It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

Thank you everyone, I do appreciate it. I’m trying to keep up with comments, in between suspecting that @walltowallkents is actually my MIL 🤣

My parents are separated and my mum works full time so wouldn’t be able to come unfortunately, but we will be doing plenty with her in December. But aside from that, this trip was a treat for PIL’s, we just thought they would want to be there, and clearly they have had a better offer.

I don’t want a huge falling out, life is much easier when everyone gets along but I was stupid to think things were heading in the right direction. I think a pp is right, their relationship with DD will never be the same as the one with DGS.. but I have to let that go.

I'm not sure why your DH is OK with his daughter being an afterthought for his mum to the extent that she is willing to miss most of the pre-booked and paid for holiday with her grand-daughter in order to attend a 30 minute Nativity for her grandson, which she attended last year. He seems very passive. Was he treated like this as a child with his sister being the favourite? If so, he shouldn't let this unfairness affect another generation of children.

She wouldn't have known the nativity date at time of booking. I think making any plans in December when you have nursery/school age kids is always dangerous and plans are never concrete until all the Xmas stuff has been pencilled in and confirmed.

I can't imagine a grandmother would want to miss her grandsons (first?) nativity. I would look to change the centre parcs dates if you can or just let her come along and then go back for the nativity as she wishes.

It's not a personal dig at you or your child, she is just trying to do everything and please everyone.

This comes from someone who's children don't have a grandmother as she chose not to be in their lives so please understand how much it means and make the most of the time she makes for your child.

She is probably gutted that she can't have both grand children together because of what's gone on with the family by the sounds of it? It sounds like she is torn between two of them

This is such an adult projection. @Bounty9 ‘s daughter is 2.5 years old! She won’t have a clue. You just say “Granny and Grandad are going to go and do something important at [cousin’s] school while we go and do some fun activities, but they’ll be back at dinner time and to read you a story later.” No issue at all unless an adult somewhere makes it one.

I can't imagine a grandmother would want to miss her grandsons (first?) nativity.

It's not his first. She went last year

I get your hurt. The correct response would have been to tell SIL they were away and couldn’t make it.

A word of warning, my family has experienced exactly this sort of treatment and it escalated as the kids got older. Cousin being invited to Grandparents for sleepovers, ours were not. Pocket money given to cousin, nothing to our child. I could go on. Someone said your child will notice eventually. Totally true. Ours absolutely noticed. In our case PiL have even split their will uneven so the other grandchild gets a bigger share. They’ve told us all so there are no ‘surprises’ but can you imagine trying to understand the rationale for that as a child? To be honest I wish we had done more to protect ours from this.

Have only read your posts OP, so not sure if anyone suggested this but….

could your parents join you? If so I would get your DH to message back saying

“No worries, as you can’t join the main part of the time away Bounty’s parents will join us for this trip and we’ll organise something with you two for another time”

@Bounty9

I just think this is a bit of a wake up call maybe... you were hoping to get things back to no blatant favouritism and that hasn't worked so at least now you know where you stand and can act accordingly in the future.

I just imagine if the boot was on the other foot and Grandma bailed out of something that DGS was doing, there would be hell from her DD!

But now you know.

Maybe message her back with "It's ok, I understand - you've had a better offer" and leave it at that. She knows you know.

If this was the cause of last years upset, she knows exactly how you'll be feeling this time.

You know she favours her daughter's child. She knows that you know.

There's no reason for any more pretence. Let the lovely relationship between her and your DD continue. And try not to bear a grudge.

But apart from that, I'd just accept this as the status quo.

But She doesn't get invites to DDs nativity, ballet show, graduation. You won't want to risk DD being disappointed to be trumped by her cousin. Make sure MIL knows this is the last time you allow her to let DD down.

I think you are being unreasonable.

I think your expectations around your MIL are too much.

I think today is about her bailing for a few hours for a nativity, but tomorrow it will be something else. Anytime she appears to treat her DGS just a tad more preferentially, you are going to be running a mental comparison tick chart.

If all were fair then all MIL's would be like second mothers, who treat all their GC totally equally all of the time, but in reality it doesn't always work out that way and to be honest, most people accept this to an extent, I mean most women might naturally have their own mother be more involved with their DCs than their MIL.

I think you need to accept that a good relationship between MIL and DGD is enough and stop running the comparison chart because there's potentially years of aggravation to come if you don't. As long as your MIL loves DD, and DD adores her then that is good.

Yes, DH is passive. Probably why we work, because he is and I am not! He does not like to rock the boat, or upset his mum. Which I get - but I do feel like I have to advocate for DD most of the time. Sometimes I wish he would just say god that was a bit shitty of her, which to be fair he did on #holidaygate which is probably why things changed afterwards.

@brbg2g no, she went to his nativity last year. They do spend time as a group, DH doesn’t work on Thursdays and takes DD over to spend time with MIL/SIL and her cousin, because he doesn’t seem bothered by it.

I think my worry is yes, DD couldn’t give two hoots at the moment. She’s going to have a great time and won’t care that MIL is there or not when she meets Santa, but one day she probably will.

In my school there are only 3 nativities, in foundation, yr 1 and yr 2. They are all incredibly special- in the first year they are some sort of animal (but so sweet and little), years 1 and 2 they have speaking parts. Then it’s over. Plus they are so lovely- they represent a thread of Christmas through time for me (me, my siblings and now all our kids still doing similar things). No way would I miss one unless I was in hospital or something. Saying that the MIL has seen one already isn’t really the point.

Its not his first nativity. It is his second nursery nativity. There are plenty more to come in KS1.

