It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

Well, I can see why you’re annoyed- I would be too!- BUT it’s not worth getting into a big family drama about, and souring relationships. Life’s too short.
I’m not a grandparent yet,( I wish I was) but I think I would feel pulled in both directions. I do think mothers have a special affinity with their own daughter’s children.

massively egged on by mumsnetters who either have similar drama fuelled family interactions or bored and see it akin to an episode of Eastenders

And what of us that don't have daughters? Are we to be condemned to always being second best when grandchildren come along?
This trope really is tiresome.

Center parcs is either mon to fri or fri to mon. Assume you are mon to fri since nativities are usually weekdays. So I can’t see why you only have 1 full day there. Nativity’s are important and I think MIL is being fair by going to both. She’s not cancelling on you just trying to support all grandkids. You say DD loves her so cutting her out would be harmful for DD. She sounds like a very involved and supportive grandma. There may be lots of favoritism in other examples but it doesn’t come across in this one.

@Yourcatisnotsorry it’s not CP, but something similar. OP is limited by what days DH can have off work.

Center parcs is either mon to fri or fri to mon. Assume you are mon to fri since nativities are usually weekdays. So I can’t see why you only have 1 full day there

Dear oh dear. This has been explained endlessly again and again by the OP. It's not centre parcs, it's somewhere similar and she used that as an example..

@Yourcatisnotsorry if you read some of the ops PP then she stated it was like a centre parcs place and she was trying not to be too specific. No need to nitpick on those details to try and catch the OP out, therefore the grandma is missing the main day of activities despite this being booked 6 months ago.

Personally I think this is favouritism, if the shoe was the other way round I suspect the grandma wouldn't leave festive activities planned 6 months ago with the grandson to attend the granddaughters nursery nativity.

@Bounty9 I'd feel hurt in your shoes too. We have the exactly same scenario and have said once my children start to notice their cousins are favoured, we will be backing away. No dramas will see them at Xmas and any other important events we have too as a big group. We've tried to build separate relationships with all sets of the aunts and uncles and the grandparents which we will continue as those work fine, but in a group environment it is incredibly clear who is the favourite grandchildren. It's at the point that I don't trust the grandparents to look after the kids together as I know my children might be at risk despite the cousins all play nicely together.

We've had incidents where grandma let go of my my 3 year old hand and left them to walk in the road because she was too focussed on wanting to show the other grandchild something in the harbour (who was perfectly safe btw holding their parent hand and looking at the boats on the harbour). I was breastfeeding baby on a bench nearby and had quickly try and get DH attention to grab my child whilst trying to run across holding newborn at the same time as it was a busy environment (school summer hols in a busy harbour town). It was a very eye opening moment for me!

Are you joking?
A nativity play? It’s not a big thing really is it? Its 20 minutes top - if it was a graduation or an 18th or 21st birthday then maybe yes.
My dad never came to nativity plays for my two?
They are leaving a holiday for 20 minute play that the child won’t even remember!

Totally 💯 correct!!
I worked in schools and it really isn’t a big deal if GPs don’t go!

I don’t know, part of me thinks how do you double book something like that? It almost feels like favouritism raising its ugly head again and my suspicion is saying she didn’t even know about the nativity until after you arranged the holiday and is once again putting the other grandchild first because she’s only just found out about it.

This. I would tell her not to bother coming back. It’s the final nail after the obvious favouritism.

Using your logic, surely the grandson won't particularly notice or care if his grandmother doesn't attend his nativity so the pre-arranged and paid for activity (meeting Santa), should take priority?

Does this stem back to last year’s family row/disaster? I’m guessing MIL was on SIL’s side? Thick as thieves? Sadly I think this may be a mother/daughter dysfunctional relationship way more than anything to do with your DD. SIL is maybe crazy possessive and as my mother always said ‘A son is a son till he takes a wife and a daughter is a daughter all her life’. Pity she hasn’t transferred this gender preference to her GD 😟 I wonder what FIL had to say? All the toing and froing (do they both drive?) is some sacrifice, presumably to ‘keep the peace’. Ha! Like that’s worked. Compromise is supposed to be the moral high ground but in my experience it never works. Shouldn’t your SIL be talking them out of it? It’s ludicrous…all to see a child, (on a stressful whistle stop tour), with a cloth on his head (shepherd or king, same difference), and no care or clue if his doting gran is there or not.

