If you could choose a man again

[Isshestillonthis]

What top traits would you look for and are they different to what you looked for/wanted when younger?

If I was single now I would 100% look for a man who makes me laugh, is very intelligent and positive and kind and finally, someone well established financially.

When younger I probably only thought about humour from the above list.

I find it odd when women say they're attracted to a man who could hold his own in a fight, protect them etc. DP is 6'4" but the most gentle person I know, and his absolute inability to hurt anyone is exactly why I feel so safe and attracted to him.

Yes my husband isn't aggressive at all, I can't ever imagine him getting into a fight, that would involve having to get to an argument first and that wouldn't happen because he's quite introverted so wouldn't start talking to someone in the first place 😂

Absolutely this. Iwas never interested in “bad boys” even when I was young.

Genuinely loves women / a feminist. Is from a kind and supportive family. Solvent, does not have to be rich. Rooting for me and I for them. Similar ethics to me. Still curious about the world.

My DH is kind, honest, very intelligent, can fix anything, financially well off, young looking for his age and a good cook. If I wish for anything to add to the list, I wish he was more affectionate and there was a bit more chemistry, a bit less stubborn and he was not so wedded to a routine. But he’s a very good man, and I’m lucky to have him. It is my second marriage, and it is so, so much better than the first one which was really emotionally abusive. Day and night.

I think it would be totally different now than when I was younger (it is). I would look for…

Someone who makes me feel special and loved
Someone with similar interests
someone who is intelligent
someone who isn’t selfish in the bedroom

I think when I was younger I was probably looking for someone who was good looking, had a nice car and a good job 😬. I don’t think I really considered all the other things. Ended up married at 22 to someone who I had nothing in common with….., we grew apart pretty quickly.

Yeah I was never interested in bad boys, I married a quiet, kind (I thought), hard working bloke - turned out he was a covert narc.

If I could choose again I'd choose a woman!

Lol, this is a fair point, I am NOT a catch and my list is quite hypocritical 😂

Financially secure. I didn’t factor this in AT ALL when I was younger.

Immaculate hygiene. My current OH may have done things which means I’m currently seriously considering replacing him, but I don’t think he has ever had BO or worn a dirty item of clothing ever. Reading about some men on here has this right at the top of any future pick list.

More into me than I am into him. This was the advice my friends GM gave me and I’ve spent my whole current relationship horribly aware that I’m the more invested one.

Generous. With time, their thoughts, their emotions and their money.

I expect they saw it as something else; some people have admitted they thought it meant passivity or weakness.

Flipside of that is my mother, who chose an angry, abusive, loud, shouty, aggressive man because she thought it was manly strength and resilience. He was actually an incredibly weak and broken person (couldn't control his anger or himself, for a start, and couldn't handle not always being right or not having his environment managed for him) but she will never see it that way.

I don't know why everyone equates quiet/shy with being kind.

The same traits I wanted when i was young. Decency, integrity, honesty, shared values, relaxed, fun, witty, with strength, vitality, enthusiasm. For a variety of reasons, trade not office based. Good looks. The only thing I'd do differently now was to be very mindful of his relationship with alcohol and the red flags I missed back then.

@peepsquick yeah - H games into the early hours every night, we haven't been to bed at the same time for 17 years. And takes up much of his weekend. He doesn't work a lot, so its also often weekday day-times. Its been a relationship killer. Gaming in itself isn't a problem.

I’d choose my DH again, he’s funny, thoughtful, caring generous, really likes and loves me and then he (we) unexpectedly got rich which is a lovely bonus.

@MyUmberFinch ah I'm sorry to hear that, yes I can imagine, I'd be very unhappy with that.

I’ve always liked men who are rather charming, funny, successful possibly verging on arrogant - shock horror, it seems not to be the best recipe for a happy relationship!

If I could do it all again I’d look for kind and loyal and be less worried about sparks from how they make me feel looks wise. (I’d like to keep the successful bit though 🤣). Ultimately I’d look for more of a best friend than a lover.

I can't. I didn't choose him, we chose each other and he is dead.

This. After a number of relationships that seemed full of complications because of drama and issues in my partners' families, I met someone who loved and supported his parents and had positive, easygoing relationships with his siblings. They all welcomed me into their low-drama, high-support, loving family and I now have two SILs who are closer to me than my own very prickly and sister. It embarrasses me that I'm the one with the 'difficult' family!

I also think compatible attitudes to money are really important. I'd avoid anyone tight or spendthrift like the plague.

Kindness, sense of humour and the ability to mend and fix things, do plumbing and electrics and build stuff.

Basically my friends husband, or possibly his long lost identical brother …..

I have everything you listed. I would have also liked someone practical and adventurous and better at giving gifts/compliments.

Same.

Kindness, laughter, financially savvy and domesticated!

Was just coming on to say this. Grateful for my children, but FFS.

Someone who's good at DIY would be near the top of my list 😂

Oooh, absolutely brilliant thread idea OP!

I would make sure I chose someone with empathy, someone who didn’t go on the defensive and attack at any perceived criticism. Someone who is thoughtful, and has small acts of service as their love language. Someone who recognises and appreciates everything I bring to the partnership, and returns the favour with an equal contribution. Someone who had lived away from their parents for a few years before I met them and had an understanding of the mental and physical load it takes to run a household. Also a desire to travel and eat out more frequently, and someone who gives gifts.

As all of that sounds like a pretty damning report of my DH 😅, the things he has and I would choose again would be an absolutely top-notch sense of humour, similar interests and political and social values, a cool head and resilience under pressure, a job in the trades and a work-based rather than uni education, skills and and talent in many areas, and good looks.

Let's just say your list describes my second (and current, and hopefully last!) DH and when choosing my exH I was, indeed, young and mostly concerned with the humour.

Mine is actually kind, and loyal and I love that about him.

But I feel murderous when he eats with his mouth open. Good table manners top of the list for me 😆