It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

The things some folks are "furious" and "Upset" about!

me too and yes, I'd be riding that phrase TO DEATH.....I might even make things up to cancel so I could say it

Honestly if she raises this with you whilst away, I would have a calm and honest conversation about it. Of course you were hurt and disappointed, but that hurt is on behalf of your daughter. Surely if she put herself in your shoes she could understand that? You have come to recognise and accept that she has a closer relationship with her grandson, you never obviously want to come between that but it makes you feel sad for your daughter who adores her grandparents - especially at times like this when their actions make it very obvious. You realise that you can't change this and accept it - but there is obviously hurt and sadness. You will probably step back from arranging holiday's like this in the future - because as your daughter gets older she is going to start noticing and you will protect her from that.

I would honestly tell them not to bother coming and let it rock the boat.

Hi op,

I am on team, let’s continue bridging because she obviously care for both to do round trip. It will be very tiring for her to do that!

She didn’t cancel yours to do something else, she is nipping out and coming back asap 👌🏼

Good luck 🌺

Did you read about the Paris trip where both children were there? OP said:

'She carried DGS everywhere the whole time (even though SIL asked her to let him walk) and when my DD asked to hold her hand/be picked up she would say no, sorry, she was holding DGS. She didn’t play with her or try to interact with her, despite DD’s attempts. We asked if she wanted to come on some rides with us at Disney after she had been on some with DGS and she refused and stayed with SIL. Even SIL was pissed off at the end, because her son wanted nothing to do with her and was permanently attached to MIL. It all came to a head one evening when DD was trying to get her attention and she was ignoring her in favour of DGS'.

Such blatant favouritism is upsetting and damaging for OP's little girl. She sounds like a shit grandmother for OP's DD and she is trying to act like a surrogate mother for her grandson, which is pissing off her own daughter.

I don't know how to word it but if they haven't paid for centre parcs before they might think it's like the cost of a haven caravan park. Let them know how much their share of the holiday cost. They might have no idea but knowing that you paid 1.5k for the weekend and an extra 400 to get a 3 bed instead of a 2 bed might help them understand

Does SIL have a partner? As my mum always came to plays etc as had 2 tickets and only me. A lot of grandparents came along if dad was working or not involved etc.

It isn't center parcs

I’d be furious and tell them not to bother coming. Most schools only allow 2 tickets per child for safeguarding reasons anyway. She already had prearranged plans and you don’t flake out on stuff like this. She can see special one next year. My MIL has always favoured my nephews which are the same age as my youngest. They are twin boys, born to the most feckless of folk. For this reason, DH family fawn and fuss. Add to it that their behaviour is god awful due to inept parenting. Despite all this, my kids noticed over the years the lack of involvement from MIL and my eldest called her out on it. He’d spoken with me and his dad, DH didn’t want to upset his mum but my son decided to speak up. Zero sleepovers, no visits unless to drop round a complimentary bag of crap (junk food) round for them when she wasn’t busy with the other two. We found out that nephews were there for tea 3 times a week, had fortnightly sleep overs and taken on days out. My two get rock all. Unfortunately we have the pleasure of feeding her this Christmas because SIL hasn’t finished her kitchen after 18 months. It was a case of I’ll come to yours for my dinner then shoot off. We know exactly where she’ll be shooting off too. I don’t want her here and it’s caused all sorts of arguments. I think she’s a huge CF for even telling us what we are going to do. I’d rather not bother but it’s always a battle when it comes to mums and their sons. I’m just protecting my kids from what lies ahead. Feelings have already been hurt and they haven’t been hers.

I'd say, Enjoy the day with your grandson. I'll cancel or (I've cancelled) the day for you both. We can do it another time !.... and don't!!!!!

But this is all through the eyes of the OP, who’s made it clear she is jealous of MIL’s relationship with her nephew.
Seen through diffwrent eyes the situation could be interpreted very differently. For example and when my DD asked to hold her hand/be picked up she would say no, sorry, she was holding DGS.
I often have to say no to holding the hand/ picking up one of my DDs because I’m already holding their younger sibling (it’s not usually possible to hold both at once!)

