Putting our baby into nursery at 12 - 13 months. Attachment style outcomes??

[LeeJames1]

Our baby is due to go into nursery 2 non consecutive days per week missing a day in between). He already shows signs of dislike and can cry a so much that they call us to come collect.
It’s a lovely Montessori one.
i guess I’d love to see some research on long term attachment styles of those who were put in nurseries early in life. Obviously there’s a lot of factors such as emotional availability of the parent and how much time was spent together away from nursery.
We’re very gentle kind loving praising parents and would never speak harshly to our baby. We understand why love matters from book to being. I understand attachment theory deeply as I’m also a child therapist. But this is my child and all that goes out the window when it comes to my own.

Any ideas?

Both of mine started preschool at 12 months. My DS (now 3) started with two (non consecutive) days whereas my DD (18 months) did 5 days straight away. My DD adapted so much better doing more days straight away and really got a bond with her key worker and loves going. Both kids love it and it’s only 9-3 term time so I feel like I still get plenty of time with them.

No idea on attachment theory but I feel like I am a far better parent for having a break from them and my bond with both doesn’t seem to be affected. They are both confident, happy kids and preschool has definitely contributed towards that.

Please don’t worry about the crying. It’s all very normal and they do usually stop the minute you are out of sight. I don’t think it’s helpful for the nursery to continuously call you to collect though. Maybe it’s not the right setting?

Nursery workers aren't strangers. Why did you hang around? It just makes it harder for your child and the childcare workers.

Both my children have been in childcare full-time since they were 8 months old and I haven't seen any adverse outcomes. They are both extremely attached to me. I am still breastfeeding DD at nearly 2 and co-sleeping for at least part of the time most nights. It's normal for a child to take a bit of time adjusting to a childcare setting, especially when they've been with their mum full time up until now, and your child is at peak separation anxiety age. Don't worry, nursery don't do him any harm and will almost certainly have a positive effect. He'll have experiences you can't really give him at home.

They don’t have a clue why they are being left there. Two consecutive days probably be better.

Both my children cried at drop off when they first started. We had to do a very quick handover and walk away. It was only later could you have a small chat at the gate

Montessori aren’t gentle child led. They’re very structured. I don’t get the obession with them as they seem to againist main stream child development theory.

Childcare will not affect attachment. End of. Childcare isn't perfect but absolutely necessary for many parents and children adapt well, some take longer. The problem is the non consecutive days.

@LeeJames1 Remember nowadays people have to work, just to afford a mortgage and have to put babies in nurseries - the days of SAHMs are long gone..{Unless they have a wealthy partner}so of course many will deny nurseries being less than ideal for such young kids.

How much "settling in" did your child do? DS went to nursery (lovely, small setting...tiny baby room) in the UK when he was 8 months. He did two days of settling in sessions but fell in love with his key worker straight away, so dropping off was no problem.
DD will start nursery in Germany when she's about 11 months (which is early here and only possible because her nursery is on the same site as my workplace). I'll still be on maternity leave then. The settling in period is expected to take about 3 weeks. Friends of mine had their settling in take several months. She'll be going in full time, though. Well, I'll pick her up as soon as I'm able to but 8-3.30 looks likely, depending on my timetable.
Perhaps your child just takes a little bit more time.

Op you’ve got to put your child into nursery to work, to provide for them, full stop.

Why are you tying yourself up in knots over this? Unless this is some kind of stealth boast about your gentle parenting style (just wait till the toddler years) and your extensive knowledge of child attachment theory?

You won’t read more recent research if it doesn’t support older research? “God”?! 😵‍💫

I’m an academic so I enjoy theory and admire good research, but your approach isn’t one any decent academic would approve of. Research and ideas develop all the time. They did with Bowlby etc wrote, and they will again. It’s possible to admire ideas without being a devout follower. New research wouldn’t ever get done if people didn’t have a healthy scepticism / questioning attitude.

You’ll give your child issues if you make one idea/book your bible and get stressed about things. And I say this as someone who teaches and writes books for a living!

There is room for some chill here I think.

My son went to a childminder from 6 months old (lone parent - no choice). He’s always had an extremely strong bond with me and been very attached but he gained other close relationships by going to the childminder and this was really positive for him. He was always excited to see her and to go in, so I never fretted and a friend (with professional knowledge of child development) told me that securely attached children aren’t necessarily the ones who cry at drop offs, being confident to leave your parent is actually a sign you’re confident they will return.

If you’ve been overly attached for a year then your child needs to learn that when you leave them all is well because you only leave them in safe places and will return.

My son hated nursery and looking back he cried so much it wasn’t good for him.
wish I’d done childminder instead

I have a toddler and I sound like quite a similar parent to you in that I prioritise attachment. I wish I hadn't had to put him into full days at nursery and instead been able to do 5 mornings instead. He is at a childminders which I think helps.

If you're concerned about attachment, I'd suggest a childminder or nanny. One care figure they can develop a secure attachment to. My kids did well in nursery/pre school settings from the age of 3. Eldest started nursery at 2 and struggled to settle although she got there in the end. I chose care with family friend/nanny before that and my partner cut his hours so he could spend 1-2 days at home with the kids.

