It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

Yes sil must be seriously unhappy with her.

No she didn't double book, schools don't release nativity dates so far in advance, she would've just found out the dates now and seen it clashes on the same day she'll be away. Most nursery/schools have 2 tickets per child, as they can't fit so many ppl in.

Honestly a nativity play is 30 mins and seriously not that big of a deal at such a young age, they get like one or two lines that's if he has the main character roles and then it's just singing. Surely she can watch the recording and doesn't need to be there in person, both grandparents can't attend anyway if the mum is attending too. Even they'll see what a pointless drive for 30 mins show, depending on where they are seated their view may not be great either.
Our school usually has 2 dates for the play, to make it easier for parents to attend, can she check if they also have 2 dates?

So you would cancel pre-arranged plans with another grandchild to attend your grandson's nativity?

OP's MIL is both bad mannered and unkind.

As OP has said that as her SIL is upset that her son seems to prefer her mum to her, it is unlikely that she is putting pressure on her mum to attend the Nativity.

Her behaviour in Paris was terrible and she was lucky you forgave her. The fact that she is insisting on attending her grandson's nativity rather than honouring her pre-arranged plans with her grand-daughter is unforgivable. She has learned nothing and I would definitely pull back from her. Your daughter will soon start noticing her favouritism more and it will damage her self esteem.

As a grandparent there is absolutely no way I would back out of a commitment already made to one child to accommodate another regardless of relationships. It’s a primary school nativity play FFS, the school will probably video it anyway to stop parents standing in the isles blocking everyone’s view so they can take photos of their precious. I totally understand why you are upset.

Sounds like she’s trying to stretch herself to keep everyone happy.

This. He'd probably have a better time. I feel for him. This won't be allowed of course.

yes that’s how i see it
but others seem to think it’s evidence she’s the devil incarnate

sorry if i missed but how local do you live from your Mil and your Sil OP?

so you did assume / misunderstand

.

Do you ever speak to DSil about it? She's going to really regret not pulling back in a few years.

When MIL comes back from the nativity don't let her talk about it more than a minute or two, but, actually, I wouldn't mention much about your day either. If she was interested she would be staying.

I don't see that at all, she is prioritising her DGS above everyone else.

Mumsnet is so unhealthy sometimes. So many posters egging OP on in her jealousy and competitiveness over SIL’s child. Yes these things can hurt if your child isn’t the favourite one, but these are the realities of human relationships and there’s nothing to be gained from indulging the green eyed monster. MIL is allowed her relationship with her DGS and that is separate from her relationship with DGD. Sounds like she does genuinely love them both, albeit she has a special closeness to her DD’s eldest. This is not uncommon.

Or you could read the OP posts:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5213989-its-a-mil-one-stop-me-before-i-say-something-ill-regret?postsby=Bounty9

Your argument seems to sit between "I was beaten and it didn't do me any harm" and "I was alright Jack".

Even the SiL isn't happy with the situation and none of this detracts from the sheer bloody rudeness of accepting an expensive trip including a "first" for her granddaughter - a trip arranged with the MiL in mind - and then sodding off for the main day and missing her granddaughter's "first". Its rude and selfish and you may have not cared but it can cause real upset for children.

yup, as i keep saying. Its the height of bad manners to blow off an accepted invitation for a "better offer"

Your MIL is an extremely lucky woman and I think she is behaving horribly. She has made plans with you and she should stick to them.

This post actually made me feel really sad. I would modify this and send it to her. Explain all the things that you were looking forward to her doing with her grandchild and how disappointed you are that she’s now not going to be there. Fuck being polite! She should know how she has made you feel and send it from you not your husband. I’d even probably go as far as to say I know you’ve always favoured the eldest but just thought for once you might have put her first. I’d be polite but I wouldn’t hold back and I would say to her not to bother coming now as it will just making it confusing for your DD and sad for you and your DH

Some posters are twisting themselves into pretzels to find a way to absolve MIL from any responsibility or blame for priotising her grandson over her grand-daughter.

They booked activities to do together all day including OP's DC's first visit to father Christmas and instead, PILs are disappearing for 6 hours, all day, on the only full day of the trip. It's really not rocket science to know why that would be a problem.

And willfully ignoring the damage which can be done to all the children in this situation - not just the "second class" children. Golden child can be just as damaged by these skewed relationships. In this scenario I also feel very sorry for the SiL dealing with both the direct fall out in the wider family and the sibling favouritism which will play out at home. It rapidly becomes very undermining as a parent.

For the OP best advice is just to step back from arranging things and just nod and smile when they have to congregate as a wider family.

Unless DGS is Joseph or singing a solo, there's no reason for them to be there. Just ask someone to video it. Unlikely DGS will worry either way. I'd be fed up if I were DGD's parents and stop even trying.

Will have been in the school calendar since the beginning of term, likely. Source: Retired School Teacher. These things are organised months in advance.

I have read the OP’s posts? Honestly I think it’s very common- the overwhelming norm? That GPs are closer to some DGCs than others- often it’s the DCs of their daughters (for reasons that make total sense if you read mumsnet!), as long as the GP is still loving and the relationship close (which OP says it is) I don’t think it does children any harm at all . It’s GPs not parents . It’s just the nature of human relationships that some extended family relationships / friendships are closer than others, but they don’t need to detract from each other. Comparison and competitiveness does no one any good.

this is preschool / nursery