It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

@cleanasawhistle that's appalling. Your poor dcs.

So I've heard back from DH. Apparently the first thing she asked was - was I upset as I seemed it in my messages.. he said we are both upset and disappointed she will be missing out on activities we had planned as a group and we were looking forward to her involvement in. She said she feels bad - she understands why we're upset but essentially it can't be helped.

Honestly, I'd rather that than her cancel and be sat there wishing she was somewhere else. Yes, it does hurt but I think this has just cemented where we stand. At least now we know for the future and it's become apparent early on. We certainly won't be inviting them away again, but will make the most of our break regardless!

On a brighter note, DD woke up to snow this morning and was bouncing off the walls excited. This time of year is so much more special with a little one to share it with.

she understands why we're upset but essentially it can't be helped

It totally can be helped. She doesn't have to go to the Nativity of a 3yo when she went last year.

OP you sound sensible and philosophical about it all and I am sure you will have a great time with your little DD. The GPs are bonkers doing a 3 hour round trip for this

Well now you know and you know early in your child's life. I hope you have a lovely 3 day break and I bet you enjoy the bits that are just the three of you the most!

@Bounty9 Has your DH told his DM that actually it can be helped, and therein lies the upset because it’s a choice that she has made? It’s not a jury summons, it’s a nativity play so she doesn’t HAVE to go but she’s chosen to sack off the plans made with your DC to do something with the other.

@TVwontwork no, he wouldn’t say that because I know him, absolutely hates confrontation even when they are clearly wrong. However, I will be seeing MIL on Monday and I’m not sure I’ll be able to put on such a happy front!

Is she the type to cry and claim she might not have many Christmases left despite being very healthy?

So is she still driving to see you? I agree with others now you know where you are I'd focus on making amazing memories with your daughter. Ultimately it will be mil who misses out on watching her grow up. It will be sad to see as you dd gets older and isn't really interested in her gps.

@Hoppinggreen She cried when SIL had her first because she knew she would have to share them at Christmas. This was before the baby was even born.. It was actually MIL's sister that metaphorically slapped some sense into her as it happened in a group setting and was v. awkward.

Wow she's starting to sound unwell? Has she had any counselling regarding her own dm?

No, @LushLemonTart but I think she would probably benefit from it!

ok its official, she has problems.

@Bounty9 she definitely would.

Since there is a history there, of course it's favouritism. Can't be that good grandparents if they're favouring one grandchild over the other. Pil should be bloody happy you are still inviting them away after open and blatant favouritism.

I would tell her on Monday she doesn't need to bother coming, because the clash IS avoidable – it's just her choosing to prioritise DGS. You also know that if she does come, she'll just bang on about him and the nativity the entire time and be too distracted to give your DD the attention she deserves for a change. I wouldn't soft-soap it either – I'd be as blunt as hell.

My Mil has been threatening to die for around 10 years now (including at MY Mothers funeral) but theres no sign of it.
Obviously I don't actually wish her dead (honest) by the emotional blackmail is wearing, especially since she knows it doesn't work on me so she targets DH and The DC.
I hope you manage to have a nice break anyway OP and I might just arrange to be off somewhere on site having fun with my phone off when they are due back.

I think that’s really unhealthy and incredibly selfish of your MIL. She’s had her babies. A strong, loving relationship of course, but this sounds creepy.

Also, has anyone pointed out to her that she's repeating history with how her mother treated her grandchildren?

OP, I really admire how you've tried to foster a good relationship between DD and MIL. I think grandparents and the wider family circle in general can have such a hugely positive role in a child's upbringing.

That said, if DD is blatantly being passed over then I can see the whole thing becoming toxic for her instead.

Have you considered focusing your energies on SIL? Try to see her often (without MIL!) and encourage a close relationship between all the cousins?

As to the trip, I would be tempted to dis-invite MIL and either get my money back or give the tickets to friends. Polite visits over lunch or just a quick coffee might be the way to go in future.

100% this.

It can't be helped...remember that phrase. Exactly as she has said it to you because you just know it will come in very handy when she asks you to do something. "Oh...sorry MiL, it can't be helped."

It most certainly can be helped.

Anyway - at least the one thing that has come out of this situation is that your DH can now see how his own mother is playing favourites with her children and subsequent grandchildren so the gloves (so to speak) are off for anything that might happen in the future.

Would Pa In law go with you and leave MIL to her own plans? He sounds much more reasonable about everything.

When you see her on Monday, I'd make it crystal clear that when she is with you and her son and your child, she is not to talk about the nativity or anything at all to do with SiL or their child or their family because that means that she isn't 100% present with you and enjoying the trip that you (and your DH) paid for for them. Not a word. Any forms of comparison between the grandchildren - off the table. Complaints about feeling tired due to the amount of driving - off the table, anything at all that could be connected to their decision to try to appease both sets of parents - off the table.

She and FiL are there to spend time with you and take part in the events for your daughter and I'd make it very clear that if she feels that she can't do that, then you don't want her there any more. FiL is welcome to stay, but her, not so much.

It absolutely can be helped! MIL has accepted an expensive gift and is choosing to let you down because she has a better offer (in her opinion). Rude, entitled and appalling behaviour. If you accept an invitation you are committed, regardless of receiving a "better" offer.

I agree there is no point them going and wanting to be elsewhere, on that basis I honestly believe they shouldn't come at all.

Can you cancel their part of the trip and get a refund / invite others. It may be mid week but people often have holiday to use up at this time of year, you may be pleasantly surprised. It may also be possible to amend the booking to 3 - certainly worth enquiring.

Even if you can't get a refund / amend the booking / replace them, the trip will be far better if they don't come. The only whole day you have will be disrupted by their leaving / returning and then invariably telling you all about the nativity 🤦‍♀️

Don't put yourself in that position, enjoy the break as a family and DONT ever invite them again.

When they do leave to make the 1.5 hour journey to see DGS in his nativity, I honestly would barely look up from what I was doing. I would not make it easy with 'safe journey, see you at 5pm' or whatever.

posted without reading all your updates OP, so I've deleted my post.