If you could choose a man again

[Isshestillonthis]

What top traits would you look for and are they different to what you looked for/wanted when younger?

If I was single now I would 100% look for a man who makes me laugh, is very intelligent and positive and kind and finally, someone well established financially.

When younger I probably only thought about humour from the above list.

I don't want a new man so I have nothing to "offer".

Fwiw though, I'm hot, funny, smart, have a well paid job that I'm great at and makes a difference, I volunteer in my community. I also cook, bring my husband coffee in bed, make time for him to have a few hours peace each weekend to decompress.

All the stuff that makes a weedy insecure entitled little man paranoid about cheating.

Honestly, I wouldn’t change DH. He’s definitely my person. He makes me laugh, he’s kind, a great parent and we match in all the ways that are important to me. He also gives me time and space to be me (and vice versa).

If I was single now I would 100% look for a man who makes me laugh, is very intelligent and positive and kind and finally, someone well established financially

ooo sorry should have said….dh is all of the above so i would definitely go for your list, I am much heavier than him now as well as a few inches taller so if i am honest i would probably go for someone bigger than me (not massively) but if another man the same as dh turned up i wouldn’t care about that

This is both incredibly astute and perfectly articulated. I am going to print it out!

When I was online dating my criteria were make me laugh, be able to chat, be solvent, don’t be a minger, be decent in bed.

I would add kindness now to the top of the list.

maybe I’m shallow but I think that’s the list I’d go with if I ever had to choose again. Though to be honest I don’t think I’d bother.

My dh Is autistic and as much as I love him , I miss out on what I'd describe as coupledom .
We don't kiss , hold hands , he never pulls me in for a hug , he's never tickled me or randomly grabbed my bum , doesn't tell me I look nice or mention new clothes or a haircut or danced me around the kitchen , we don't really share a laugh , he's never told me a joke , or really tried to make me laugh .
But he is who he is , and I love him .
If I had the choice of another man , he would have a few of the above .

This. I picked poorly the first time but far better the second. We've been together for 23 years. He is perfect for me.

This. 100%.

My mother highlighted the importance of kindness over many years and I totally didn't get why. I thought it was passive and wishy-washy. When it finally clicked it was like breaking an evil spell and discovering true happiness.

I wish I had listened, dodged all the emotional vampires and met my wonderful, kind DH years earlier.

Definitely intelligence and confidence. I like a man who can walk into a room and talk to anyone. Someone who is not self conscious and awkward.

Looks don't matter so much necessarily but I couldn't ever be with someone who I didn't have a spark with. There must be chemistry

The thing is no one is perfect. It's about working out what you are prepared to trade off and live with and what are your deal breakers.

After I got divorced, I had a list. It went out the window when I met my partner. Lol.

Gaming was ON my list. And still would be. Although my dh and I don’t do it for long, and definitely not at the exclusion of family stuff. It’s for the odd hour in the evening. We are both in our 30s with professional jobs (although I am on mat leave now).

the idea of someone doing it the whole weekend puts me off though.

You know the ones who were into you but you found them boring, out of fashion, because they dressed smart and didn’t follow the trend at that time, a bit shy, quite, handsome with perfect hair, responsible, good students or already in good jobs, the ones that didn’t get drunk every Saturday but somehow you weren’t attracted to them
The ones I know ended up being great husbands and dad’s and they still adore their wives after many years of marriage

Excellent reply. I never really had a chance at ' the dream' as a lot of luck is needed for that to even come along and many people who don't get that prefer to be alone but I really didn't .

I chose the first option for my second marriage ( my first marriage was just an all round mistake) and it has been amazingly successful so far, not perfect but we do have a bit more then you list, including a very close friendship and the continuing ability to laugh at life's tragedies as well as complete acceptance of the other person for who they are .

The amazing physical sexual connection is probably where we are weakest but it is still good most of the time and even very good nowadays.

I may be lucky in that sex / sexual connection never really made it to my top 5 things important in a relationship even with the other people I tried to make to make it work with. I did probably have stronger sexual chemistry with a couple of my previous partners than I did with DH when we first met but in the end it just wasn't that important enough for me to overlook the other stuff .

I did a bit of tying to change DH in the early years but only on superficial things like clothing / style and how often he cleaned the house . Luckily he was happy to make some adjustments in that area though never to the level I'd have liked at the time , 😀

Nowadays I don't need him to change . He is pretty great just how he is and he has never needed me to change at all ( and I can tell you I am really not easy to live with )

So I count my blessings every day. I count my marriage as one of the few real successes in my life.

