It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

It gets worse. Shitty behaviour on MIL's part, especially given holidaygate. Can you get a refund for ILs? If so, I'd be tempted to cancel them coming altogether.

I'd be sad and annoyed, OP! On the only full day too. And presumably your little one will be in bed pretty early still so she's not going to see much of them that day. It's not OK to bail on a previous commitment that is also a gift from you! If she hadn't know about it and agreed to it, that's one thing, but that's not what happened here.

So just when do you think the activities for the OP's DD are going to happen?

This thread is batshit.

There are often threads here advising parents not to let their DCs ditch a friend's birthday party when they get a better offer. This is the same.

NO NO NO. If OP acts on this unwise advice, the relationship is doomed.
MIL is stuck between a rock and a hard place and is doing her best to keep the peace.
Please give credit 4 this

A very true summary 😂

Completely disagree with people saying that MIL is trying her best - she went to the first nativity last year - its going to be the same chaos this year - pictures and videos should be fine (most schools still allow these as long as you don't post them on social media)

I'd be so tempted to go a bit passive aggressive about the whole thing - be very understanding of the difficult position they are in and accept their compromise with a smile, let them do their thing but make sure the first santa visit / other activities take place in the time they are away.

When they get back make a huge show of sharing the pictures and saying what a wonderful experience it was seeing DD get excited at meeting Santa for the first time. If you have a family group chat share the pictures on there too so she has something nice to look at on the 90 minute journey back up 😉

What's the plan for Christmas?

Unfair. MIL is doing her best to keep everyone happy

Can DH speak to his sister? Is nativity on another day too?

Why can't she say to her DD or DS with the other GC, no I can't come because I made a commitment 6 months ago to my son and family and my DGD and I will not cancel, that would be very unfair.

She isn't stuck between a rock and a hard place. She's happy enough to bail out of her DGDs christmas activity.

Childish, immature, trouble provoking response

No. ML is allowed to have a favourite.

But when she makes plans with one then ditches them for the other? She gets to hear about it. It doesn't have to be a slanging match. Just "oh you'll miss all the activities we all planned." and that is it. And no 3rd chance.

She hasn't "double booked". She had already committed but now wants to go to the nativity play at all costs. Ridiculous

Can't you do Santa and lunch the following day? Center Parcs breaks are 3 or 4 nights so there must be a bit of wiggle room, even if it's the day you are travelling back.
Why 6 hours though? 4 max unless they are going to do something else with SIL. Even then you'll have two evenings with them and most of the leaving day, I'm assuming there's no need to hurry back on the final day.

Saying that will END the relationship and likely make things worse and painfully awkward.

Ditto here. My mum clearly favourited my DBs second son. All the kids (including his brothers and sisters) knew this and they would just roll their eyes - it didn't cause any life long rifts between any of us. So it's not necessarily going to cause any of the kids to feel 'second best'.

they arrive on wednesday 11am? and leave on friday. so i imagine during those times.

I think MIL is trying to do everything and getting a bad rap rather than acting maliciously. I think arguing that DGD should be put "first" isn't fair! they're both young and doing christmas related things of course she wants to do both.

Taking it a personal slight against her grandchild is a bit unfair, if we can't give family the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming bad faith in their actions on first thought, whats the point?

@crumblingschools we do one year with in laws, one year with my family. This year is in laws.. hence why I’m trying to keep the peace if I can. I hate fall outs, I don’t want to argue but I also don’t want to brush over shoddy behaviour, which I genuinely think this is.

If she were away with SIL and we found out the nativity were on the same day I wouldn’t even ask and put them in that position, and my god I would NOT expect them to drive back in the middle of it to attend! I wouldn’t expect that of anyone.

Why would it end the relationship with her daughter?

I would be cross too.
Why is a nativity play so important?
It's just a bunch of children dressed in cut down sheets with tea cloths or tinsel halos on their heads doing something they have no clue about, mindlessly following frantic instructions from off stage.

Yeah this. Child is 3. There'll be many other opportunities but possibly no other Santa visits where granny is invited.

Nope. It just encourages MIL to blow off OP when ever she likes.

A firm "oh dear, you are missing all the fun we planned, lucky we can get a refund" and that is it.

Why rearrange stuff for someone who would blow them off like this?

Your use of the phrase 'quality time' is making me wonder if you are the unreasonable one.

What’s SIL and her husband like in all of this? Is MIL being driven by them?

I absolutely get where you’re coming from, OP, and think it is a rude and hurtful thing for your mother-in-law to do. Ultimately, she is choosing her grandson over your DD, and I think you have every right to be upset and cross about that. It sounds like you’ve done a great job in building bridges and working around/ignoring the favouritism but I think I would have to say something to her about this, and hopefully your DH will address it with her tomorrow. Hope you have a really lovely time away, and are able to enjoy it, despite your mil’s actions.