Should I give inlaws £100 for heating now?

[Meloney]

We're staying at the inlaws for a month because we're having some renovation work at home. FIL absolutely refuses to put the heating on. It's not yet winter according to him. MIL has been sitting on the sofa in her coat with a blanket and hot water bottle, shivering, these past few evenings. We asked FIL to put the heating on tonight because our bedroom is like an ice box, and he said no.

AIBU to give him some cash for the heating and ask to put it on? Do you think £100 is appropriate? We were going to give them some money (couple of hundred) for bills etc. when we leave (even though they keep insisting not to worry). I'm thinking offering some cash up front might help motivate him to put the heating on now.

For context, they're both 70, retired and financially comfortable, and live in a mortgage-free, 4 bedroom house in an affluent area of the SE. (What I'm saying is they're not hard up, so don't think it's unreasonable for them to have the heating on atm).

Sounds like my ex-MIL who worked for a couple of years before getting married and then never again, but always went on about people on benefits draining the country dry while hard-working taxpayers paid for it all. She paid no taxes.

I'm older than your Mum and grew up in poverty too - outside loo till I was 3 years old and no heating or hot water in the house.

My attitude now is we can afford heating and I want to be warm.

It's not about age - it's about your parents.

I’m always colder in other people’s homes, possibly because we tend to sit down more, whether dining, conversing or just not wanting to be in the way, whereas at home I potter, can change clothes more readily, wear thick arctic socks and one
unforgettable winter when the oil truck (or any vehicle) could not navigate the icy sunless back lane safely and I was ekeing out the logs, a woolly hat! in my house!
I would not dress so in someone else’s home.

Older people who sit through the day, having cups of tea and biscuits brought to them, rather than being encouraged to make a pot of tea themselves, for instance, tend to feel the cold and become obsessed with draughts.

I want to advocate for those of you in cold draughty houses, a Hara Maki, a ribbed one if possible, covers your vitals, amazing difference, or, a ribbed vest top, to cling.
I bought mine in Next, thin fine fabric which doesnt feel as cumbersome as a vest.

My df was an engineer, fixed timed gadgets on all radiators, making sure the one in their small bathroom was permanently off.
Power and control.

Rows and pleading. Sisterly intervention. Sulks and slamming about (df) awful petulant behaviour in a 3 bed 30’s detached well insulated, thickly carpeted, porched, heavy curtained house with a bitterly cold bathroom.

btw
The one single difference we made to our house was not opening the front north facing door and letting Mr Cold Wind in to race around the house, but to hang a very heavy door curtain, bought at a saleroom, clean and unused, £6.00, at the front door then use the side door into the utility room, a much better arrangement.

The hall became transformed, warm, cosy, and quiet, so that
when we opened the living room door the heat from the fire could
make its way to the landing withut being sucked out of the front door.

Being cold is debilitating and inhibits movement. Pp remarking that it is unhealthy are correct. I have stayed with people in homes you could see your breath, especially in rural exposed areas, solid fuel or oil dependent because they are hardy and believe everyone else need to be too. It’s not civilised in this time to be unconcerned about the comfort of guests - and wife !

OP this is for your dh to tackle, financial inducements or an arrangement should already be in place, that it isn’t yet Winter is bloody minded, irrational and callous.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but this is not the first post of yours I have read that suggests your husband doesn't treat you very well. I hope you are OK.

It is not normalized in that age group. My husband is 60 and is nothing like that. Nor are most of the men I know in that age bracket.

Same here.

Then your FiL is a crazy old abusive twat. 😳
Sorry.

@RamonaRamirez we have a four bed Victorian house so almost certainly less well insulated than yours. Our gas and electric is £280 a month. The difference is that our heating has been on for weeks and we use the gas fire liberally.

Your bills don’t sound right at all or you’re on a terrible tariff that should be changed.

Agreed my DF is older and wouldn’t dream of behaving like that.

Our 4 bed, two adults, house costs over £300 a month to keep cold in the winter months, we have the heating on for an hour morning and evening plus keep the sitting room warm at between 20 and 22.
I shower every day at the gym.
At the moment our bedroom is at 13. Degrees but we have an electric blanket which is very cheap to run.
Our adult son is living with us this winter and bills are up.
An extra £400 for heating for a winter month is probably about right. Terrifying.
Three years ago I kept the house warm for £700 a year.

He could say that and the dad may or may not accept it. But if they are used to living in a cold house (as I am) it might end up making the ILs uncomfortably warm. Why should they spend money (theirs or someone else's) and burn fuel to feel uncomfortable in their own home?

Oh I fully agree - the domineering man of the house vibe is 100% abusive and controlling. My father (62) can be like this too. But it's been normalised in their generation? It's sad

I really have to take issue with this , I’m late 50s and my husband is in his 60s and I don’t see this kind of relationship with domineering men being anymore prevalent in our generation than any other . It is certainly not normalised . 60-70 is not old anymore . When I first read this thread last night I assumed your in-laws were 80/90 as my MIL is in her 90s and very averse to spending money . If your 62 yo father is abusive and controlling that is your familys problem , don’t tar all people of that age with the same brush .

Yes DP has had words with him. It goes in one ear and out the other. He just says he's the home owner and the bill payer.

Last Christmas we were here for a week and they had family and friends visiting most days. MIL had to nag him into putting the heating on because they had guests. And then the second the guests had left he would practically run to the thermostat to turn it off, then check the smart meter. I don't think he's well to be honest.

Thanks for your thoughts

@Grmumpy my comment wasn't meant to be ageist. My dad is 80 and doesn't see the need for central heating. He has the money just doesn't believe in it. 🫤

Sounds like DP doesn't give a fuck that his partner is uncomfortably cold and his mother is freezing. Good luck with him.

If he's known for being like that why on earth did you choose to stay with them.

Been there, done that and got the T-shirt. I never want to live like that again.

The heating in our house comes on according to the temperature not the calendar.

Your poor MIL.

Take her with you when you go back home (slightly joking) ☹️.

YANBU at all.

offer to pay all utility bills for the time you live there and put the heating up.

She said that her dp has had a word with him but he doesn't listen. They are also going to offer his parents £400 to put the heating on.
How does that sound like her dp doesn't give a fuck?

This won’t make any difference , it’s not about money it is about control .

I’ve an average 3 bed semi in the North of Scotland; reasonably well insulated but nearly 40 years old. The boiler is as old as the house so not very efficient. This week is as cold as it generally gets and, according to my smart meter, I’m using just over £6 per day for all energy costs. And that is with keeping the house very toasty!

Your dad has a control issue, not a financial issue. Generous letting you stay but mean making you cold and miserable!

Im cold reading your post brrrrr