If you could choose a man again

[Isshestillonthis]

What top traits would you look for and are they different to what you looked for/wanted when younger?

If I was single now I would 100% look for a man who makes me laugh, is very intelligent and positive and kind and finally, someone well established financially.

When younger I probably only thought about humour from the above list.

For me, there would only be one thing that would be an absolute in a future relationship. For them to be fully independent - not just financially/have a job/their own home - I mean can tidy up without being told there’s mess, can remember important dates or appointments without me being their personal secretary, can cook a half decent meal without needing to be told step by step instructions (including where the pans and ingredients are kept). I do not want to be a half way carer to another adult (who isn’t my child) in my life ever again.

The other bits are just a given really, I think we all would hope for a nice partner who we can laugh with and share interests. Personally I’d not want someone who was health and fitness mad, but I’d absolutely want someone who made me push myself a bit in trying new experiences. My last relationship felt like we’d reached our 90s by the age of 30…

I had the chance to pick again and chose a personality similar to my own, family matters, kindness, funny, calm, organised, physical attraction. I don’t believe in perfection everyone has their faults but I do believe in being equal as does he. The day I met him I realised I should hold onto him. In the past I had a chaotic partner and it became way too much.

Why on earth would you put up with this? You deserve so much more.

My DM always said a gentle, kind man and I scoffed at this thinking what did she know. But she was right.

Someone who would be a kind and involved parent.

Having been extensively screwed over by the male species the only two qualities which could ever possibly persuade me to have any sort of a relationship with a man again would be
a) he is a millionaire
b) he is also on life support and I get to pull the plug
Even then I don’t think I would want the bother

Someone who has my back . Not to fight my battles but support me and not bury their head in the sand .

I had two long(ish) term relationships in my late teens/early twenties before I met my husband at 23. So I knew what I didn't want!
I wanted a man who wasn't selfish, had ambition and adored me. I got all of those with my husband (I know this sounds twee, but it's just the truth).
We've been married 22 years, and he's an amazing Dad to our daughter too. I lucked out 😊

If I'm being perfectly honest, someone with better career prospects.

My DH is loyal, kind and practical, but EVERY argument we have is over lack of money. Our lives would be 100% easier if we were better off financially.

I'm very lucky. I've have this combined into one man; my dh.
Friends first, good sexual connection which, as with life, has suffered ups and downs eg, illness, young kids, menopause, but the base is always there.
Kind, great work ethic and good at his job, dependable, adores me, shared values, smart, pretty good at DIY and practical stuff, shared interests, shared sense of humour, financially secure, knowledgeable about lots of things, honest/ good morals, good communicator, fun, willing to compromise.

No one is perfect, though, and he has some faults (as do I), mainly around not looking after himself enough as he's aged, but I'm very lucky.

I wouldn't bother trying to find someone else... I'd live that 3rd life from the poem someone quoted.

I think I would probably look for similar things now that I did when I was younger, but the things I'd compromise on would be different, if that makes sense? For example, while I always wanted someone who was calm, rational and not prone to emotional drama, I had two boyfriends when I was younger who were proper drama queens because they had other qualities I found attractive. But if I was looking for someone now, I'd ditch them at the first sign of OTT reactions/drama/mood swings etc.

He's also a good cook, and pulls his weight around the house, as well as being a good dad. He's my soul mate.
We could be more social, though, as we don't have a large circle of friends.

The fact that you think it's 'unrealistic' for the OP to look for a man who is funny, intelligent, kind and financially stable certainly explains why some women set the bar really fucking low.

It's not a long list and those are not niche qualities. She's literally just asking for a decent bloke who's got his shit together, nothing more.

My husband is all of these things except he doesn’t cook

I'd pick a dog, Labrador or German Shephard

Id place more importance on healthy communication. Id want to make sure that we balanced each other better and worked as a team

I would choose my DH in every lifetime.

I initially chose a ‘sensible match’ because I wanted marriage and children, but we had a couple of miscarriages and this was what made me fall madly in love with him: the way he looked after me, supported me, grieved with me. I knew at that point that whatever life threw at me then there was absolutely no one else in the world I wanted by my side.

I am so very grateful that he is mine 💕

Someone with integrity.
It's all well nice nigel seems caring and kind to his family on the surface but if behind closed doors, down the pub or at work he is a misogynistic abusive twat then no thanks.

Unfortunately we live in a world that's increasingly easier to hide a double life.

I'd also look at parents. whilst not everyone will be like their parents if its not evident that any work has been done to change or evolve usually how parents are and the way they relate to people,solve conflict is how their child does too.

The ability to take constructive criticism and work on themselves. On mn we see over and over how men won't take any responsibility or work on themselves or compromise.

Unfortunately I think the men with more of these qualities are either not born or still being raised. We also live in a society that can gender shapes men into misogynistic pigs.

I'm not sure I'd make it my priority to find a man when there is so much more of life to enjoy.

I find it really strange that on reality shows EG Love Island,dating shows etc, when the women get asked about their usual type there are loads of "I tend to be attracted to & go for good looking bad boy types" then others giggle in agreement. I could never even consider the typical bad boy types. I don't understand it at all.

Oh very interesting. On the surface DH is the very antithesis of me. Highly mathematical, boys' grammar school educated, lived for rugby and cricket and went on to do a STEM degree. Yes, I would choose DH again. I was nursing a broken heart when he kinda exploded into my life. He told me we would be getting married at the end of our first date! And really, that's DH in a nutshell, a force of nature, self assured and determined.

Our first 10 years together were fun but often stormy, DH just wasn't a bloke to be domesticated. In the end we broke up because although we had the love and passion, perhaps too much, we struggled to find the harmony. I had turned 30 and I felt it was time to grow up and move on.

We were apart for a few months, but we couldn't quite leave each other alone. He eventually persuaded me to give him another chance and then, so typically, DH proposed within 2 weeks. That was 23 years ago and we're still very happily married. Becoming a husband and a father mellowed him and centered him and he is 100% devoted to me and our DDs. He's far from perfect, he's scruffy, untidy, impatient and headstrong. But whilst we still have the passion, DH is also my home and my safe place, and I would have no interest living in a world without him in it.

Someone more social, more conforming and someone who was from or lived in my hometown.

I would chose a man who, when faced with a choice between spending time with me or with his friends, would chose me, even just once.

Oh my God this made me really laugh out loud, thank you and I agree.

😂

I wouldn't bother because no other man could measure up to my husband.