Leaving babies with other carers isn't new and nothing in Bowlby's work suggests it is harmful. In consistent interactions with the primary attachment figure OR an abrupt loss of contact with the primary caregiver are traumatic.

But by 12-13m babies have object permanence..they can understand something still exists when it goes away. Learning they can go to a setting, be upset that you leave (because they have a secure attachment not because they don't) them have fun and be happy when they see you help them develop a robust sense of self.

Of course temperament can affect that. Individual children can take longer to settle. Developmental stage matters from a Piagetian perspective - I think 12m is often recommended as a starting point the cognitive leaps babies have regarding object permanence are around 7m (grasping the concept) and 18m (full comprehension, so if they have never been left at 18m the first time it happens they may anticipate you will never come back). Setting matters - as others said you want somewhere with stable staff each day who grasp attachment and can ensure your child has time to bond with them with low demands if they are upset. And you might find consecutive days easier than alternate days. But there is no evidence short periods of care with trusted caregivers cause disordered attachment. Whether or not parents work too it is pretty typical for small children to spend short periods with others

Overly attached?

@Nc546888 but you can’t necessarily know a childminder would have suited him any better. Nurseries aren’t identical and neither are childminders. I wouldn’t personally take a child from a setting where I felt they were well cared for and I had no complaints, especially now as you might want your child to go to a childminder but they may not have spaces!

Ignoring all the attachment chat.

I wouldn’t put my child into a nursery for 2 non consecutive days and I don’t think I’m particularly fussy.

it’s just a bad idea all round and he will take a while to settle

i would be looking for a CM or just putting him in for 3 consecutive days.

Whatever age they were, the children in the family who were put into nursery before they were ready (two around the 18 month mark) have turned into little hellions. The mothers were roundly praised for giving their dc 'life skills' but the dc have behaviour problems at home and at school now. They seem to be craving attention all the time, positive or negative.

Verses the two ( actually with special needs) who never went to nursery, their mothers were constantly slagged off with the "It's not good for them to be so dependant on them" and "They will struggle so much at school".

Both in mainstream school, loved by the staff and some of the most impeccably behaved dc I've seen. They seem very secure and confident.

My son began nursery 3 days a week at 9 months. Have no attachment problems. I think you’re overthinking it massively. Forget the attachement stuff. It’s a change and a new environment. Imagine you going into a new job - you’re nervous/excited and you manage well after a settling period. Same for kids. Baby will be fine! Just keep good communication with the staff and make sure any red lines for you (eg naps certain time or milk certain time) are very clearly communicated. Then enjoy the freedom and knowing your baby is getting key skills and enjoying company of other children!!

I wanted to give my child the best chance at a strong bond with one consistent carer outside of our home and preferred a family set up with children of mixed ages.

I am not a fan of nurseries for under 2s. Most nurseries have staff working part time, they don't guarantee that your child's key worker is always there when your child is, and staff turnover/room changes can mean the key worker changes. I know i will get hate on here for saying it but i also didn't like that most of the staff in the nurseries were very young & had never been parents themselves.

I chose a childminder with her own older DC instead and it was great. We added in a local preschool for mornings when they were 3, which provided nice social interaction with other kids at an age when they were ready for it. My DC still go to the childminder for wraparound 2 days a week so their interaction with her has phased out gradually as they've got older. They both settled easily.

@EveningSpread is spot on.

@LeeJames1, you claim to be a specialist and to know all about attachment theory but some of your posts really don't reflect that. It comes across as although you've decided on a nursery place 2 days a week, you're already shooting the idea down and looking for reasons why it won't work.

Two days a week in nursery will not harm his secure attachment. I would have thought you'd know this.

Separation anxiety is at a peak around 12 months so it's likely to take longer for a child to settle.

A good quality childcare setting is not 'less than ideal.' It can provide an excellent addition to the primary care given by parents. It's not a replacement or an alternative, it's an addition alongside the care and stimulation and experiences at home.

When you're in the middle of it, returning to work and settling them into childcare, it can be difficult to separate the reality from the emotions.

When you're able to look at it all more objectively, you'll know that what you're doing is normal and absolutely fine. My 3 children are all happy, successful well adjusted adults. Living proof that good quality care is not damaging!

Nursery settings aren't right for every child regardless of parenting styles. Perhaps try a childminder instead.

They studied babies and their mothers for years. Bowlby was the one who did it first, the God that he was. And if his theories were as commonly known as ought to be we’d have a much more settled society.
Donald Winnicott realised transitional phenomena (comfort blanket etc) and a whole lot more.
Mary Ainsworth was brilliant too.

While they all have their place, the world has turned many times since the 1950s when Bowlby was doing his research. We have a better understanding of attachment, based on his work, but also understand developmental trauma and neurodevelopment better. It’s ridiculous to suggest you don’t look at any more recent research in such a fast changing field.

Besides which if you have any knowledge of child development you’d understand that babies are wired for attachment. An attuned parent attending to their child’s needs in a consistent way will foster a secure attachment style. Two days in childcare with consistently responsive staff won’t undo that.