Should I give inlaws £100 for heating now?

[Meloney]

We're staying at the inlaws for a month because we're having some renovation work at home. FIL absolutely refuses to put the heating on. It's not yet winter according to him. MIL has been sitting on the sofa in her coat with a blanket and hot water bottle, shivering, these past few evenings. We asked FIL to put the heating on tonight because our bedroom is like an ice box, and he said no.

AIBU to give him some cash for the heating and ask to put it on? Do you think £100 is appropriate? We were going to give them some money (couple of hundred) for bills etc. when we leave (even though they keep insisting not to worry). I'm thinking offering some cash up front might help motivate him to put the heating on now.

For context, they're both 70, retired and financially comfortable, and live in a mortgage-free, 4 bedroom house in an affluent area of the SE. (What I'm saying is they're not hard up, so don't think it's unreasonable for them to have the heating on atm).

Those small heaters cost a lot of money to run. I think it’s out of order to use one in someone else’s house without discussion. More pertinently, I would be surprised if your FIL isn’t keeping an eye on the electricity meter and if he is, it will immediately be obvious that you have started using an electric heater.

It’s better to be upfront. Have a respectful discussion acknowledging his viewpoint but making the point that you would like to get to a position where you are comfortable in the home too. Offer money because you acknowledge that your presence is disrupting their previously established dynamic, and have a discussion about what would be a reasonable amount.

Leave out the fact that your MIL is clearly not comfortable with the current situation. Pointing out his shortcoming in not seeing to the comfort of his wife will not get you what you want!

£600? Dream on. It’s one payment per pensioner household, not per pensioner. For those that qualify, the payment is £200 under 80, £300 for those 80 and over. We are pensioners in our late 70s, when the payment was universal, we got £100 each. The amounts haven’t changed.

@Meloney Your poor MIL! We have the heating on when it’s cold, even though we aren’t wealthy, we recognise the need for warmth.

I would just say that it’s been really kind of them to let you stay, but it’s too cold for you, so you are getting an air bnb or hotel. I cannot stand to be cold, so I would have to leave.

Some folk seem to have a 'thing' about heating even if they aren't hard up. They seem to find it a waste of money. I hate being cold so I have the heating on. I'd rather cut back on something else. Sometimes though there isn't much to cut back on. This doesn't seem to be the case with your relatives. Not sure if I'd offer them money. They might be offended.

Oh god, the 'no?' thing 😂
Anyway no, they're all family anyone can say something. Even if they weren't they can still say something

I'd be gone and leaving dh to explain why.

You could suggest a contribution to finances pointing out that would include heating. May not work of course.

It's not that irrational to deny yourself extra warmth, especially if the warmth comes at financial and ecological cost.
I know of loads of people who feel they are living "healthier" when it's a bit cold indoors. The air is fresher, you are less inclined to slump so it keeps you more active, there's always extra clothes, all that. We don't live that way ourselves, we like our heating on , but I'm surprised at how many people here see it as a must. All things considered, it is a luxury, there will always be things you can spend the same money on of more lasting consequence.
Op's scenario doesn't have to be anything sinister or controlling or mean, it's just two very different sets of needs and expectations from the heating.
So I'm going with the "stay somewhere else" suggestion.

I should add, we have the opposite issue when we stay with my 83 yo DM, she cranks up the heating, we almost die of heat exhaustion, she wont turn it down, we end up having to keep going out for fresh air. Indoors we wear vests and sloppy trousers, nights are quite a difficult sleep. It can be unpleasant, we have cut visits short for it, but it's not something we'd force. We get to stay in her house, so it's her rules, her needs, her habits.

I'm in a 4 bed semi in the SE and my monthly heating bill (combined elec/gas) is currently £280 per month. I'm not on a fixed tariff so theirs could be less if they're in a deal.

If FIL never has the heating on then I'd suggest their monthly bill is a lot less (defo got mine on atm!) I think £400 is therefore too much to offer. I'd have thought £300 would be more than enough to offer for all bills.

