Putting our baby into nursery at 12 - 13 months. Attachment style outcomes??

[LeeJames1]

Our baby is due to go into nursery 2 non consecutive days per week missing a day in between). He already shows signs of dislike and can cry a so much that they call us to come collect.
It’s a lovely Montessori one.
i guess I’d love to see some research on long term attachment styles of those who were put in nurseries early in life. Obviously there’s a lot of factors such as emotional availability of the parent and how much time was spent together away from nursery.
We’re very gentle kind loving praising parents and would never speak harshly to our baby. We understand why love matters from book to being. I understand attachment theory deeply as I’m also a child therapist. But this is my child and all that goes out the window when it comes to my own.

Any ideas?

Unless you are with your child 100% of the time they will be scarred for life, despite the fact nearly all parents of young children work.

You need to both work full time to pay the bills, but also be at home full time with 100% attention on your child too.

Easy.

Other things that make "the past" irrelevant...family sizes were bigger (no reliable birth control). Older sisters were expected to be second mums. Total lack of household conveniences, meaning that many women were slaves to housework, or had actual slaves/servants. High infant mortality that was sadly accepted (eg in 19thC Britain, christenings happened within 3 days to try and get it done before the baby might die).

So much of the past is so irrelevant to modern parenting. It's madness to cherry pick bits of "the past" as a stick to beat modern mums with.

For example, I will never ever expect my dd1 to be a second mum to my ds2.

My mum was the oldest of 6 and basically raised her siblings. They also had no fridge growing up, let alone a washing machine. She was constantly beaten by her dad.

And yep, this was the era of the psychologists op evokes.

Don't give me "the past".

I don't think there has ever been an era before the last 50y, ever, in any part of the world, in any culture, any class, where a 3yo child could get so much 1-1 attention from their mum as they do now. Never, anywhere. There has always been either too much household work for the mum to do, too many siblings, or (in the case of wealthy families) governesses/tutors etc. In many cultures, the mum had to put the older generation first, too (eg serve the PILs before her children etc).

I'm not saying it's a bad thing that we entertain our kids so much. I love giving my kids 1-1 attention. I think they benefit, and I benefit.

But let's not pretend this was ever the norm. Let's not pretend there was some lovely The Past when kids had this as standard.

My daughter started at a Montessori at 13 months old, 3 days per week, and never gave me a back glance after goodbye. That bothered me as well, but I knew she'd be well looked after, ad the same staff had cared for my nephew 5 years prior.

Do you know anyone who has used the nursery? Does the baby have any time away from you now?

At 1 it's not possible to be 'overly attached' to your primary care giver. What absolute nonsense.

OP you know that the best place for your child to be is with you, or if not possible with someone they have a strong bond with. A really good childminder might be a better option - but you need to bear in mind it's going to be more difficult for them to build that bond if they're only with that person two intermittent days a week.

As for 'the past', children would have spent their time with their mum as women looked after the kids and men worked. Now women work because they want to or have to. You are working so you can't look after him so does it really matter what research shows or what the possible outcomes are? It just sounds like torturing yourself.

Reading this thread I honestly think so much of this overthinking and fretting accounts for why so many young people now lack resilience and confidence. Just be the best mother you can be without worrying about all the tiny details and labelling everything. It’s really not necessary and will only hinder the child! Children need to learn to overcome small difficulties as children so they do not find small or large difficulties in adulthood insurmountable.

Just do as many over laps and short sessions as you can so that he can form some attachment relationship with the staff while you're there too before he's there alone

We all bring our platform and starting position. Bowlby got it spot on regardless. There’s only one kind of secure attachment and 3 types of insecure. It’s a brilliant model.

i work sporadically but my partner and he are inseparable. We have no child care from family for various reasons

Tell me who tops Bowlby lol

i guess I’d love to see some research on long term attachment styles of those who were put in nurseries early in life.

Why not look some up? As a child therapist surely you know how to search for such studies? Why are you asking Mumsnet?

Because I’m lazy and exhausted

Interesting comment. What’s small to you might not be so to a baby!

Self torture! That’s something I will reflect upon 💚

OP, if you want to reply directly to posts, you need to use "Quote" not "Add reply".

If it makes you feel any better OP, I wasn’t put into nursery until I was 4. I have an avoidant attachment style, would rather walk barefoot across a frozen Siberian tundra than have to speak to my mother, and given the option would spend 100% of my time cuddling my cat.

My eldest is 22. I spent every second of that boys life with him, co slept, wouldn’t hear of nursery, he was with me solidly until he went to reception at 5.

My friend had a baby at the same time.she went back to work full time when he was 6 months, he was in nursery 9 hours a day from then on.

Oh, how awful I thought she was! (I was a massive dickheead who acted like I invented parenting, honestly, I was such a prick).

22 years on, do you honestly think you can tell who was superglued to their mother for 5 years and which one was at nursery from 6 months? Like fuck you can.

if anything, my son is the ungrateful twat out of the two.

No model is perfect.

There are a number of flaws in Bowlby's research and analysis. As part of your training you should have been taught to be critical of all research in order to fully understand its uses and limitations.

😂

wishing you well 🙏

Is that aimed at me? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not everyone thinks Bowlby was spot on or brilliant, no. The idea that there are no more than four attachment styles is pretty much relegated to pop psychology quizzes on Bored Panda these days. But if all you've had is the cursory introduction to theory that a college counselling course provides, then I guess the narrow lens can't be helped.

Attachment theory has been subject to a critical reappraisal in recent years in light of improved understanding of brain plasticity. Have a look at the latest research.

@LeeJames1 what's driving you to choose a nursery setting?

I don't personally believe two days of childcare is going to damage a secure attachment.

But, nursery is the least good environment for a baby in terms of attachment. It's hard for a baby to find the replacement attachment figure there to bond with while separated from parents - they need to accept many different adults, some unfamiliar, providing feeding and care etc The 'key person' is going to be having lunch breaks, meetings, covering other rooms so there will be lots of separations during the day.

Again, most babies with secure attachments and robust personalities will cope fine with this, but I am surprised that someone who holds attachment as such a priority wouldn't choose a nanny or childminder?

I agree with the above, I suggested using a childminder earlier. I used one in a lovely home nearby and my daughter has very Secure attachment ! She is 9 now, and a very happy, confident and secure child.

She went 5 days per week from 14 months (for what it’s worth). Full time 9am-6pm. She loved her childminder and was super happy there, no tears. (Except first couple of weeks settling in but we did a long slow settling in period).