Putting our baby into nursery at 12 - 13 months. Attachment style outcomes??

[LeeJames1]

Our baby is due to go into nursery 2 non consecutive days per week missing a day in between). He already shows signs of dislike and can cry a so much that they call us to come collect.
It’s a lovely Montessori one.
i guess I’d love to see some research on long term attachment styles of those who were put in nurseries early in life. Obviously there’s a lot of factors such as emotional availability of the parent and how much time was spent together away from nursery.
We’re very gentle kind loving praising parents and would never speak harshly to our baby. We understand why love matters from book to being. I understand attachment theory deeply as I’m also a child therapist. But this is my child and all that goes out the window when it comes to my own.

Any ideas?

Same here. Mine have just done nursery /preschool when the free hours kick in and they’ve been fine. There’s no ‘need’ to do nursery from being a tiny baby unless the childcare is needed for work. You could always try a childminder and switch at preschool age?

@lolly792 it's a bit worrying really in terms of professional practice, one of the things we had to do was keep up to date with research! I work in clinical learning and development now so that's a big part of what me and my team need to do to make sure our training is relevant to contemporary practice and settings as well as accurate. A therapist who pooh poohs research and only practises from the base of their own belief system is going to have a lot of blind spots. I've supervised plenty like that, and had to be quite challenging about their lack of open mindedness about other perspectives.

Not to derail the thread, but for those saying you 'prioritise attachment' or words to those effect - what do you mean?

Genuinely not trying to be goady, as I think I have adopted this parenting style without even realising and keen to understand more!

All babies take time to settle. I have two little ones and it took about 4 weeks for the crying at hand over to stop. He won't have any long term effects - all the colleagues I work with have grown up / teenage children and sent them to nursery when they were babies - often full time. They are all well-adjusted and confident young people with good relationships with their parents. He'll be fine! (This anti-nursery stuff coming out from social media etc is just another way to beat women down imho)

That's not what attachment means though, in the context that the OP is using it. Children don't develop attachment relationships with Nannies etc. They develop bonds, and a bond with one nanny is probably more fulfilling and security giving than bonds with several nursery workers but it's not an attachment relationship, so talking about secure attachment is wrong and irrelevant.

I don't need to but I have paid for two mornings as my toddler needs help with speech and I need a break!

Anecdotally, as a Montessori trained childminder, I find children prefer split up days over the week - so Monday and Thursday rather than Monday Tuesday, as the five days away from my setting unsettles them again. There's no right or wrong, just listen to your child and the professionals that you've chosen to care for him.

Ok 🤷‍♀️

OP I completely understand your concerns as I am a Doctor training in CAMHS. I remember thinking about nursery for my DS1 and I wanted research to back up the decision I was making to make me feel better as my gut feeling was telling me they weren't ready for nursery.

Maybe your baby isn't ready for nursery, many aren't at that age and some are. The reality is, you most likely need to work for finances or because it's beneficial for your own wellbeing. These things all contribute to a very happy home and that matters too. You are doing everything else right, so unless you have a strong family history of PD, I wouldn't worry. As long as you are responding to your baby most of the time and sharing lots of love when you are there then your baby will have a healthy attachment.

I think having a childminder is better at that age. It's better for them to be engrossed in day to day activities rather than a set up nursery. It's also less stimulating. Is there a way you could have a slow settling in period?

I don't understand your question. Your baby is taking a while to settle at nursery, yes? So what ... are you thinking of changing settings?

Personally having seen some three year olds screaming going into preschool having been at home with their mum or dad I do think it best if the child has some experience of being away from mum or dad. It must be a massive shock otherwise.

It's a shock to the system regardless of when it is. Age 1,2 or 3. I don't think you should sha,e a 3 year old for not wanting to be separated from their primary caregiver. :/

No child of loving parents in a happy household will have an attachment disorder regardless of childcare arrangements.

Two separate days is too hard, that's pretty basic surely? They cope best with nursery when they go more and can properly settle. I'd consider upping his days temporarily if you can so he can find his feet and then wind it back to the days you need.

Well it wasn’t for mine and plenty others I’ve seen. By 3.5 both of mine were developmentally ready to play with other children and could speak fluently and explain if they needed the toilet etc. My PERSONAL opinion is that a single loving care giver is ideal for those under 3. If you need a break then fine but that doesn’t change my opinion.

My two went to a childminder at about 10 months, they settled really well and appear to be fine now at 4 and 2. Our childminder is really lovely though and like a family member to them. Eldest has settled in school earlier this year really well too.

My first child went to nursery from 9 months she was absolutely fine, my second didn't go to nursery until around 16 months and it took him months to settle, I feel like the younger they start the easier it is on them

My little boy went part time (three days a week) from 6 months, and full time(ish) from 9months. Small nursery, full time forest school but babies are obviously indoors more before they transition to outdoor life at 3.
He struggled a little at the start, probably with the noise and not being centre of the world. But by the time he went full time he was absolutely fine. We went through a phase of tears at drop off probably around 11months, and then a switch went and he was fine
Now he reaches out for the person on handover, and when put down will toddle off to his playroom without a backward glance.