Edited to add, if he still says no then you know it's a control issue and I'd definitely consider an airbnb instead. He doesn't seem bothered about upsetting you and you'd be reasonable to tell him it's because his house is too cold for you to be comfortable.

Not only hypothermia but blood can clot at lower temperatures, especially risky for elderly.

OP said that she would be happy to go to an AirBnB but it would cause a scene. ILs can't have it both ways, refusing to put the heating on but being annoyed if OP and her DH want to leave to stay somewhere warm.

I'm 68,the heating is on. It's not an age thing, it's a short arms and long pockets thing. Some people are just miserly and miserable.
I'd offer to pay the bill this month or go elsewhere. Being cold is just misery.

I would do that. If your mother in law is wrapped up with a hot water bottle and shivering I do not understand why she doesn't put the heating on. I presume father in law rules the roost but he is unreasonable. We have heating because of cold spells like this one for goodness sake, the man cannot expect his wife and you to be miserably cold.

@Nanny0gg when I was a girl my family home had no central heating. Just a coal fire in the front room. I had ice on the inside of the windows in winter so I really appreciate the central heating now!!

I would feel ashamed if any visitors staying in my home felt the need to ask for the heating to be turned on!
The OP FIL sounds like a miserable, controlling, self-centred scrooge to be honest.
We are both in our 70's and dress for the seasons - so accept that thin tops and tee shirts aren't practical in cold weather - BUT when the temperature drops we rank up the heating and we would not want guests, either family or friends, to feel uncomfortable.

Where money isn't a problem I really don't understand this mentality. And that he doesn't even care that his own wife is cold is appalling.

Personally, if my DH tried that he'd never hear the end of it.

My parents only turned the heating on for guests.

The house got damp inside the walls and had to be heated, dehumidified then redecorated.

That cost way more than putting the heating on.

This is so true. My DH and I are in our 70s, and he feels the cold so much more than me. I'm comfortable at 18/19 degrees, he'd have it set at 24 which I find actively uncomfortable. There's not much more clothing that I can take off, so he has an oodie and a heated cushion. In our case it's nothing to do with coercion or parsimony, simply different body thermostats.

My dad (85) would be horrified if you produced an electric heater because "electricity costs twice as much as gas!!" and would probably rather put the heating on than let you run a heater!

We live in a 4 bed 50yr old house in the south, and in summer (with no heating on) we pay 300 a month

that is before heating

so and now when we put the heating on, sparingly, costs rocket

i guess we are also “misers” but DH been unemployed for 2 yrs and the cost of energy scares me

Sounds like my FIL last Winter his thermostat showed 13 degrees and he was proud his gas and electric bill that month was £33 combined! He has plenty of money and enjoys stashing it away .

You can’t make him do something he doesn’t want to do in his own house if he is of sound mind -and it sounds like he is. But in this instance, where their health is at risk, you should try.

You can’t stay there without heating. It’s unreasonable for you to have to stay there in those conditions so it shouldn’t matter if they kick up a fuss for you leaving for alternative warm accommodation. There is going to be a fuss either way. But please make sure MIL doesn’t actually want to come with you.

Your DH should be the one tackling this very serious problem very firmly, even if only for MIL sake. The cold can so easily be a killer for the elderly. There is no merit whatsoever in suffering like that when they can afford not to.
It really is worth taking a very firm lead and insisting he puts the heating on.
Then, if FIL complies, I think you should insist on paying the whole electricity bill for the time you are there.

Is he like this every year OP? Or is he upset about the withdrawal of the Winter Fuel Allowance and making some sort of illogical stand.

This

I would be calling adult social services if you can't get him to change his view.
A 70 year old woman shouldn't be shivering on the sofa with a coat on in any circumstances, nevermind when it's due to her husband choosing to despite having money.
But yes if you can afford it then pay for now, but if you can't get him to agree to setting the thermostat to 18.5 then longer term your MiL needs someone to look our for her.

I guess arguing about heating is the latest issue being pushed by bots. I’m waiting for all the ‘I hate what my husband got me for Xmas’ threads