(And as for the last bit about DGS wanting “nothing to do” with his mother and that annoying SIL- doesn’t make any sense at all tbh. As a mother I love it when my DC are all over my dad and give me some peace 😅. sounds like SiL likes her mother being involved hence inviting her to nativity.)

OP says her DP doesn’t see things the same way and also says that her DD adores GM and they have a lovely relationship- hence OP arranging this holiday! I don’t think it sounds like DGD is being harmed here, just that there are some very typical jealousy issues between the adults over whose kids are favoured the most. That is understandable. It’s natural to be protective over our children. But it doesn’t lead anywhere good and feeding the comparison/ competition just leads to conflict and toxicity.

God d9nt let it bother you, your still away arnt you so enjoy your time away at least she is coming even if she's going to miss half of it some grand parents are just totally dedicated she's probably thinking you'd hate her if she never came so there's quite a side to both sides if that makes any sense it wouldn't bother me tbf and she making the effort both ways every single family on the planet has a favourite whether it's noticeable or not so you can't scorn them really I think you he best to not think to much I to it and enjoy your lil gathering 😊

I agree, been there myself with school plays at different schools but same night

They probably think they are just fitting everyone in. But on a planned and payed for thing it might have been more respectful to graciously attend. Your dh might have the right idea, to just keep the peace for your daughter. I hope you have a brilliant time in any case, what a lovely thing to do for someone.

Hi, I’m a mum in law also and I try my hardest to see things from my daughter-in-law side because I am a daughter-in-law also. But sincerely I always try and say to people whatever you can’t calm the situation down whatever the situation is please just do it because you know life is too short. Nobody promised tomorrow. If you can calm down and find a way to calm the waters, I would absolutely champion that because life is just too short that’s how I feel when I know sometimes we people shouldn’t do this and people shouldn’t do that, but you know there is a true saying it’s not the problem is how we react to it. But I do get it. I’m a mum in law and as I said I have a mum in law is very elderly now. My older self would just tell my younger self now. Let it ride try and explain in a calm way how things do make you feel if it really is something that you need to express.
there was favouritism too, but do you know something? That’s their problem it hurts but it’s their problem and I always believe that if people behave let’s say inappropriately and really they’re hurting themselves more than anybody. I believe anyway it’s not a perfect life and there are no perfect answers just on my life experience, don’t let people get to you. There’s enough I grow in this life as it is take care.

were you never taught, did you never teach that its rude to sack off an accepted invitation for a later offer? Its plain rude.

MIL made the commitment with you she should stick to that commitment on not mess you, l think it's unreasonable to miss half of it

I personally don't think I'd have a problem with MIL going and coming back.
Just get on with ur holiday and let her do what she wants. Nobody wants to be controlled.

I’m not surprised you’re disappointed. I’d let it go but don’t put yourself out for her again.

It’s 4 tickets per child at my son’s school but over 2 days so it’s possible there is an alternative day that maybe doesn’t suit the kids parents.

iI’d be pissed though. I don’t think I would make that much effort with them if it was me. I guess the only plus is that they haven’t cancelled completely.

I feel your pain. My MIL hugely favours her DD over her DS, my husband. Apparently though we all get treated equally. We know it's lies. She's always buying things for my SIL and her kids be it house items or branded toiletries. DH doesn't get the equivalent by a long stretch even though he does way more for them. Story as old as time I guess.

Your MIL is out of order. Committing to you well in advance she just have just said she couldn't make the nativity.

Been here many times over the years OP but with my own Mum - whose blatant favouritism of my sister's children has destroyed any chance of her having a relationship with mine...or my other niblings.
My sister's children are now adults with their own lives, and my mum a lonely old woman whose other 8 grandchildren (all still children primary/high school age) don't even know who she is.
Once I came to terms with it after several years it became much easier to deal with. My kids have no idea what they missed out on - because I would never let them see they'd always be playing second fiddle to their 3 oldest cousins 😔

I would cancel them off the trip and go without them, and then pull right back. I would be so upset if anyone did this to me. There are some things that are probably excusable, but this is definitely not one of them

It’s interesting that MIL is ignoring SIL’s baby in favour of DGS. I wonder how long that will continue before SIL calls her out on it.