It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

Can't see the issue, you know she favours the other dc so should come at no surprise that she's willing to do a 6 hour drive away to see dc do something else.

More fool you for even inviting them again after a "massive argument" on a previous holiday.

OP has previously posted:

'we booked this with her in mind because she loves Christmas. It's DD's first santa visit, the first one she understands and is excited about - she's missing that too.'

This mini-break is Christmas themed and MIL was invited because she loves Christmas. A paid for holiday with her son and grand-daughter should be a treat for her, like attending her grandson's nativity obviously is.

If spending time with her grand-daughter and watching her see Santa for the first time is 'doing a favour', implying that it actually isn't something she would enjoy, she should just not bother, instead of messing her son and OP about.

She is a pretty awful grandmother to her grand-daughter, albeit a lovely grandmother to her grandson. This sort of favouritism destroys family relationships.

I think a sensible sister in law would be saying “oh that’s a shame mum, that the dates clash. Never mind, I’ll video it. You’re committed to seeing Santa with Molly/Dolly/whatever now and that’s going to be so fun.”

As an aside, schools do loads of rehearsals. If she asks nicely, maybe grandma could watch one of those, especially if she helped backstage? I’ve known that happen.

It is so hard when people favour other children in the family and it is so obvious. I feel my sins are favoured over my daughter. Or more to the point, she is treated differently as MIL doesn't know how to deal with her.

I think your choice is let her do what she wants or tell them to come afterwards. I'm thinking about if your DD will be upset when grandma and grandad leave.

Please don't go through life constantly comparing. Honestly, I agree with above poster who says that as long as your DD and your MIL have a good relationship, then all is well. Please do not project your feelings onto your DD, she's young now but will pick up on it later.
Nativity plays are very special, and there are only a few before it's all over. The dates are also not set 6 months in advance. After all, they have not pulled out, they are going out of their way to make it work. It's not ideal, but not totally ruined either.
And as your DD gets older, she will form her own relationship with her Grandparents, depending on personality etc.

Don't keep score, no good can come of it, and relationships don't work like that anyway!

@NotOneOfTheInCrowd but it’s a choice isn’t it? She can choose to go to the Santa visit with one child, or she can cancel that and go to the other child’s nativity. She chose to cancel the activity already booked to prioritise her desire to be with the other child.

Most people would feel it’s been made worse by the fact something was already booked and agreed in the diary and she still chose the other child!

It’s a big deal for a grandparent to miss a nativity play? No it isn’t, it really isn’t. My grandparents never saw me, the grandparents of my children have never attended either.

Your MIL sounds like a pain in the bum and it’s time to stop making a massive effort.

I'd have to be honest. Say that it's incredibly poor form of them to leave a holiday they've agreed to attend for another engagement and that your DD will notice the obvious favouritism they show DGS one day.

Grandparents are going to do both.

Credit for what? Prioritising the favourite grandchild even though she had a prior commitment with her grand-daughter? She saw her grandson in his nativity last year and this year isn't available to attend as she had already agreed to go on this holiday and see her grand-daughter meet Santa for the first time, which she will now miss.

She should get no credit. Her behaviour is horrible.

I do want DD to have a good relationship with her GP’s, I had a great one with mine and it’s something I really cherished. I know I have to let this go, but I don’t want her thinking it hasn’t upset me at all, so I will be asking DH to at least have that conversation, as he would rather speak to her in person.

But as time goes on, if this continues to happen it will become obvious to DD and eventually I’ll have to explain why she’s choosing the other. I just hate the thought of her ever feeling second best.

Grandparents have favourites, parents have favourites - it is what it is.

I’m not implying it’s something that the MIL wouldn’t enjoy by saying she’s doing OP a favour by attending, it IS a favour to her, whether she enjoys it or not. In the same way that your wedding guests are doing you a favour by attending, you aren’t doing them one by inviting them. It’s OP’s weekend that she wants to have, and it’s her who wants MIL to attend, and she has chosen to pay for it. MIL isn’t somehow indebted to OP because OP has chosen to pay for this “treat”. It’s great if MIL enjoys the weekend, but ultimately it’s OP’s weekend. I think OP needs to bear that in mind as she seems to think she’s doing MIL a great favour by inviting her and paying.

Also you’re saying she could have said no. Well I can imagine how that would have gone down. 😂

It is not be done deliberately.
Your child has a good relationship.
Leave it at that.
Dont pass on your own anger onto your child.

Honestly make sure she knows you are hurt. Tell her she must do what she wants but you are hurt.

Don't brush it off

Can you spend Christmas with your family instead this year? I wouldn't want to have Christmas with MIL after this. Her behaviour is indefensible.

My sister was my grandmother's favourite, I always knew it but I loved her and spent time with her. My brother was my other grandparents favourite probably because they adored my father and he died when we were kids so my brother filled a gap. If you don't make a big deal of it your daughter might be like me and just accept she loves them and they love her and the league table doesn't matter.

I love going to a nativity, when my eldest GC was in the nativity there was only one spare ticket and the other grandmother got it. I was really upset. For me, and maybe your MIL, the nativity is much more significant than a visit to Father Christmas.

My in-laws have always treated my children differently from the other grandchildren, I’ve never mentioned it but it has meant we’ve spent less time with them, we’ve never showed them it bothers us as they would thrive on that. Because we’ve never mentioned anything about their favouritism only one of our teens has only just started to notice themselves without any input from us, as a consequence they choose not to spend time with them. My in laws actions annoyed me when my children were little but in the end I thought sod them, my children got the attention they needed from us and my family.

I’m in the, tell her not to bother coming camp.
you’ve paid for and arranged this trip she committed to coming to months ago. She’s now choosing her grandson over her granddaughter.
Nativity plays last about 30 minutes and it’s parents the kids need there watching them, not Granny, especially when Granny has already arranged to be somewhere else.

I’m not implying it’s something that the MIL wouldn’t enjoy by saying she’s doing OP a favour by attending, it IS a favour to her, whether she enjoys it or not. In the same way that your wedding guests are doing you a favour by attending

Is this what's known as transactional relationships? I would not think like this in a million years.
I attend a wedding - not as a favour- but because I am really delighted to see my friend/daughter/cousin so happy on her wedding day.

I would attend the Centre Parcs Santa thing because I would be bursting at seeing little DDs face with Santa (she could well burst into tears, who knows!)

Not everything is favours like that.

It sucks having the less favoured kids! My (late) MIL showed little to no interest in my DS’s. She had a great grandson whose birthday was the same day as DS1. She remembered GGS birthday every year and forgot DS’s even his 18th. As the boys grew up they sadly didn’t really bother with her. I do think you get out of a relationship what you put in.

This nails it - that is exactly the case. The correct response from MIL would have been to say no to the nativity because she will be away with OP and her DGC. She has basically just made it very clear which DGC she prioritises. Bloody awful.

There's no need to call me a 'shitebag'. Really not.

@walltowallkents yes, I did think that paying for her and FIL to come away with us and stay in a nice lodge and pay for their food etc was a treat (not really a favour?) and something they would enjoy - and something I asked if they would like prior to booking. She could’ve turned around and said no thank you, and we still would’ve gone. I just thought they would’ve also enjoyed it.

I think you MIL should stick to her first commitment. That is what we try to do as grandparents. When our children were growing up, my parents always put my brother’s children first. She even referred to my brother’s children as ‘my lot’ in front of my children! This is one of the reasons I am fairly LC with my elderly mother now.
I really do think your planned trip is far more important than a naivety play, especially as your MIL went last year. I would be saying something or asking if she can go by train so at least FIL can stay.