Given that they attended last year I would have expected them to take dates into account when agreeing any December trips with other people - or at the very leasst flagged it as an issue before agreeing you spent any money.

For anyone suggesting they are doing you a favour by accompanying their grandchild on a trip - they are adults who could have turned down the invitation or suggested a different week or indeed month.

They've planned out the trip with the Op - acitivites were booked with their involvement.

So yes, she's had a more attractive or more important offer.

I feel for you, @Bounty9. It isn't easy to see this behaviour and not say anything.

However, this is one of those times you need to say something. She's known about this holiday for 6 months, even actively planned stuff with you, and now is missing most of it. Be firm when you speak with her and let her know you are disappointed in her behaviour and blatant favouritism and won't be going out of your way in future, especially after past behaviour when you thought she had seen the error of her ways and then stick to it. Don't cut contact (unless you want to) but definitely cool the relationship between you and her.

I feel bad for your FIL for all the driving but he's a grown-up who has a voice if he's really that annoyed about the change in plans.

Honestly I'd be delighted! Enjoy those hours without them around. She will be grateful if you don't make a big fuss about it x

I would go back and say whilst you understand it’s a nativity play they did see it last year and they did agree to come and spend time with their son and his family including a grandchild who is looking forward to it and you are disappointed they are putting their other grandchild first yet again. I would then go on to say you had a number of activities planned and taking 6 hours out of a day is a lot so perhaps it’s better they don’t come as it will just upset whatever your child name is to see them then have them disappear and come back again

Sorry, she didn't double book. They don't set nativity play dates six months in advance. You MIL may have said she wanted to go, before knowing the date but once she realised she was already committed she should have explained and held her commitment to you. They are basically throwing your money down the drain and I would be very upset if I were you.

Yes it would be difficult for the grandparents to say no to your sil but it would have been a rational decision and what they are doing just doesn't make sense and its wasting your money.

I think your MIL has drawn a line in the sand at how important this other GC is to her - she feels a special bond with this child

I see it with my sister and her GCs, - the oldest girl is treated so very very diffferently to the rest

I think you need to stop pushing this as you have already had an argument once, and it didnt change anything

Couldn’t disagree more.

She planned to go on a trip away with one grandchild, including accompanying that Grandchild for their visit to Santa’s Grotto. Booked and paid for months ago.

She then got invited (at a later date) to see a different Grandchild in their annual nativity play……… decided to blow out her original plans with one grandchild, in favour of another Grandchild.

As a Mum I would be very offended on behalf of my child.

Nativity plays are usually across at least 2 days, to allow all parents to go. Is it worth asking if this is the case and MIL swapping her tickets with another parent?

Also, are MIL and FIL both going to the play? If not, suggest she gets a train, so that he can stay. Might make her feel a bit of FOMO and she makes the right decision to stay. Definitely let DH take this over in terms of a conversation, but do make sure that he’s clear that this will affect your ongoing relationship with them and that you’d be reluctant to organise, or be involved with things in the future with them. Even if he isn’t bothered, you’re being messed about and he shouldn’t expect you to keep smiling and put up with it.

For all those saying that the relationship will get worse with @Bounty9 ’s kids I don’t agree. A friend of mine had a similar experience where her partners mother, her MIL favoured the grandchildren on the other side very obviously during the early years. However, as the grandchildren grew up the MIL really appreciated my friend’s children, the relationship became much much better and stronger. I think in part because the relationship was not being facilitated by the relevant mothers (the MIL’s daughter) but was able to be independent. I think what @Bounty9 can do is just not put hurdles in the way of this and involve her partner more in the arrangements for his own side of the family.

Not only does this OP want to keep the iLs in their lives - she and DH are paying for a trip specifically to include the iLs, to cater for their tastes and sat down with them to organise the activities, including DD's first Father Christmas visit.

Now the MiL has something better on offer and is disappearing off for the bulk of the main day (for the DD) so that she can prioritise GDS's second nativity having already seen the first..

Its bloody rude apart from anything else to accept an expensive gift designed with you in mind and then sag off for the core part to take up a better offer. I wouldn't allow my DC when younger to break that kind of commitment and I certainly wouldn't do it myself, irrespective of any golden child situation.

@Bounty9 All you can do is relay how hurtful it is, get on with your lives and don't go to such expense and trouble in the future. Warn DH that he won't see when any favouritism starts to affect DD because it builds up bit by bit and you both will be trying to mitigate it. I would not feel obliged to spend Christmas at DPs or PiLs at the same time as cousins who were being noticeably favoured over others.

Leaving aside any favouritism, I see this as pretty bad manners given that the 3-day break was booked long in advance and the nativity obviously couldn't have been. It was not an accidental double booking. Most people would have made their apologies regarding the nativity and stuck with the original plan, even if it made them a bit sad. I do wonder if SIL has put immense pressure on them to attend, and if that's a longstanding thing. Was SIL competitive with her brothers growing up?

The other thing that strikes me as very possible is that the PILs value boys more than girls, which seems to be a thing with some GPs. (Also, if they valued their own sons more than SIL, it might account for any competitiveness from her now.) If that's the case, it really needs sitting on firmly before it turns into offering to pay private school fees for DGS and not DGD, or something awful like that.

I'd be tempted to tell them it's too much driving and "some other time", invite someone to take their place so there's no option to change their mind, and then hope like hell there's a seating limit at the nativity!

But I do think it needs talking about plainly if somthing similar happens again.

Don’t worry I’m not - you couldn’t pay me to attend either event! 😂