It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

AHH, I'm sorry this is hard. It may be true they favour the elder, but there is nothing you can do about it and they obviously want to see your DD so if you can, let it go. You can not control or coerce you ILs in to behaviour you want. But you can choose not to put yourself in positions of pain again. Don't expect them to want to come to centre parks/ other future activities. Then your not let down and the relationship is easier to manage plus less family intensity which is win win.

we had the activities planned for a while as we sat down as a group and booked them up.

MIL and FIL actually sat down with OP and their son to plan this trip so it is prioritisation vs double-booking.

It’s a nativity play. They are usually around the same week every year, I highly doubt that she somehow “forgot” considered how involved she is in her grandson’s life.

The most you can do is leave MIL to it because she is likely not going to change and keep your energy for the relationships of those who choose and want to be there for your DD.

This is perfect. Be so calm and reasonable that you make her feel bad!

I get missing a Nativity is a shame and she is perhaps trying to please everyone - but she has seen one before, is likely to see one next year too?.
I would respond to say that's unfortunate because it means they will miss then list the things you would have all been doing together, because whether double booked or just trying to please everyone, you are paying for this break as a thank you - for them to disappear for several hours is rude.

I have seen this happen in a friend's family. The GPs were happy to say they always favoured eldestc GC and made it very obvious. The result was that when the GM ended up widowed and infirm eldest GC was always popping round and helping but youngest GC rarely bothered the relationship just wasn't there.,

This mini-break is supposed to be a bridge-building opportunity after a terrible joint trip to Paris where the amount of favouritism for MIL's grandson and ignoring of OP's DD was too much even for OP's laid back DH.

The trip is only for 3 days, with one full day of activities as they are travelling there and back on the other two days. This trip was booked and paid for by OP after consultation with the grandparents. The activity for OP's DD to see Santa for the first time was also discussed with her MIL and FIL before OP booked and paid for it.

In a previous post, OP has said:

'we were going to arrive Tues - MIL looks after DGS on a Tuesday morning so meeting there in the afternoon, spending some time together, going for dinner and on the main day is the activities - meeting father christmas in the morning, lunch, then in the afternoon you gather round firepits, toast marshmallows, sing carols, father christmas comes in on his sleigh, there's elves, probably some fake snow chucked in there somewhere, magical - etc etc. Then wake up Thurs, breakfast, maybe a quick swim and back on the road. It was a short break - yes, but was just meant to be a few days with them that we rarely get. They will miss the morning and most of the afternoon, and tbh who knows if they will even be back for 4:30.'

MIL, having agreed to the trip and activities which OP has paid for, is now binning off the one full day with the Santa activity in favour of her grandson's nativity (which she also attended last year). She hasn't double booked, she isn't trying to be there for both her grandchildren, she is blatantly prioritising her grandson. As well as being unfair, it is stunningly rude and bad mannered to waste OP's money in this way.

6 hour round trip!

a 3 hour round trip

it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours.

Exactly. OP said:

'For those saying it's a couple of hours - she said they will be leaving 11am on the Weds, attending nativity at 12:30, staying for lunch and then travelling back and will aim to be back for 4:30pm, so it is almost the whole day.'

So they are not even rushing back after the nativity but staying for lunch and not setting off back until about 3.00 pm.

No idea how people are still defending this MIL. She’s already seen DGS in a nativity. She hasn’t seen DGD meet Father Christmas. Yet she is choosing DGS’s second over DGD’s first, despite already agreeing months in advance. How can anyone not see that is wrong. Her behaviour will be very damaging to OPs DD as soon as she is old enough to have an awareness. OP is right to say something and protect her daughter. MIL is a CF and showing undeniable outright outrageous favouritism.

Bailing out of the only full day she has with her DGD is not building bridges!

It's no compromise if you're not there for the activities that was planned with Granny. It's unforgiveable and betcha she wouldn't do the same to the DGS she seems besotted about as some sort of stand in mother.

The latest we have is MIL is “ unforgivable” and “an abomination”.

I mean.. really?

Play the long game and be the better person; it's not worth damaging the relationship you've built up. Put it aside, have a lovely time and move on, don't let it get to you.

I was being sarcastic about PP saying it's all perfectly normal and doesn't matter one jot about massive favouritism in a family.

From what OP has said I would assume the SIL would prefer it if GM wasn't at the play as it would mean quality time with her son without the competition for his affections. A GM is meant to be supportive and it must be annoying. GM should take a step back. Of course it's pathetic to rush back for a school nativity when he's got his parents there.

@Hoppinggreen I really hope my children call their grandparents out in time too! Let's face most of the time kids are just staring facts. If we try to talk about the obvious favourism even in a very calm way we get abusive messages from FIL and SIL all protecting the GM so it's not worth it.

so why does SiL not say anything?

i'd tell them not to bother - are you able to cancel their room?
or invite friends

I would assume the SIL would prefer it if GM wasn't at the play as it would mean quality time with her son without the competition for his affections

I mean.. really? Have you ever encountered such a thing in real life? How likely is that honestly.

I am referring to what the OP has said previously about the GS rejecting the SIL for the GM.

Yes but it sounds a bit exaggerated doesn’t it? I mean how many women do you know who are sincerely jealous of / threatened by their toddler’s attachment to/ affection for their own mother.