It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

Whatever happens though, try not to let your feelings for MIL ruin your own enjoyment of the break. Which is really hypocritical of me because I’d probably spend it seething if it were me! But it sounds like you’ve booked a really lovely trip for your DD so try to swallow down the bad feeling and focus on the good bits, not the bad!

This has happened in my family too. I'm the non-favoured grandchild and what you write is very similar to what happened with us. My grandparents ended up leaving their entire estate to my cousin. The rest of us got nothing.
My heart goes out to everyone who's in this situation. It's horrible.

Woh Woh Woh! Calm down honey.
I already thanked 2 people for pointing out my error.
I just missed one detail and got confused as the op mentioned Centre parcs mmmmk

You really won’t have to explain to her! Please don’t try to! I have a scatty unreliable parent, and my DC learned that she “loves them but isn’t very good at showing it… loves them but isn’t good at buying presents, loves them, but isn’t good at relationships. Etc.

She does love them to the best of her ability, she’s just a crap granny. They always knew it was about her, not them, and I made a point of sharing anything positive she mentioned or inferred, “granny thinks you’re great at x, y, z, she really appreciated your help”.

For your DD eventually you get to ‘Granny’s not very good at multi tasking. She is a bit stuck on paying attention to GC 1 because that’s where she learned how to be a granny!”.

Separately, that break sounds awesome! Could you send me a link? I’d love to go next year!

Sorry it’s just really tedious, it’s an interesting discussion whether it’s a figment of someone’s imagination or not.

Tbh it's her loss.

My in-laws don't even ask after my boys. My newest is 3 months and they've not even bothered with him.

Id have loved a closer relationship with them, especially MIL as she's a professional nanny. Her tips and advice would have been really welcome. But it was just never ment to be.

It's fine. It was my mistake. I'm still surviving off of broken sleep and early mornings. 😅

Heavy sigh.
I feel like your MIL, whether or not the nativity play was for another important grandchild, should’ve said to your SIL, “I’m so sorry - we’ve already made a commitment to be out of town with @Bounty9 that day so we won’t be able to make it.”
And that should’ve been the end of it.

If they do go to the nativity and then back to to you at (not) center parks, make sure they don’t monopolise the conversation all evening about how amazing the nativity was etc, Do not ask them about it. Every-time it gets brought up (which it will) change the subject back to your day meeting Father Christmas and toasting s’mores etc,

Maybe point it out to her? Can't get any worse

OP, just to think outside the box - why don't you tell MIL to stay behind and just have FIL come with you?

He sounds like a sensible and nice man who makes an effort with your daughter. If MIL isn't there he doesn't have to miss the main event. I'm sure he doesn't give a fig about the nativity.

Otherwise I'd tell them just not to come. They'll be tired for the rest of the trip and full of stories about the bloody nativity.

And all the posters saying poor MIL is being pulled in 2 directions- no she's not. She had an invitation she is rudely ditching for favoured grandchild. I'm sure SIL dreads her mum coming to these things if her own son ignores her. How sad for SIL. And make no mistake- MIL isn't trying to please everyone, she is only pleasing herself.

Nativity is not that important!

You have paid for dgp to come away with you and they fuck off home for the day.? It would be the last time I offer.

We have a similar dynamic where dn is adored and my ds is the poor relation. It use to wind me up as I'm all about fairness. But I've learnt I'm only upset myself. Now I just match their energy

That would make you extremely rude. Your son has paid for you to have a break, has discussed it with you and planned and paid for activities and you'd leave the actual main day to go to a nativity 1.5 hours aware. Are you sure? It's really bloody selfish and rude.

In that case, do you think perhaps she really doesn't know she's doing it? You said that she babysits her DGS and so has a naturally closer relationship...maybe she has no idea that she's playing favourites and that you and your husband have even noticed any uneven attention.

Might be worth bringing the issue up with her, calmly?

I agree!

She’s being ridiculous. But I don’t think you can say anything… it is your DH who needs to point out that you’ve booked a Santa Visit and lunch for that day, and he would love her to be there for it… what’s his opinion?

My mum definitely favored my sisters kids over everone
There is six of us and one golden girl can do no wrong and her kids where the favorites my mum passed away and my sister now treats my dad like a child but then complains she has to do everything.
My other sister middle child went and lived with his granny on the dad's side and now blames my sister for not wanting him and it was the granny spoiling him and a sleepover at weekend turned into full time.
He is 25 now been to New Zealand and when he comes back he still lives with the granny.
So in a way be glad that attention is not going to your dd I know it's hard and I had few bust ups with my mum over similar but I was, the loser the rest took my mums side as didn't want to be on wrong side of her.

@Gatecrashermum if that was an option we would, but he really just does as she asks so I doubt he would do it knowing it would upset her. It is a shame, because he really does try with her.

@EdgarAllenRaven his opinion is that he’s disappointed and feels let down, but refuses to let it put a downer on something we’ve spent a fair amount of money on, he says our enjoyment of it does not correlate with GP’s being there, but he’s going to voice our disappointment tomorrow when he sees her. (We will see how much he actually does that..)

I would be frustrated by this too op.

I think SIL will eventually regret letting MIL be so involved. The baby will get older and wonder why he's not treated the same as his brother.
My oldest DS is my parents and my exes parents first GC. He was completely put on a pedestal by both sets of GPs, especially by my DDad. My dad treated my DB like this too when we were growing up and it caused a lot of problems. I had my 2nd DS a few years later and the difference in how they have been treated is astonishing. My parents went to all my oldest son's shows, took him on holidays, set up premium bonds and an ISA for him but not for all the other GC. My oldest DS now is 20 and has grown up with an air of arrogance about him. He can never accept he is wrong after years of being made to feel he is better than everyone else. We didn't have the best relationship in his teenage years as I would discipline where appropriate and his GPS would tell him I was in the wrong. My younger DS would get pulled up on little things by my DDad though. My DB is also quite thoughtless at times and his nickname for himself is teflon .. because nothing sticks!

Anyway, enjoy your trip! Your MIL will probably regret missing the Santa visit when your DD is excitedly telling her about it.

Thank you @GandDiva - it’s so interesting to see it from that point of view!

Can't believe how many people think it's normal to duck out of planned mini break to see a nursery nativity. Most grandparents don't attend them and those that do it's usually because parents work full-time.

I wouldn't bother challenging MIL about it much because she isn't going to change. I would just dial down the effort I put in to including them going forward.

Just read your update about all the planned activities that you've paid for and she is missing, for a bloody second nursery nativity.

Now I've realised it's not just a few seconds in a grotto, I'd tell her that you don't want her place to go to waste and given she won't be there for most of it, you've invited others in her place. Whether you do or not ,I don't think I could stay with her knowing that we were getting the dregs of left over time from the favoured relative.

I’d be firmer on the ‘don’t bother coming’ as it will spoil your trip worrying about when they will turn up and the whole point was the Wednesday activities. She is being ridiculous and it sounds very unhealthy all round.

Oh for goodness sake. They are the grandparents and not the parents. The kid will probably have one line if he’s lucky and more likely to be one of many stars or angels. It’s bloody rude to mess up the trip for that.

This x100.

Tell her to not bother.