It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

I couldn't agree more. I wouldn't be angry about it - just really hurt and disappointed.

'We've been thinking about it MIL and we just feel it would be too upsetting and hurtful to have you go off for the only full day we have together at X Location, and have you miss X, Y and Z activities, so we think it would be better - if you're truly set on being there for X's nativity - that you stay home this time. We're disappointed in your choice but don't want that to take over Baby's holiday'.

I've read all of the OP posts.
I think it's bloody rude of your MIL to leave the break that you have bought them as a gift. All for what will likely be a minutes worth of her DGS nativity. She sounds bonkers .
At least you have the measure of her now OP. You sound like a lovely DIL, and a great mum. Have a lovely trip.

1000% this! It will be such a weird vibe them leaving and then coming back telling your DD all about the nativity. Just tell them that you’ve invited some other friends instead, even if you don’t.

Yeah but this ignores all of the money and effort that OP has expended for the gp's benefit.

I'd tell them to fuck off, frankly.

I think I am lacking the ‘nativity plays are a big deal’ gene.

nativities are so special so I can understand your MIL wanting to be there. Have you explained to her that what you have planned is special too and you’re hurt she’s choosing to miss it?
she might not have considered it like that. Centre Parcs isn’t everyone’s idea of a special treat.
is there a way to come up with a compromise so everyone’s happy? Why not get there at 10am on the first day and leave later on the last day to maximise your time at CP and quality time together (regardless of whether they pop back for the nativity or not).

Really? My mum and dad always come to my children’s plays

Does your husband ever tell you how things are every Thursday when he takes DD to spend time with MIL SIL and cousin? Hopefully DD is subjected to a weekly dose of being 2nd best

Honestly this would eat away at me, I’d be raging and I take my hat off to you for managing MIL’s blatant favouritism of DGS so well. Your DH probably doesn’t want any more family conflict, or a falling out with his mother. Personally I would calmly tell her how you feel about her not treating her grandchildren equally, because your DD will notice as she gets older, failing that I would distance myself before your DD is old enough to notice she’s second best..
I wish you luck with this difficult situation, like they say, ‘you can choose your friends but not your family’

She is probably feeling super important having all these people wanting her here and there and deeming which event suits her most.

This is likely true. I'd spite her by making an effort to have sibling days out with your SIL and nephew and push MIL out. Show her she isn't the centre of the world.

Am I the only one to think the part in the nativity play is relevant? Mary/Joseph, I get where she is coming from. Third sheep less so 😂

As I understand it Mil looks after DGS on Tuesday mornings so for them to go earlier she'd have to cancel that.

To be fair, she wouldn't have missed your dd seeing Santa for the first time if you booked it in the area you all live...

You chose to book a holiday away for these activities.

I'm experiencing favouritism. My MIL forgets to even send a happy birthday text to me about my children's birthday but I watch them organise lavish parties for my SIL.

What you are experiencing is a grandmother trying not to exclude anyone.
Could you not change the important events to the day she won't have to go to the nativity and then you all are happy, it's that easy to choose the peaceful mindset.
She probably senses your tension and that's why she's trying to appease you by claiming she's fine travelling.

I really don't think this has to be an issue

Me too!
When my children left junior school, I was so happy that I would now no longer have to go and watch a nativity/ school christmas play, only to find myself sitting next to another parent who couldn’t possibly give it miss, even though they had a really bad virus that I would go down with just before Christmas!
I don’t do these as a grandparent and my children send me the recordings of the 30 seconds the grandchildren are on.

Based on your updates it is very clear that MIL is not trying to keep the peace or keep everyone happy. She is solely interested in herself and what she wants. And there will be long term ramifications from her attitude. She is going to be isolated from your little family and probably also from SIL and GS as SIL is already making decisions that exclude MIL because she is sick of her behaviour.

If DH wants to have a chat with her, I'd be focusing on the long term ramifications. I'd be letting her know that what she does now will impact her relationship with DD, yourself and DH in the future. I'd tell her that while you cant control what she chooses to do, that you can control what you do and you plan to invite people to share the special moments in your life who you know wont let you down and who will be a positive influence on DD. He can ask her how that will make her feel.

As a parent further down the track with kids who are aware, trust me hearing "there's no point in going to Grandmas, she wont spend any time with us" is like a knife through the heart because I do not want my kids to ever feel like that. Its also resulted in us spending very little time with them. And i think MIL now has many regrets about that. But that was her choice and she has to live with that.

Oh well, there you go OP - it's actually your fault!! 🙄

What they're experiencing is a grandmother prioritising one grandchild over her others, aka favouritism.

The more you post, the more fucked up your MIL's relationship with DGS sounds and I think you and your DD are well out of that dynamic.

Her behaviour in Paris was totally unacceptable and I'm surprised you wanted to mend bridges to the extent that you even arranged this trip tbh. She should be working hard to repair the damage she's done instead of compounding it with yet more rudeness.

She sounds like she needs help tbh.

The shit will hit the fan big style once SIL has endured a few years of her mother blatantly favouring the eldest boy with the youngest constantly being second best. Will make Parisgate look like a walk in the park!

People are who they are and if you have to fight or force attention then it won't feel the same anyway.

Let go of what you can't control and let her go to the nativity. Don't change your own plans, enjoy it and welcome them when they get back etc just keep in mind for next year.

You have all you need with your little family and so this is her loss.

What is Parisgate?

Read OPs posts

Ah I see, that's very odd. Did DH ever discuss Paris again with his mum when you got back? Explain the upset

I’d cancel it. I’d say we wanted it to be a treat and you will miss most of the day and dds Santa visit so it just sounds hard. I think we should just cancel the booking for you and hopefully get a refund so we can try again another time when you can make it.

Actually I'd like the link as well, I'd like to take my DGC, their parents and their aunt to this next year, it would be fantastic

I’ve pulled back massively from mil with my dc being a clear second to sils, I didn’t mind when it was me of course but I mind for my baby. She saw my dd as a newborn when they dropped the older ones home after they looked after them while I was in the hospital, then canceled every arrangement for the next two months as something would come up with sil and mil would have to look after her dds. It felt like we never actually saw the grandparents without sils dds for about a year.