Should I give inlaws £100 for heating now?

[Meloney]

We're staying at the inlaws for a month because we're having some renovation work at home. FIL absolutely refuses to put the heating on. It's not yet winter according to him. MIL has been sitting on the sofa in her coat with a blanket and hot water bottle, shivering, these past few evenings. We asked FIL to put the heating on tonight because our bedroom is like an ice box, and he said no.

AIBU to give him some cash for the heating and ask to put it on? Do you think £100 is appropriate? We were going to give them some money (couple of hundred) for bills etc. when we leave (even though they keep insisting not to worry). I'm thinking offering some cash up front might help motivate him to put the heating on now.

For context, they're both 70, retired and financially comfortable, and live in a mortgage-free, 4 bedroom house in an affluent area of the SE. (What I'm saying is they're not hard up, so don't think it's unreasonable for them to have the heating on atm).

Does he have the heating control app on his phone? Insist on it being on yours since you are at home. I couldn't live like this, not even being able to control my own heating.

Hmmm. DH and I are 61 and I don't recognise that dynamic between us at all, or among my similarly aged close friends. Perhaps you can have different "generations" within a similar age bracket? Having said that, my parents' marriage was pretty equal.

And our heating is very much on because (a) we both hate being cold and (b) DH has no idea how to operate the thermostat 😄

I live in a big apartment (more floor area than most family houses) at the top of a 400 year old, draughty, uninsulated house in an exposed position. I’m all electric, I put heating on when I need it (sometimes in the summer, if it’s chilly) and I spend less than you. Either:
The utility company is overcharging you or
You have made a typo or
This is simply not true.

Like another current thread on here, do these people actually realise how dangerous a constantly cold home is to their health? The body needs to keep the inner core warm to protect vital organs. Hands and feet do not get the normal blood flow nor does the brain and the blood thickens slightly.
Heart attacks and strokes are very common among the eldery when it's cold.

I'm 66 and wouldn't be standing for this. I've only seen this in one couple I know who are 75.

His argument that it's not yet winter - which is technically true - is nonsensical. You need heating when you need heating.

It's like those drivers who firmly believe that headlights are only for use at night and thus never think to use them on a grim, dreich, foggy day with very low visibility, just because the clock happens to say 1pm.

It' often the much older generations where there is this controlling of the heating. many older women never really worked outside of the home and the men controlled the finances. My parents were like this, my dad doesn't feel the cold and my mum really did and it caused arguements and she felt she didn't really have too much of a say as she had no pension and relied on my dad all her life for money. My dad wasn't abusive just very careful as there was only ever one wage/ pension coming in.

There's no guarantee he'd put the heating on to an adequate temperature even if you gave him £1000. He likes the control.

Fuck him. Go to a air b&b or guest House. Tell him to shove it.

But did he ever happily spend money on things that he wanted and enjoyed, even though your Mum couldn't have cared less about them?

I've only known 90+ yr olds live like this tbh. Every single mum I knew as a child, worked. Term time, part time, sometimes full time but they worked. That generation are in their mid 90s now.

...Also, did he not acknowledge that he equally relied fully on her to care for their child(ren) all day - or was that just assumed to be a given?

I bought an electric sofa blanket this week, 1p per hour to run and saves me heating the whole house while I'm sat in one room all day.
Would MIL like it?

My dad is late eighties.
To be honest though i work in benefits advice for older people so hear about the finances of a lot of older people and there are still an awful lot of women in their seventies and eighties who have extremely low state pensions indicating that either they have not worked much or were self employed and never paid their NI contributions. Like you say it could be that they worked very part time. of course my view is probably skewed though because those coming to our service for benefits advice are likely to be on a lower income.

Just imagine what he's like when your not there.

I would be very worried about MIL

I’m a lot younger but this is how we live too.

@Meloney I would buy an oil filled heater for your room, oodies and heated sheets/blankets. It’s only for a month.

Also @Meloney I don’t know if this would make any difference at all to FiL (prob not!) but do they have thermostatic valves on the radiators? You could turn off ones you don’t need and only heat your bedroom / living room for MiL (if she wants it)

£400 for a month may be too much. Our gas is £5-£6 per day including standing charge, hot water/showers and hob and it's on all day at 20°C (15°C at night).

I'm sure you are right. Maybe lots worked for cash in hand and were never in the system and/or opted out of state pensions, especially married women.

some may but that is a stunning generalisation.

Can we not have the casual ageism that all older people sit shivering regardless of how much money they have. I am neither rich nor poor but older and have my heating on whenever it feels chilly..so constantly on just now. I did once stay with a wealthy friend abroad and when it was forty degrees in a heatwave we were allowed aircon on an hour a day in the bedrooms before going to bed. We were all young then, so nothing about age and everything about control. And I am neutral about the cut to heating benefit because there are huge differences in how much money older people have. The state pension is one of the lowest in Europe and in this country the year you retired also affects what you get for state pension. The state pension is very small and you were not allowed to pay into a works pension if you worked part time until I think late 70s and even then many of us didn’t realise the law had changed. My works pension is about nine thousand a year.

Can your DH not say, 'Dad it's bloody freezing around here, turn the bleep bleep heating on, I will pay the bill.', 'You may be used to being this cold, but we are not and I can't stand to see my wife shivering.'

I would offer them the money or get some kind of heat source. Or find somewhere else to stay! I could understand if they were struggling with the bill but not if they can easily afford it. It's unreasonable of them.

i wouldn't give them the money up front because you have no guarantee that he would then put the heating on. Honestly I think there isn't a way to solve this peaceably.....I bet if you bought your own heat or heated throws and used them that would cause trouble. If I were you and I could afford it, I'd move out.

If we go to an Airbnb it will cause a bit of a scene I think.

I'd rather than the scene than go along with your FILs cruel ways. Unless he has some cognitive impairment he knows his wife and family are shivering, refuses to make it warm and dictates that everyone go along with it. Sounds like his lived his life having people fear him.
I wouldn't be giving them money when that's not the issue.

I'm also of a certain age and do not intend to be cold in my house ever again. We did enough of that when I was young virtually no heating in the house at all, and classic ice on the inside of the windows in winter, if I can afford the heating (which fortunately I can) it's on if it's cold.