It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

It doesn’t sound like she double booked herself. It sounds like the nativity was just scheduled and she’s changed her plans. I agree it’s very rude. In your position I’d ask DH to be honest and explain why it’s hurtful. No need to start an argument, just be honest about your/ his feelings.

what happened on this family holiday? We might need some context in order to balance the YABUs and YANBUs!

Isn't that ine of the first rules of manners? You don't blow stuff off for a better offer.

Where are your parents @Bounty9? Can they come down and visit Santa with you all?

If it makes you feel any better...my in-laws not only don't give a shiny shit about their grandchildren they go to huge efforts for their nephew and nieces kids that are the same age as their grandchildren! Net result our kids don't give a fig about them, and despite living minutes away hardly bother with them except when we make them.

I hope you don't treat people like this, blow them off for a better offer? One full day and mil fucks off for the best part of it? Haha no.

This update makes it even worse! If they sat down and booked the activities with you, they know full well what a big deal the trip is. You have been far too conciliatory in your text response to her.

She's basically got a better offer (to her) and wants to do that instead. I would be pissed off too. If the situation were changed, and it were you're DD's nativity play, she'd miss it, wouldn't she?

Just to add, is there any way you could ask your parents/family members in place of them. Tbh, that’s what I would tempted to do, although it’s sad for your fil, who sounds lovely.

I'd try and bite my tongue, OP. It's not going to solve anything, is it? The holiday fall out didn't resolve it, they just revert back to previous behaviour at the first opportunity. They'll justify their shitty behavior with all the crappy justifications that have been spouted here.

Go and have a lovely time, let them do the ridiculous trip, avoid the passive aggressive remarks suggested here and don't bother making any effort to involve them any more.

I'm usually one for calling people out, but one thing I've learnedis when to let it go - people who don't care or just make excuses for themselves won't change. They won't see the light no matter what you say and you just end up more upset by it all.

Thinking about this more ( I'm definitely avoiding doing work!)
I think that the relationship between your DP and sister must also be off kilter, because she is okay with taking their parents away from their short break with him and his family.
Would talking to her about this help? Because she should not be okay with this happening but maybe she doesn't realize the situation?

How can people be this dense? Hmm, I wonder, how could a mother possibly be bothered by her child being treated much less favourable than their cousin?

Point taken but I still think MIL is trying to please everyone and keep the peace

She agreed to the holiday with her son, OP and their DD back in the summer. It's obvious that the dates of the nativity have just been released. She should stick with the prior arrangement with her son. She attended the other grandchild's nativity last year. They have one full day for this 3-day break and MIL will miss most of it due to prioritising her other grandchild.

Of course OP is annoyed with her. Most people would be.

Just to say, it is really hard to get the right balance between children and grandchildren. Sometimes someone thinks the other one is being favoured etc. when you’re just trying to do your best.

However, isn’t it pretty much accepted in life that one doesn’t bail on prior commitments, unless something really important takes precedence? Watching a second nativity play doesn’t count as really important, really, does it. Not in this case.

Take your parents instead if you can.

It's going to make it very awkward them leaving, then coming back.

Your child wondering why granny and grandpa are leaving. Then granny and grandpa coming back and being told everything you have done that they have missed out on. You then listening to details of a nativity play and lunch that they left you for.

I would find it very hard to be smiley and polite and pleasant after paying for the trip that they are then choosing to bail out of for a significant period of time.

Standard manners are that one honours the commitment agreed in the first place. You have selected activities to do that they aren't even going to be present for. Your child is then disappointed, but will obviously quickly get over that.

I think it would be better under the circumstances, that granny has decided, that they just don't come. It will just be more awkward, they will be tired, you will be upset. It just doesn't work.

Your MIL and FIL both incredibly rude. It’s the height of bad manners to agree to something then months later say you’ve double booked. I’d leave it to your H to sort out but would definitely want them to know how disappointed you all are. And I’d never ask them to anything like this again.

I would be very upset too. Unfortunately our kids are just accessories to their cousins and there for them to play with and of little interest on their own and must not achieve anything the cousins haven't or it will be ignored. A family holiday trumps a grandchild's nativity surely. If he's preschool age he'll probably have another one in infant school and it'll be recorded by someone anyway.

and yet i just got back from a holiday where people popped off to see others unplanned, some of us even tagged along. we even rearranged the schedule to make it easier 🙂

amazingly no one died or took it personally. again i don't assume bad faith from people i care about and who i know care about me.

if it bothers that much say something.

No, MIL is not allowed to have a favourite or be given x amount of chances.
I think we should agree to disagree on our opinions

Yes I am not sure she would have done this intentionally- we only found out the dates of the nativity after October half term (so 2 weeks ago).

If your DD loves her I would let it go and maybe try to put some of the activities in on the Thursday- still plenty of time to get home even if you stay until dinner.

I think though, and you may feel this is slightly unfair, part of you still might be hoping/ expecting that she’ll treat your kids the same as her daughter’s. If that’s going to happen (and it might not, some people just feel closer to some parts of their family) it has to happen naturally but don’t force it, try to just accept the relationship they do have. Personal I wouldn’t be booking any organised activities for a bit as it all sounds too stressful and likely to end in bad feeling.

In fact I think I’d be handing over the management of that relationship to your DH so you can focus on your side of the family.

I’m just saying what I would say. Wouldn’t be able to stop myself.

I think she is due credit that she is trying to make everything work.

You will all have the first night together.

Yes she is away for 5 hours but she will still be there for breakfast until mid morning, with a little one you'll all be up about 7am anyway.

Then you can all have dinner together, the second night together and breakfast/mid morning time together on day 3.

I know it's hard, I was a mum with little and I look back and think I placed too high importance on some things.

I'm not saying it's not important but it's not like she has completely blown you off.

Preschool and schools are not great at giving dates for nativities and things like that. So she probably has had your trip in her paper diary and when she's been advised of nativity has probably felt very stuck and working out how she can be in two places at once.

Is she really supposed to blow off the nativity?

We didn't have anyone else at first santa visit as it felt special for only us.

But I do think nativities are special for extended family.

It's not clear cut, it sounds like she is trying to do her best.

I just don't think you should go the nuclear option, univite her and then blow her off for the foreseeable future over this. I mean you can by all means

You have two paths and neither of them are what you wanted, I get that.

Question is which one will cause your situation the least damage and provide you with the most support as new parents after this short break.

Good luck x

Is she really supposed to blow off the nativity?

Yes.

She agreed 6 months ago on a trip 2 hours drive away and activities pre planned with her and her DGD

I suspect MIL might see her solution (driving to see the nativity and then coming back) as best of both worlds and I can sort of see the logic (as things stand she’ll have 2 evenings and mornings with 1GC, the middle of one day with the other). That actually seems pretty logical especially as the GC can do activities during the middle of the full day. I bet the GC won’t care whether Granny is there for the full day if she’s doing interesting stuff.

Plus she agreed to this before she knew the date of the nativity which is incredibly special for lots of people, I daresay she’d have said no if the date was known. These things happen, it’s not worth destroying the relationship between GP/ GC over.