Agree grandson won’t notice. I don’t think this is about the kids, I think it’s about grandma trying to fit both in- according to her she “double booked” herself.

I actually think that OP's daughter will notice as she will see her grandmother physicallly leaving their holiday to attend her cousin's nativity.

Unless the grandmother knew the date of the nativity and had agreed to go before the OP booked this holiday in the summer (unlikely), she hasn't 'double booked', although she is using this as an excuse. She is choosing to prioritise the grandson's nativity, even though he wouldn't notice if she was there or not.

I'm not sure why you and other posters are continuing with the fiction that this is MIL just 'doing her best' to be fair to both children. She is 'doing her best' to continue to favour her grandson over her grand-daughter, but you don't think that this will be damaging to the less favoured child. People with experience of this will disagree.

no she didn't. She accepted one invitation WELL AHEAD of knowing when the nativity was. She didn't say at the time "thank you for the invitation but it falls at the time when I might be going to something else so I can't accept" That would have been bad enough but FFS I keep saying this ITS RUDE TO SACK OFF AN ACCEPTED INVITATION FOR A LATER ONE yes I am shouting.

she will see her grandmother physicallly leaving their holiday to attend her cousin's nativity

She will see her grandmother physically leaving and then coming back. As people tend to do. No reason why this should bother her in the slightest.

I'm not sure why you and other posters are continuing with the fiction that this is MIL just 'doing her best' to be fair to both children

Because it is my opinion based on what OP has written that MIL is trying to accommodate both activities - Christmas trip with DGD and Christmas nativity with DGS, as from her perspective that is the fair/ right thing to do. It is possible for people to have different perspectives on the same situation. It happens very frequently (is the norm) in fact.

Except its generally agreed to be rude to sack off an accepted invitation for a later one. Its especially rude in this case as the first invitation has involved the inviter(s) in extra expense.

There is no double booking. There is prioritisation.

The message on this thread is that it is normal for one grandchild to take priority over others (even their own siblings).

Thank heavens my MIL didnt agree with such sentiments.

no she didn't. She accepted one invitation WELL AHEAD of knowing when the nativity was.

None of us know what the circumstances are . She may well have committed to the nativity not realising the clash. We haven't heard MIL's perspective.

In any case, I can see we are not going to agree, so there's no need for me to keep banging on :).

To be clear, I do understand why the OP is hurt. At the same time, I think she would be much better advised to try to put down her feelings of jealousy/ comparison with SIL's child and just focus on her DD's relationship with MIL (not worrying so much about MIL's relationship with DGS, which is entirely separate and does not need to be a threat/ compared).

I think this would be the response that will lead to positive things. The other path will lead to toxicity and strained relationships.

I can't believe that people are still defending this MIL. Of course you'd all accept your MIL's just buggering off from a break away that you'd paid for and a day of planned and paid for activities that she agreed to in order to go to a nativity because she favours the other grandchild. The woman is an abomination. Terrible behaviour.

The Op clearly did put aside the upset from last year. The invitation to the ILs to join them shows just that. It was a thoughtful effort to share experiences together. Hence the frustration now.

The kids figure it out eventually. DD tends to internalise things but DS is a gobshite (no idea where he gets if from) and actually said "why don't you want to spend time with us as well Nanny?" when he was around 7 or 8 I think
She blustered a lot and claimed she treated everyone the same etc etc and he replied "doesn't feel like it"
Made no difference but i did enjoy it.

I think it all boils down to you wanting your daughter to come first on this occasion seeing as grandson was priority before your daughter was born.
I personally think MIL thought she was coming up with a good compromise in this situation. If IL's are happy to do a 3 hr round trip to see grandsons nativity then enjoy their time away. Make the most of the time the evening before and when they come back from seeing the nativity. It does sound as though bridges are being built and if MIL is genuinely trying to be there for both her grandchildren.

She isn't, she just doesn't quite have the front to cancel on OP entirely.