It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

@Bounty9 please remember to come back and update us after you have seen her on monday! if it was me, I would not be seeing her at all, ever!! she has made her choice. wonder what would happen if both grandchildren were to have their nativities at the same time at different venues??? we all know the answer to that one!

Haha I will be back on Monday I promise! DH won’t be with me, I’m flying solo and I will not be contained 😂

Booking my place for Monday!! 🍿

Best of luck @Bounty9

You could get a little bell and whenever she starts going on and on about GS instead of being present with you all, ring it and tell her Be Here Now Lois.

Kind of kidding, kind of not. Ring dingaling.

I grew up with a dynamic like this, favoritism to one golden grand child. It's not healthy for the family, it's very damaging to be taught to care for a grandparent yet be rejected for another gc over and over. Your MIL is parenting over her own daughter to the point where the child is going to her instead of his own mom. She is breaking the maternal child bond to insert herself and that's toxic. I'd back away a mile if I were you and see her very very little.

Sits down next to LookItsMeAgain 🍿🥤

even knowing that his wife is unhappy?

I honestly couldn’t bare a man who wouldn’t stand up to his mum because “he doesn’t like confrontation 🥺” ….not to he rude but has he been castrated? What sort of response is that from an adult man. & he is happy for you to be upset, but not his mum?

I am also struggling with you insisting MIL “isn’t a bad person” when she is so clearly playing favourites and probably damaging your DD’s self esteem. Perhaps all of the help she gave you prior has given you some form of stockholm syndrome, but she is NOT a nice person.

DH says he doesn’t see it as much as I do and isn’t upset by it. When there was the fall out last year and I was genuinely upset (as was he), he did stand up and speak to her and put boundaries in place - since then we’ve not really spoken about it until now and he did speak to her this morning. But not in the way I probably would’ve, hence I’m going to speak to her Monday.

DH says he doesn’t see it as much as I do and isn’t upset by it

key.

Third sheep, lol! 🤣 Is that a thing??

“Not to be rude but has he been castrated?” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

me neither

i wonder how happy the op is about going on holiday alone with him?!

It's a great shame so many wet wipe DH's leave it to their wives to express any discontent where their mothers are concerned. It's no wonder MIL/DIL relationships are so fraught.

Whether or not he sees it is irrelevant

You, his wife, the mother of his child sees that it and tells him.

That should be enough

what boundaries were put in place?

how local do you / SIL / Mil all live from one another?

And he does see it anyway.

exactly

the op has bigger fish to fry than her mil

Completely with you OP. Favouritism should be nipped in the bud. I grew up with grandparents that very obviously favoured my cousins and it gave me serious self esteem issues. DF never confronted them about it, despite DM urging him to. Now I have my own daughter I wish he had aid something too. Now DGPs are in their old age and I have very conflicting emotions of guilt over whether to visit them and make amends. But then I was just a child, it was their choice to make no effort and therefore end up estranged from me as an adult. When they eventually die I think I will feel regret on not going to see them but at this point it’s just so awkward and I don’t want to upset anyone so it’s best to accept the sad situation.

My DM adores my daughter but favours DSis over me. I’m bracing myself for any favouritism when DSis has kids. Whether it’s DD or my niece/nephew that gets favoured, I will be speaking up. No child should ever be made to feel second best. Even as young as 6 I knew DGPs loved my cousins more than me and that just became more painful as I grew. You are a brilliant Mum advocating for your daughter.

If you do allow her to still dip in and out of the trip, do make sure she doesn’t just prattle on about DGS nativity as other posters have said. That’s something your DD will
pick up on sooner than you think.

I would not invite her anymore.
My MIL adored my son, until her daughter had a son. She told us straight that her daughter needed her more. She abruptly stopped her once a week visit .
I felt so sorry for my son.
Now she’s elderly, she loves spending time with my caring, polite and very attentive teenage son.
Her other grandson is none of the above.
I made a decision not to discourage my son from visiting her, even though I will never forget how she behaved. It has totally altered my feelings towards her. I have minimal contact with her.

@Bounty9 are you selling tickets to the show?? 😂😂😂

The fact that this is a nursery nativity makes it all the more galling. The child won't even remember his participation. As someone said, it's not a West End show.

She's willing to miss 80 percent of your daughter's day and spend hours on the road for a few minutes gazing at toddler grandson.

No. Not acceptable. Rude no matter what the excuse, to drop out of a long-planned activity in favour of someone else.

I hope you are able to disengage and disinvite her, and just enjoy a break with your child and husband.

I think, if this were me, the phrase "Sorry, it can't be helped" would soon become notorious. Every time I cancelled when not really needing to, every time I refused to do something I could probably have done.

It can't be helped. So sorry 😇

I am petty AF though 😂

I totally understand why you are upset about this. I also don't understand the comments about nativity plays being special and difficult to miss? The parents will still be going. It is not a graduation or wedding.

I would be tempted to just not reply at all and let her sit with it. Leave her on read. Go to Centreparcs and just let them do their own thing.

OP, you said his opinion is that he’s disappointed and feels let down, but refuses to let it put a downer on something we’ve spent a fair amount of money on, he says our enjoyment of it does not correlate with GP’s being there,

He had spoken to them, to the extent that he is prepared to challenge them. If you now go in and up the ante you will inevitably be putting a downer on the holiday. Because if you gnash and accuse and protest and she comes under protest you will all know it was under protest and her presence will be meaningless.

Only have you say if you are prepared for the result that they don’t come at all and the relationship is done for.

You know now that she will not / cannot drop her insistence in bring embroiled in her DGS’s life, and lesson learned you won’t invite them away again.

No point in wrecking the holiday further with tension and an upset DH, it’s his Mum, after all.

Oh I know @ClicketyClickPlusOne and I wouldn’t do anything to damage that - but I will let her know I’m not just going to let this one be brushed under the carpet like the others. She will inevitably speak to me about it, but I’m not going to cause unnecessary arguments as we do still have to go away.