Should I give inlaws £100 for heating now?

[Meloney]

We're staying at the inlaws for a month because we're having some renovation work at home. FIL absolutely refuses to put the heating on. It's not yet winter according to him. MIL has been sitting on the sofa in her coat with a blanket and hot water bottle, shivering, these past few evenings. We asked FIL to put the heating on tonight because our bedroom is like an ice box, and he said no.

AIBU to give him some cash for the heating and ask to put it on? Do you think £100 is appropriate? We were going to give them some money (couple of hundred) for bills etc. when we leave (even though they keep insisting not to worry). I'm thinking offering some cash up front might help motivate him to put the heating on now.

For context, they're both 70, retired and financially comfortable, and live in a mortgage-free, 4 bedroom house in an affluent area of the SE. (What I'm saying is they're not hard up, so don't think it's unreasonable for them to have the heating on atm).

My outlaws do this - they’re almost competitive with the heating and who gives in and turns it on first! It’s ridiculous.

My parents don’t have central heating (no gas where they are), so have two storage heaters and two log burners.

A heated throw for your MIL for Christmas is a good idea. In the meantime, stay somewhere else!

@RamonaRamirez

How do you spend £300 a month without heating???

I have a 4 bed and my summer bill is £60 a month, it's £160-200 in winter depending on how cold it is.

Tell them that the cold is making you feel ill, you can't sleep and are chilled to the bone and feel sick. Rent an Air bnb nearby and give them the money you have cost them in electricity thus far and usage of water, etc. You need to be able to function in your everyday. When I was a student decades ago, I stayed in a house in the Midlands and it was freezing. I went to bed fully clothed with my coat on and only took my shoes off. We got served liver stew for two full days, reheated and reheated. It still sticks in my memory 50 years later. I was never so grateful to get onto the heated train back to the big smoke. Never again.

Their generation probably grew up like this though. Central heating was a huge luxury in the 60's and 70's - yes people had it but they were far more careful with pennies then than the current generations understand. We had to switch every light off then too and none were left on overnight - our street is like Blackpool illuminations these days through the night due to the burglary risk (and reduced relative cost of lighting). Your DH should help them move with the times and maybe an offer of cash would help the conversation even if they don't need it?

Some of them, maybe! My DPs would both have been well over 100 now, but I well remember how much they relished finally having a lovely warm house once we had central heating installed - in the 60s.

OTOH a DSis’s FiL, who lived in the N of Scotland, would never visit during the summer because it was ‘too hot’ - DSis and BiL lived in Yorkshire!

Of course, they're seething about losing the Winter Fuel Allowance, even though they do not need it. In fact, FIL owns a business he's still making a decent income from, that he's still lightly involved with. And yes, like a few people have suggested, they also believe any old crap they read on Facebook that they don't realise is designed to rile them up.

The only other thing I wonder is whether they're kept warm by the amount of booze they drink! Heating not important, but always a hansomely stocked drinks fridge, and a wine on the go.

@mitogoshigg DH sorts the bills as he is not working and has much more time than me, I said it cannot be right, but apparently it is. It is a fixed amount each month so in theory you build up a credit for winter but we only have about 100 in credit

i am just shocked/scared by how much energy costs here

putting on the heating feels like literally burning pound notes 😮

Exactly. It’s not about the money at all. They can afford to put the heating on but the FIL doesn’t want to and enjoys exerting that kind of control. OP will give him money but it won’t make him put the heating on.

In all likelihood, MIL won’t be allowed to use the heated thrown

She's kind of just as bad, she claims she would prefer not to put the heating on because it's wasteful. I don't think it's abuse, but they do have a very old-fashioned marriage where what FIL says, goes.

I disagree. She reminds me of the women on here who insist that their husband is very loving and caring, except for when he's beating her; and a devoted, affectionate dad, except for when he keeps ignoring and shouting at the kids over nothing.

Even in old-fashioned 'man in charge' marriages/families, the idea is supposedly that he facilitates everybody's needs and comforts; not that he just ignores anybody who isn't him.

I’m in my 70s and I and everyone I know of my age would hate it for family and friends to be cold if they were visiting, even if they don’t mind the cold themselves, to the point that they would spend money they can’t afford.
Your FIL sounds mean and controlling, and I feel sorry for your MIL.

It's not £600. It's £200.

I can't understand people like that, suffer in life to save £ that they have and could spend easily, and for what?it will be left when they are gone..makes no sense at all

This I'm afraid. I'd just turn it on myself.

Crikey. Why does he think the tax payer should pay him heating benefits? Funny how the tories called benefits "allowances" when it was to a demographic they wanted to suck up to, while they were busy getting the country into debt and trashing the economy with brexit.

How is that possible? Or do you mean you pay £300 every month as an average of less in summer, more in winter? Even that would be a lot if you're being careful.
And in the south, where it's usually some degrees milder than where I live.

Cause a bit of a scene? Good. Miserly and controlling old twat.

Sitting in a coat on the sofa with a hot water bottle is not an aspirational situation.

Oh I fully agree - the domineering man of the house vibe is 100% abusive and controlling. My father (62) can be like this too. But it's been normalised in their generation? It's sad.

They think it's an entitlement because they've 'worked hard all their lives' and there are plenty of 'benefits scroungers' getting handouts for nothing.

I see a lot of older people in their homes as part of my job and they are often reluctant to put the heating on even when financially comfortable. They invariably also love to moan about being financially squeezed whilst having incomes of £600 a week to live off and no housing costs ( have seen a few examples of this over the last couple of weeks). It baffles me why you would stay cold when you can afford not to be. Anyway in answer to your question yes I would offer money or buy yourselves a heather for your room.

So what does your oh say seeing as it's his parents ?

I really struggle to relate to people who can afford it wilfully depriving themselves of a warm home.

Sure, we should all use CH carefully for financial and environmental reasons and I still only put mine on when it’s really cold and jumpers, blankets and wool socks don’t feel like enough, but as someone who grew up in a house with no heating or insulation in the 1990s and got chest infections every year it just irritates me when people refuse to switch it on when they or someone in the house is suffering. If they end up sick that’s taking up NHS time too. Just find another way to cut back.

As others have said it sounds like a control thing and I think the media attention around energy bills in recent years has played into it. I would definitely give him money for it.

My father (62) can be like this too. But it's been normalised in their generation? It's sad.

Oy - less of the ageism please!

I'm 66 and DH is 72. We are equal. No misogyny in this household.

I would buy a small heater for your bedroom. Sneak it in if you have to.

Get some fleecey blankets, hot water bottles and thermals.
Unfortunately, much as it sounds awful, you cannot force someone to put the heating on if they insist on not doing so.
I'd still offer them some money when you leave, for them letting you stay there and toward the general bills.
Alternatively book yourself some other accommodation.