It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

Sorry for this situation with your MIL OP but at least it’s your MIL rather than your own mother and at least she seems to be making an effort to try to keep both you and SIL happy (even though in doing this she is ruining your weekend away and running herself ragged in the process) and whilst I would be tempted to tell them not to bother coming if they insist on attending the nativity I wouldn’t but I would just make your arrangements and enjoy your weekend and let them crack on with trying to cut themselves in two.

In my birth family my DM is like this with my niece her PFB GC. She makes no secret of this fact and whether she has made firm arrangements with DN or DN says she might come round on one of several days in the week my DM would still knock us back (myself her own DD and her GC) or let us down or not commit for the chance of a maybe arrangement with DN. I can totally understand you being hurt on behalf of your DC and DH but in my experience whatever you say or do nothing will change so the sooner you accept the situation the happier you will be. DM has also said to me that the first born GC is always ‘the favourite’. DN’s needs wants thoughts feelings opinions achievements trump everyone else in the family as far as DM is concerned and she is in her early 20’s. I did hope DM would eventually see how unfair the situation was in terms of spending probably 20-30 hours a week with DN most weeks and zero hours with us when they were little. Now if DN is aware I have made plans to take my DM out she deliberately scuppers my plans. On one of my DC’s birthdays DM was coming round to visit so we held off the cake and changed our plans but DM ended being over 2 hours late as DN had called round.

Is this all driven by MIL being determined to play ‘mummy’? She HAS to be at DGS events because she’s more like a mother than a grandmother in her eyes and can’t allow anything to risk undermining her role?

OP just enjoy the downtime with your family. It’s a win really.

This thread has been on my mind all day probably because it's quite relatable and long term, I really hope your daughter understands her self worth. You sound like a lovely mum. I am sure that with your help your daughter will grow up to realise her grandma doesn't to center her first sometimes, not because your daughter is worthless, but because she is worth so much and grandma has trouble understanding that, and it's absolutely not a reflection of her, but of grandma's moral values.

I hope as she grows and thinks about grandma coming along she's able to say "whatever, her loss" if grandma flakes and shrug it off.

Absolutely this and your DH has the sensible attitude, OP. Santa visit and lunch is fun and lovely for your lo but there is something very special about seeing your own in a Nativity Play, and it's a very short-lived joy

I have a suggestion that you might want to throw into the conversation when you meet with MiL on Monday and that is to say that you're so delighted that she enjoys seeing her grandchild in the school Nativity plays and the lengths she goes to in order to make sure that happens that it sets a wonderful precedent and your daughter will be thrilled that her granny will be sitting front and centre at her nativity plays!

I'd be really fed up about this. She accepted an invitation for a significant event and she needs to show up. It's bad luck about the nativity play but these things happen. Infuriating!

He's a nursery toddler! There will be plenty of other nativities.

So, apparently it's not a problem for the grandparents to nip off (6 hour round trip!) but think of it this way- imagine someone paying a small fortune for a celebration meal. Granny discusses what she wants and when and it all gets arranged. She gets there orders a starter and then nips off for 6+ hours leaving everyone else having the meal without the guest of honour.

On Monday, OP, just say 'oh, by the way, as we've already paid for all the activities you're planning to miss, we've invited my parents/sister/friends/whatever to come in the trip instead, so you can spare yourself all that driving. There's really no point coming if you're not doing all the lovely activities '.

Does Xmas still come around every year? Did I miss the memo?

When she agreed to the break she probably didn’t know about the nativity so she wasn’t double booked. She has chosen to go and as others have said I am surprised there is anything more than 2 tickets.

You cant change her choice of grandchild priorities but you can say it is too disruptive for your child and she will be upset so I would disinvite them. Don’t need to say any more.

Haha- this is great! 👍🏻 maybe a few of these might at least give you a chuckle OP!

This ☠️

Is this all driven by MIL being determined to play ‘mummy’? She HAS to be at DGS events because she’s more like a mother than a grandmother in her eyes and can’t allow anything to risk undermining her role?

You've nailed it, I reckon.

She hasn't unintentionally double booked, she's agreed to the holiday and then the nativity date was released afterwards. She's decided she wants to go to the nativity in spite of already having plans.

It's the majority of the day and means they miss all the activities they booked together. Realistically she will leave a little early to allow for traffic and make it back late. For a small child that's the bulk of the day and pointless them even driving. She's not turning up for both she's leaving her grand daughter as she's missing the whole point of being there. And this trip was booked and paid for with her full consent and now she's decided to change her mind

You appear to be suffering from the same delusion as the mil- the grandson is not actually her own baby

Do you, though? In your place I would be telling her that it would be upsetting and unsettling for your daughter to have them arrive and then leave. So, it would be better if they sat this one out. Why are you still passively accepting them having the privilege of coming away with you if they are behaving like this?

If she tries the, "It couldn't be helped," argument, tell her what your husband really ought to have told her already that actually, it could. If it had been the other way around, she would not have blown off her grandson's holiday for your daughter's Nativity. I would state that in as many words. If she pushes back, remind her that this is exactly what she said she wasn't going to do before she had grandchildren. Someone needs to spell it out to her, and it obviously won't be her own family.

Ultimately, though, you have a husband problem. Your daughter is going to grow up to see that if she is unfairly treated, she has to accept it because her father would prefer to stay in his own comfort zone rather than modelling self assertiveness and learning how to speak up. This won't have a good effect on her future relationships with men. Your husband really needs to get some counselling and learn not to be a wet wipe when it comes to putting his own children first.

I mean... really? It doesn't do a little girl any harm to be rejected by her grandmother because she's too busy with the favoured grandson? (See OP's post about what had happened previously). A small child can rationalise things and think, 'Ah well, some extended family relationships are closer than others. No harm done!'? Give over.

Is it specifically a grandma/your MIL issue or is it SIL-driven - who is the perpetrator? It's usually jealousy that fuels these situations and the enabler daren't upset the applecart.

I'd be furious in your shoes but it's you, your DH and DD that are important here. What she should have done is turned the invitation to the nativity down. Somebody has an agenda.

Tell MIL "we booked and paid for your accommodation so you could spend the special day with DD. Since you've made alternative plans, we have cancelled the booking. See you in 2025."

The MIL sounds a bit obsessed to put it mildly. She will be the one missing out in the long run if she continues like this. The GC she doesnt bother with won't bother much with her when they are older. I feel sorry for the SIL.

They don’t need to rationalise it, because it just isn’t that important. I don’t think this sort of thing harms children- no. As long as the grandparents aren’t significant caregivers. It’s when caregivers play favourites that harm is done- because children depend on them.
As long as relationships with GPs are positive and loving (which OP says they are) that’s all that matters.
The competitiveness and comparisons about who the most favoured child is are the fixations of the adults imv. Like in this case re the nativity where the child won’t particularly notice let alone care.

This thread seems to one long lazy excuse for justifying favouritism amongst grandchildren.

It's written as 'well of course Mums are closer to their daughters' - the unwritten secondary element is 'So they will always prioritise their daughter's children.'

Thankfully my MIL always had the grace to look equally enchanted by all of her grandchildren. Privately she may well have had a favourite but I couldn't tell you which one it was. Fortunately I never had to give it any thought.

I don't think DILs expect to have a mother daughter relationship with their MIL. They might expect parity around their children however.

As for it not 'harming' children - I'm not convinced you can possibly judge from this distance. 15-20 years of being treated differently by a family member may have an impact, you simply can't tell at this juncture.
But I'd suggest that is quite a low bar to set for relationships.