Putting our baby into nursery at 12 - 13 months. Attachment style outcomes??

[LeeJames1]

Our baby is due to go into nursery 2 non consecutive days per week missing a day in between). He already shows signs of dislike and can cry a so much that they call us to come collect.
It’s a lovely Montessori one.
i guess I’d love to see some research on long term attachment styles of those who were put in nurseries early in life. Obviously there’s a lot of factors such as emotional availability of the parent and how much time was spent together away from nursery.
We’re very gentle kind loving praising parents and would never speak harshly to our baby. We understand why love matters from book to being. I understand attachment theory deeply as I’m also a child therapist. But this is my child and all that goes out the window when it comes to my own.

Any ideas?

I was simply observing that some staff do recognise the struggles SEN children face and tend to notice them more.

You commented that the children in your family who went to nursery all craved attention, the children who didn't attend a childcare setting, settled well. You sound judgemental of the 'mothers who got a pat on the back for giving them life skills' but it seems easier to you to deflect onto me.

Sorry, missed your reply. I completely agree. I can remember being left with a babysitter for the first time at about 10 and I was panicked and devastated as I was always with my parents.

It was great that my parents kept me close, never left me etc until they started to do so as I got older and I was so unused to it that I really struggled.

I think a balance, like most things in life, benefits most children.

That is not my experience I am afraid. A poor nursery will lead to a child feeling unsafe. Some babies will find it highly stressful, others will adapt more easily. A child led approach is best. There is rarely any care better in the world than that of a parent however.

Couldn’t agree with you both more. The OP sounds more like an over enthusiastic student who has found their favourite theorist than a practising professional.

I've had children in various forms of childcare over the years.

Two non consecutive days in a nursery is going to make things far more difficult than they need to be, your child will be very confused

Please tell us in what research context you are assessing attachment styles over the life course of a statistically significant number of children who went to nursery compared to those who didn't? Unless you're just using your opinion based on anecdotes to make a completely invalid point?

I'll leave it now as it is tedious for others to read two people bickering back and forth on a thread, plus I'm not even sure what your rambling replies are trying to say at this point.

Did you miss that I was one of those mothers being 'patted on the back?'. Was I dismissing myself, or just sharing my own personal experience? Shocking that a teacher thinks a single anecdote is equal to a population wide dismissal.

Nevermind, I forgot the number one rule of the Internet.

@Artistbythewater in your opinion. Which is only relevant for your own children.

FWIW I think my (now adult) children would have grown up equally as happy and well adjusted if I'd given up work and been a SAHM. It's not necessarily about one way being 'better.' As it was, they've grown up into happy well adjusted adults who spend some time in their early years at nursery.

I'm not likely to be taking the "education" of anyone who mixes attachment theory (a valid psychological theory but with some fair criticisms) and attachment parenting (something a pair of fundamentalist Christians made up to push their "traditional" agenda and sell a lot of books) together. They aren't related to each other and there is no evidence that attachment parenting creates securely attached children.

I chose a child minder because I wanted strong attachment with one person in a home environment where popping to the post office, the bank, the shop, etc. were part of daily life. I was trying to replicate what would've happened if my DC were at home with me.

Nursery at 3 years old has a stronger research base.

Attachment is about how parents behave when they are with them so they are happy to see you when you comeback rather than afraid. Nursery is great for social skills which are more vital than education for career

The thing is, research can be conflicting, studies can be carried out on social groups and in contexts which bear no relation to the lived experience of the individual... and as has been shown, research can be overturned by more recent research.

For example, I don't need research showing nursery enhances life chances for deprived children in poor areas of New York to convince me that nursery is 'better'. Nor do I need some developmental psychologist from the 1960s telling me it's best for mum to around 24/7 for the first 3 years of each of my children's lives.

We all know our own children best. There may be some children who because of their personality type, or neurological makeup won't settle in childcare without major trauma. Most children, with good quality care, will. The timing of when they start being left may influence how long it will take for them to settle, but the vast majority will.

@BefuddledCrumble
thanks and enjoy 😀

So despite your beliefs and knowledge basis, you’re still putting your needs above that of your child.
Two consecutive days will be far less unsettling than split days. All the theories in the world are pointless when real life gets in the way - work commitments, finances, AWOL mothers, stressed carers, PND. Most parents just have to get on with things as best they can and try not to dwell on what they cannot change.
Don’t overthink it.

