It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

Ah sorry. But I suspect it will have long been organised, even so. DD's nativity was in the function room of local sports club to allow space for parents.

How is your relationship with your husband OP?

Also OP’s DD won’t even know or care if grandma goes off for a few hours. She’ll still love meeting Santa. This is about OP.

What an utterly shit granny she is your daughter for constantly rejecting her - and to her grandson for effectively stealing him from her own daughter. I’d have to have a bottle of wine with SIL and find out what she thinks about her own mother destroying her relationship with her son.

Have more than a word with her - tell her that her behaviour to her lovely little granddaughter is disgraceful. If she’s upset, well the truth hurts.

If three year olds don't care if DGM is there to visit Father Christmas they they don't care if they are present at their second nativity either.

However you spin it its incredibly rude to accept an expensive gift, all arranged with you for your enjoyment and then sod off for the core part. The OP and DH probably have better things to do with their money.

Have you really read all the OP posts including the posts about the DGM weird behaviour which causes the SiL concerns as well? It is not normal and its not healthy. Its not about being "competitive" its about wanting a healthy environment for children - golden child behaviours are rarely healthy for the children.

Ahhh, I feel sorry for the grandma. He is so obviously trying to keep everyone happy. She must feel caught between a rock and a hard place. To be honest I'd let her come and let this one go. Is it really worth another fallout? Grandmothers are by nature closer to their own daughter's children and vast majority of the time. I'd be thankful that she is really trying to have a relationship with you and dd.

I hope your DH references that when he’s speaking to her today about the plans.

You’ve paid for them to join you, right? Can you get some of that money back at all?

Because you agreed to do ONE of those things and had it in your diary for months. Just because something new has popped up, you should say “Sorry DD, I can’t make DGS’s nativity this year as I’ll be away with DS,DiL and DGD instead. That’s a pity, please can you take loads of photos of the show for me so I can see DGS later?”

Well he’s gone to see his mum this morning, so we will see what comes of the conversation. I’ve accepted this is happening but I am still hurt about it, whether that’s right or wrong or my own issue. I’m surprised there are so many comments saying she’s trying to do both, or she’s stuck in a difficult position.. I’m not sure she really is. I just thought it’s common courtesy when you agree to go away with someone to actually be present on that trip. Maybe I was expecting too much of them in the first place.

The more you write about her relationship with your nephew, the more I think you can be very glad that she isn't so involved with your daughter.

@Bounty9 - the situation you find yourself in is pretty shitty to be honest. None of it is actually your doing. I’d make myself less available to these grandparents and when they ask point out the numbers of times you were available and then they changed plans at the last minute. Hold up a mirror to their behaviour.

I know you said you wanted your kids to have a relationship with them but I’d rather have a relationship with people who also want a relationship with them rather than someone who doesn’t and drops them when another offer pops in!

It's honestly like being asked to friends for a meal. As pre-dinner drinks are being served say you have been asked to someone else's house too and you are just going to pop there now, but you'll be back for dessert or coffee. Rude. And obvious to the hosts that you'd prefer to be at the other house for a few hours. I presume some on this thread would think that's OK!

Why on earth do people think it's OK for the Granny to sod off for 6 hours on the one full day that is being spent with Christmas activities agreed in advance between her and the family?

It's not about being torn, trying to please everyone blah blah. She has seen one nativity, the DGS is 3, there's no need to see another one and in doing so letting down her other grandchild.

@MyOpalViewer I think you’re on the wrong thread, or I am confused 🤣

so sorry

YANBU @Bounty9 . I'd be hurt and have to say something, too.

Either way, I think it will spoil things when they're there now anyway, even if they no longer go to the nativity. The damage has been done, so to speak.

I'd be tempted to tell them not to bother at all and go alone or take some friends, but I understand why you don't want to rock the boat too much for your DD's sake.

My kids say this about my in laws, not because of favouritism but because they don't do anything with them or talk to them when we visit, and they don't want to go (unsurprisingly).

I would definitely have a come to Jesus chat with them about it

And your DD will definitely be noticing. My grandma (dad's mum) favoured my brother and male cousins (one of whom wasn't actually a blood relation) over me because she was sexist. I had a very poor relationship with her and was very aware she considered me second best. I wish my mum had said something to her.

I think people who are trying to justify your MIL's behaviour don't understand how crappy it is to see your wonderful DC always come second to someone elses kids.

I would also be fuming OP. She should have told your SIL that she already had plans that day so couldn’t make the nativity this year. What is she hanging around for lunch after it for also?! Last time I’d be including her in any family events.

Sadly know this situation all too well myself. Whenever we had plans with grandparents- they were always cancellable if a better offer from cousins arose. Never the other way round though, if they were already busy with them we wouldn’t get a look in. Not surprisingly as adults we don’t bother with them now!

Hope your DH comes back with some good news @Bounty9. Feel for your DD and your SIL's youngest, it will be more noticeable to him.
Imo GM isn't trying to please everyone at all. She should never have chosen to go to nativity over time away with DGD. Your SIL might have been relieved for her to say no to the nativity, give her the chance to be the only one there for her son. Can't see that relationship going well when the little one grows up a bit either.

My mother favours the oldest GD, none of the other GC even speak to her now.

@Bounty9 you're totally justified. It's shocking behaviour and so rude as you know fine well she already knew about the nativity. It's like she gets a kick out of it? Her own dm has probably twisted her?

My DD9 is the second class GC to my ILs as they favour their DD’s 4 older kids massively so. My DD is now old enough to see this and it’s kind of heartbreaking.
We incorrectly assumed DGM would attempt to be overwhelmingly involved, but it was in fact the complete opposite.
Fortunately my DH and I noticed this early on when DD was younger so were able to withdraw a lot and we are now very LC with ILs
We speak with ILs monthly and visit annually and they just constantly bring all conversations back to the other DGC and our DD now notices this and doesn’t really like her DGPs anymore sadly, and unfortunately also seems to resent her cousins somewhat as well.
I’m pleased that we made the decision early on to dial the relationship back and our expectations of them are now as close to zero as they can be, but I’ll admit I’m still disappointed that they don’t recognise and correct their behaviour at all. I guess they’ll never change.

Unfortunately there is no "good news" in this scenario.
Either MIL will agree to stay for the whole break but OP will know she didn't actually want to or she will still go to The Nativity even after its been pointed out that this is shitty behaviour and it will clear that what her son's family think is irrelevant because they are being unreasonable - note that this will be entirely OP's fault rather than her H's
Of course she might offer a genuine and abject apology and never behave like that again but its very very unlikely.

Yes its ironic that MIL fell out with her own mother due to similar behaviour.
I think your OH needs to remind his mother of this and say how disappointed you are in her actions and the day your daughter can see it you will be limiting contact.

We had the same with MIL and SIL kids.
My OH would never speak to her about it.
We visited one day and it was the usual seeing stuff pilled up on the chair and her showing us all the gifts she had bought for the girls...my boys never got anything.
I left that day and said to my husband me and the boys would never be going back unless he had a word...we never went back.