At home he plays really well independently but also loves to be carried by me and is super sociable with most adults. He's occasionally shy of tall men (his dad is only 5'6") but otherwise we've not had any upset. We are both quite introverted and awkward with people we don't know and are so pleased at how sociable he seems, and we put a lot of it down to nursery.

The aggression and hostility on here towards the op is shocking. Yet again, grown women unable to just either scroll on by without making a dig at a mum who's grappling with a decision about her lo.
Op, follow your gut on this one. If you feel lo isn't ready then they probably aren't, so what (if anything) can you do differently than what you had planned? For every research you find there will be one to counter it so stop swimming in data and follow your instincts, they rarely serve us wrong. Wishing you and your lo well and just wish more mums gave as much consideration to what is actually in their lo's developmental best interests.

So maybe this is not the right setting for this child. I had one child who waltzed into daycare (I am American) and grumbled at pick up. For childcare consistency is key so two days with a gap is probably very confusing. We had a nanny (since we were both working FT- we breastfed, co slept and did not sleep train but I am not into theories and as a mother of much older kids now I am fairly strict and boundaried) but the older one did 8:30-12 at a daycare 4 days a week. And it took a while- maybe 6-8 weeks for him to get into the flow of the routine- so we get up and he gets dropped off at this place, and then his beloved nanny collects him and Mom is back at 4. Once the pattern was established he was fine. He’s still the kid who is more of a homebody.
My other one is 8 and much more independent in that sense.

If she was grappling with a decision I'd have much more sympathy than using pseudo science bullshit to judge working mothers.

Attachment issues are created through neglect and trauma, not a few days a week at a lovely nursery.

Mine were both home until age 3, then went to preschool for half days. Neither of them ever cried at dropoff and immediately settled in. They were a bit unsure, yes. But never upset. They hadn't been looked after by other adults before (no family nearby). And one of them was a covid toddler, so spent A LOT of time just with us at home. Obviously that's just my two children, not a proper sample. And I'm only mentioning this because some seem to have this theory that the kids are crying at dropoff because they are 'too attached' and not used to other adults. I honestly think it's just personality. It's probably not that deep.

@LeeJames1
What's your question?
You are clearly more qualified /educated on this stuff than the vast majority of people on MN.

From a practical point of view, I would try to get consecutive days and try to change your work pattern to facilitate this. I would have thought that would be better for your DC to get used to the nursery environment. The in / out set up you have now will make it harder for them to get used to it.

I had about a month or 2 of transition but mine were in more than yours

Montessori does not always mean the child's emotional needs will be effectively met though....montessori is just about the learning approach.

And there is no such thing as being 'overly attached'......these are the characteristics of a secure attachment and are all things that the OP's child is demonstrating.

Proximity maintenance: The desire to be near the people we are attached to.

Safe haven
: Returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat.

Secure base
: The attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment.

Separation distress
: Anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.

Alot of people don't understand that an insecure attachment is more likely when children spend too much time away from their parents not too much time with them!

OP you may find this video useful by Sarah Ockwell smith;
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6i1Uv3ZT-0k
I think doing the Berlin adjustment model she mentions to the letter would be rather difficult to implement and not many settings would be on board with that, however with my dd2 who went into childcare with a childminder at 10mths, we did do a gradual process of me leaving her for lengthening amounts of time over a period of time, which worked well.

I would say though (as both a parent and someone who has worked in childcare and also has professional experience and extensive knowledge about child development and attachment) that if your child is not settling down quickly after you leave and is so unsettled they are calling you to collect him, it is likely not the right setting for him.
Boys are often harder to settle than girls, but no child should be crying for any period of time and being left inconsolable.
I have left my DD's slightly upset with a caregiver they are familiar with and have built up a relationship with, but wouldn't leave them upset with someone they barely know (which sadly alot of settings expect you to do) or expect to be asked to leave them if they were full on screaming, especially as a baby.
In a situation where they were upset at drop off I would at least wait outside the door to ensure they settled and i could no longer hear them crying before I left.

In your situation, I would either have a conversation with the setting about going back to square one, with you staying for afew sessions and gradually pulling back, and trialling leaving him abit at a time (bear in mind this could take weeks or longer though as he has already had a bad experience) or of they won't agree or it doesn't work then take him out, and if you need the childcare for work purposes, perhaps find a good childminder where he will receive a more nurturing approach in a less overwhelming environment.Just ensure before agreeing to send him that they are on board with a gradual settling in process and won't be trying to force things along too fast, as I think that will key to avoid a repetition of your current experience.

Best of luck, it must be really hard for you and you really sound like you're trying your best for him.

Absolutely nobody has been aggressive or hostile. Critical and disagreeing, yes.

I haven't seen aggression or hostility towards the OP, just bewilderment that someone who claims to be a child therapist appears to have little real understanding of attachment, and actively avoids any research later than Bowlby.

Most of us who actually have experience of using nursery have reassured her that some tears at separation are to be expected if this is the first time the child has been left, at about a year old when separation anxiety is at a peak. It doesn't mean she needs to abandon her career, switch him to a different nursery etc. His reaction is a normal one for a child who hasn't been left until now, and (unless he is really unusual) he will quickly settle and feel secure and enjoy nursery. We've also advised that if possible, consecutive days are probably better, though this may not be possible if the OP is only working 2 non consecutive days and can't afford more sessions.