It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

That must really grate that she thinks it can't be helped, because obviously it can be helped and she has made an active choice to disrespect her commitment to you and your child.

However, having read your updates she really is quite unhinged about this first grandson of hers and her inappropriate behaviour. Your SIL must find it all rather trying as well even though she is her daughter.

You're being very pragmatic about it all which is good of you. She will be the loser with all of this in the long run. She constantly shows you her true colours and you can only go forward making your own plans that don't involve her in things like this break in the future.

She said “it can’t be helped.” That would really annoy me. Yes it can be helped by her choosing to honour the original plans she made. Plus the boys parents can go to the nativity, and she went last year.

I think I keep coming back and giving her the benefit of the doubt because we had such a lovely relationship for almost 9 years. She supported me through some really difficult times and was practically a second mum to me. Myself, SIL and MIL were all really close and spent a lot of time together. Unfortunately having children has completely changed this dynamic and I have to try and come to terms with the fact we won’t ever get back there, especially now.

If she is that close to her grandson it is quite likely that he is expecting, and looking forward to them being there to watch and she doesn’t want to disappoint him, that is probably why she is sticking to her plan.

There is no doubt to give her the benefit of.

Please don't let her spoil your break with this ridiculous plan.

But she can disappoint her Grand daughter instead?

I get you OP
MIL was great, so helpful with DD and showed me how to be a great Mum BUT as soon as SIL had her child it was like a switch was flicked and DD was shunted aside. I had DS around the same time and I was expected to help SIL as well as we lived closer at that point than MIL. Then SIL got pg again very quickly and DD and DS were even less interesting to her, especially once they moved into a house MIL owned on the same street.
MIL likes people to need her, she's got a hero complex and my self sufficiency seems like an insult to her.

Same and I wouldn't ask after the nativity when she returns.
As for the posters saying mothers are naturally more close to their daughters children, the OP has done all she can to have a balance between parents and in laws. I dint have daughters so I sincerely hope that my DILs will be as thoughtful as you are when I become a GP

"She said she feels bad - she understands why we're upset but essentially it can't be helped." - It's a shame your DH didn't challenge her and say 'but it can be helped mum can't it; by you honouring your agreement to come on the break that we've paid for'.

Why are you seeing her on Monday? Surely you have had a 'better offer' by now OP and it's far more important that you do your 'better offer' than to see her? 😉🤔

She said she feels bad - she understands why we're upset but essentially it can't be helped.

"Can't be helped" tells you everything you need to know. She puts her wants first and always will. She had a golden chance to change her ways after the holiday, esp given your update on her own experience with her mother. She could change. She just doesn't want to. This would make me leave her to it.

This.

She sounds like she's trying her best for both her grandkids. A nativity is a big thing to miss. Cut her some slack.

I wish my dc had a grandmother that cared enough to drive backwards n forwards like this.

I agree with this. Let her have a taste of her own medicine. There's no way I'd let her off lightly with this - just like with children she needs to understand there are consequences for poor behaviour. She'd love you to brush it under the carpet so she can continue with her selfish, batshit behaviour and think everyone is OK with it.
You're a much nicer person than me @Bounty9 I'd be raging.

So she can still keep claiming that she "treats all her Grandchildren the same" when everyone knows its not true?

It can be helped.

When you see her, don't placate her.

Personally I'd disinvite them. Otherwise you'll be revolving the entire break around their schedule.

And I'd say "Please yourself, MIL, but this won't soon be forgotten."

yup....because of course it can't be helped.

Are you sure something with a friend hasn’t come up for Monday? Sorry mil, it’s unfortunate but can’t be helped. I know there’s no way I could hide my feelings so I’d have to hugely step back and be brutally honest. ‘Dds dance show is next weekend we are so looking forward to it!’ ‘Oh I’d like to go!’ ‘Oh sorry mil we’ve bought the tickets. We thought about asking you but places are limited, you never know what might come up with dnephew so thought better leave it.’

well this needn't happen. they can just do what they had planned to do and if the in laws can't join in....well it can't be helped.

She attended DGS' nativity last year – and it's a nursery, so will barely last 15 mins if experience is anything to go by. This year she had committed to going away with DGD. If she was doing her best for both grandkids, she'd stick to the trip this time and do another treat with DGS at another time.

This is what I'd do.

She sounds like a very toxic woman. You said she was nice to you in the past. I suspect that was all about her and not about you. Why is everyone so scared to tell her how they feel? The controlling thing with the other grandchild is weird too. Does she always get her own way? What happens if she doesn’t? Why is everyone so scared to tell her what they think? I’d use this as an opportunity to cut contact to a minimum if I were you. There is no way I’d let her treat my family like this. (Hope that didn’t sound harsh, you sound very nice by the way and know it’s easier said than done but I’m actually furious on your behalf!)

Your expectations are NOT too high, and take no notice of posts that are empathetic towards MIL, they clearly have no idea how to place themselves in your shoes. I would be hurt too in your position. MIL is blatantly favouring DGS and has no thought for the impact this has on you or your DH and your DD, how dare she throw kindness in your face after you have paid for them to spend time with you all as a family. What a kick in the guts. Frankly I wouldn’t want her in my life.
I do empathise, my MIL had no time for our children, she barely had a conversation with them, then years later when they were all grown up and FIL passed away she decided she needed us… too late, the damage was done.

Yes, I’d do that too!

Some weird replies here!

They will both be gone for six hours on the only actual day of the holiday. It's bonkers. I'd just tell them not to bother coming as it's just silly.

They don't need to be present at every event for their first grandchild. It's okay for them to miss out occasionally because they are doing something with their other grandchild. But this way second grandchild misses out so first grandchild doesn't have to.

They'd accepted an invitation, all they need to do is say sorry they can't make it this year but look forward to seeing a pic or whatever and spend the time with their other grandchild.

Sorry, OP, it sounds tough to deal with. Favourites are awful.

And come on, it's a nursery nativity, he's not starring in a West End show. They'll all stand there forgetting what they're doing, sing an off-key song and that's it. Lovely for parents, but not exactly a must-do for anyone else. Our nursery has done a few shows and grandparents only come if parents are unable anyway.

Your mother in law needs a reality check. Tell she has not double booked, she accepted an invitation to come away with DGD - and that to renege now would be sending the wrong message to BOTH her GC (in terms of the right thing to do - don’t bring in the favouritism element). Explain that with multiple GC (maybe more in the future) she may be faced with this type of situation again so setting a fair precedent now will be good. Let her know how important it is to you and your family to have special time with GP - which was why you planned this with them. Tell her that you understand she may feel torn and she is of course free to choose any invites she wants - but, before she makes a final decision, you wanted her to be clear about how this decision could impact how she deals with future conflicting requests.

NB: she should perhaps think of a clear plan e.g accepted invite obvious, GC ‘firsts’ priority and emergency trumps. She’s very lucky to be so loved and in demand