'll pick her up as soon as I'm able to but 8-3.30 looks likely, depending on my timetable.
Perhaps your child just takes a little bit more time.

Wonderful work that! He's actually doing so well now and it did take a few weeks but he got there and thrives now :D

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LeeJames1 · 21/12/2024 03:41

lolly792 · 24/11/2024 06:21

@LeeJames1 you say you know a fair bit about attachment theory so you'll know that 2 days a week in nursery is not going to harm your child's secure attachment.

Your child is around 12 months old. This is a stage when separation anxiety peaks so it's not surprising there are tears and upset. That seems very normal amount children who start being left at that age.

Interestingly, back in the day when I had my babies and Mat Leave was much shorter, we were all leaving our babies in childcare at 3 or 4 months - and although it was physically more demanding (breast feeding/ night feeds) it was emotionally less stressful imo. My babies had no problem settling in childcare: there just wasn't any crying or upset and I look at my young colleagues now who often have a really hard time settling their children if they've taken a whole year of mat leave.

Anyway, that's off at a bit of a tangent because you are where you are, and many children do start being left in childcare at around a year nowadays. I think the tears are very normal. He will settle, but because of his age it will take a little longer. It won't have a negative impact on his attachment. It sounds like a lovely nursery where he'll thrive. I also think from what I've observed with friends/ colleagues, that the fewer days spent in nursery (particularly if non consecutive) then the longer to settle into the routine, which seems quite logical really. It's why nurseries like children for a minimum number of sessions; it's harder if they're not there much with long gaps in between. But honestly, you'll look back on this time before long and hardly remember the tears because he'll be settled and used to it,

Thank you for this and i have to say he's doing so well now :)

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