My son went to a childminder from nine months old. He never cried or seemed to miss me or his dad. He would go to various other childminders and baby sitters when his regular childminder was sick or on holiday and always coped well. He's now four and in a pre-school setting and has had no issues adapting to that change.

By contrast my nephew has been with his parents or grandparents his whole life and has only just started childcare beyond his family unit at 16 months. He is not a happy bunny when dropped off at nursery :(

Obviously this is anecdotal and all children are different but I do credit my son's confidence and trust in being separated from us with his early start at childcare.

It will be interesting to see if my daughter is the same when it's her turn to start childcare.

I know how nerve-wracking it can be to put our babies in nursery, especially when they become inconsolable when we leave.

It is totally possible, however, for them to develop strong, trusting bonds to nursery staff in our absence. The concept of "alloparenting" might be worth looking into. We can't do it all alone.

If I were you OP I'd look outside of mumsnet for up to date studies - check PubMed? While I'm sure there will be some helpful comments here, it's a personal, emotive topic and there are so many variables that I'm not sure how helpful others' experiences (and judgements) are in this instance.

As the original studies seem important to you, I'd suggest you perhaps pay close attention to how your child reacts when you arrive - at they consolable? As that was the original marker of secure attachment - not the absence of upset in the first place.

Also, Margot Sunderland talks about how when it was time to leave her children in childcare, she insisted on being present in the space until the child had made a connection with one of the caregivers, I'm not sure how many visits that took. If the nursery has a good understanding of attachment, you could ask if they have any suggestions on how you might all handle the transition. Good luck.

This such utter tosh. I've worked in early years for a very long time.

You can't be overly attached to a baby / toddler.
It's been proven that the thing that impacts children isn't too much love/ attachment but slightly neurotic anxious parenting - always stepping in when they don't need you/ helicopter parenting but even that is further down the line.

Please don't become less attatchment led with your child because of this it's the worst thing you could do.

At your LOs age it's totally normal to be mistrusting of new secondary caregivers.

The very worst scenario of this I've seen was only resolved by a change of key worker - I was new and the child bonded to me instantly. The manager tried to encourage the child to have a different key worker for their development but it always resulted in them being picked up.

What you can do ultimately depends on what you can do realistically with work etc.

Are you able to start off with shorter nursery sessions? And build them?

Can they take in a special item from home?

They're a bit young for visual timers but I'd definitely have one of those.

Set up leaving and arrival rituals.

Would nursery allow you to have a picture of their key worker at home so you can talk about them on non nursery days?

Also consider a childminder - a smaller home setting is easier for some children. They can have more attention and from their home to another home can feel very different to a nursery.

This might help you.

Note in particular the data from the Quebec study.

criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4

We can't do it all alone.

This is the heart of it.

There is very little support for families and two salaries are needed to function.

Therefore, even if it is not good for our children and babies (and I do not think it is), what choice do we have?

And don't come on saying you need to bloody save up and get a better a job, blah di blah. It is much bigger than that.

I wonder if all these mental health issues in kids is because of childcare?

it is a conversation that we cannot seem to have though.

I'm not aware of any evidence that the mental health crisis in young people is caused by them having been to nursery/ childminder...

Thanks for that, but I was responding to a poster who claimed that she knew that poor childcare was linked to attachment issues from her own experience so I was asking her what her particular area of research was to make such a claim, I wasn't asking for research generally

ETA I skimmed that article and I don't think it refers to attachment anyway - which was the topic of this thread.

Taking a purist, attachment-theory-driven approach, it would be better to provide a single attachment figure, which nurseries can't do. You'd need to look for a nanny or childminder.

In terms of separation, it's important and healthy for children to learn to separate from their primary attachment figure in a supported way (naturally you know this, as a therapist) If your wee one hasn't yet had experience of spending time away from you, but with another loving adult, the transition to two days at nursery may come as a shock.

Is that necessary at 12 months old though? Surely in the past babies were constantly with mum.

Surely in the past babies were constantly with mum.

Which past? Which culture, which class?

Stay at home mums, alone at home with washing machines and microwaves to do some of their housework, have been a tiny tiny portion of history. In much of history, a huge proportion of women (and mothers) were servants in other people's households. Also, if we're going to talk about "the past", what about wet nurses?

People bang on about "the past" without knowing much about it. Or only considering the richest proportion of society.

It's as silly as paleo diets.