I do need one life success though as I feel like I really haven't succeeded in many other areas including work and parenting.

It’s a bit cheesy but if I had to choose again, I’d choose my husband. He’s kind, dependable and funny, the physical side of our relationship is great and he’s confident in a quiet sort of way. He doesn’t need everyone’s eyes on him but he’s comfortable in himself and can chat to absolutely anyone, anywhere. He’s not highly educated, that was never important to me, but he’s very sharp and clever and makes good business decisions. He makes me feel valued and appreciated, I’ve never once doubted how much he loves me, and he’s a fantastic father.

If I was working off the list I had when I met him, he’s a bit too short (under 6’4 😂), he was a bit too young (only two years older than me), he works a bit too much and he wasn’t financially comfortable when we met.. unsurprising for a barely 23 year old 😂 I’d have been the biggest fool in the world to overlook him.

Not sure why gaming has to be any more unattractive than watching TV which most people seem to be able to do without criticism so long as they're not doing it into the early hours or during family time, I game myself.

I'm a bit astonished at the number of women who apparently didn't think kindness was important the first time round.

Did you read the poem? It talks about having the odd weekend fling! 😂 I think that’s pushing it if you expect to marry a man who is chill with that (although I suppose they are out there).

I don’t think it’s about ‘not doing the things you want to do’ because you are married, rather that if you had the option to have three lives, you’d choose to keep two the same and be an entirely different person in the third (thinner, go to yoga, be vegan and occasionally have one night stands). It actually really speaks to me. I adore my husband and would 100% choose my life again (and in fact I DO choose it, every day). But that doesn’t stop idle daydreaming about roads I haven’t travelled (like being vegan and thinner and spending my weekends occasionally getting the ride from a stranger) even if I haven’t travelled them because ultimately, I didn’t want to, and made a different choice.

Same & he is:
Clever
Caring
Confident
Fit
Funny
Helpful
Practical
Intelligent
Knowledgeable
Ambitious
Kind
honest
Handsome
Sexy
Faithful
Strong

I think men often get a bad press & many rightly so. To those who have been in toxic relationships,my list proves there are good men out there & they shouldn't all be tarred with the same brush.

@gannett I think when younger a lot of women are attracted to more "showy" traits, I have to admit I probably overlooked and took for granted my DH's kindness when we were younger, partially because ultimately it's a pretty low bar really...everyone should be kind, it should be a given and not a "trait", but on growing up realised that actually no that isn't the case for a lot of men especially in a society of toxic masculinity so it is something I have come to value much more the older we have gotten. And when you get to the stage of having children and aging, you realise just how central kindness is.

If I could choose a man again, I wouldn't choose a man.

When I talk with my friends (all in 50’s) the general consensus is that if it all fell apart, they couldn’t be arsed with another man.

As a young person you think you need to have/ want a partner to feel loved, get a house, car, kids, holidays and to feel secure. If you are in your 50’s and been married, you probably have most of that list.

So, what I would go for now (50’s) would be very different to back then. Now, I wouldn’t NEED a man to tick off that list. I’d be financially independent, have my own house, kids etc. I can pay someone to cut the grass etc. if I can’t do it.

The only reason to have one is a bit of male company. Not even sex really TBH. With that in mind I’d want someone who isn’t going to tap me for money as any spare cash I’d have would be going on my own DC, doesn’t have massive dramas in their life that spills over to me, is a good laugh, is sociable and likes travelling and shares my hobbies. So, a really good friend.

True. I'd also add that a man's kindness to others, especially those he doesn't have to impress or doesn't benefit from impressing, is incredibly important.

I find it odd when women say they're attracted to a man who could hold his own in a fight, protect them etc. DP is 6'4" but the most gentle person I know, and his absolute inability to hurt anyone is exactly why I feel so safe and attracted to him.

I’m sorry for your loss.

@Pokemamma this is exactly what my mum says. It's really hard for her because she loves being single on the one hand, and living on her own after decades in relationships, but she misses male company and companionship, also just generally having a cheerleader in your life, that feeling of being loved and belonging that a relationship can bring. She needs a male companion, someone who has similar hobbies, his own home and financial stability that she can meet up with regularly for walks, dates and holidays, without clearing up after them. But that's a hard thing to find! She needs one of those attractive widowers in Hallmark films.