It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

This doesn't sound real. I've never heard of a centre parcs break that your there for one day.
Weekends are Friday to Monday, and week days are Monday to Friday.

I’d be fuming too. You got there first and with the previous backstory they should be more sensitive.

Plus, let’s be honest, nativity plays are usually shit aren’t they.

I quite agree - you don't say yes to one invite and then drop it when something else comes up (barring real emergencies)
People can be so flaky now - I realise that they don't want to miss the nativity but for the sake of 30 minutes they are putting the kibosh on something else that has been planned for months.
OP is there any chance of setting off earlier and doing some of the activities the first day if they can be moved? Then they can take off and not bother returning after the nativity. Tbh if I were in their position and really wanted to see the nativity, I'd be skipping the lunch and having a butty in the car if it meant I would be back for some of the activities.

Read all the Ops posts. She has explained.

Sorry - this was directed to @Tiredmumtoboy

Sorry but your MIL doesn't sound like a nice or lovely person. She sounds spiteful and ungrateful. You have paid for this holiday and she can't be bothered to be there for most of it. She constantly favours her other grandchild. Do you and DH really think your child isn't already being affected?
I would tell her straight. You can't be bothered to be there for the majority of the day when we've planned activities. Don't bother to come as there's no point
If she gets upset, tough. She should have thought of that before she decided to fuck about with your plans.

Boys matter more than girls - that's the bottom line, Why do women like your MIML perpetuate this?

Oh bloody hell it's not actually centre parcs, it's a holiday park similar to centre parcs. This would be a very specific and random thread to make up.

Thanks thought I'd missed something. 👍

I'd tell her not to bother coming tbh. She sounds horrid.

I think given her reply, you should text back.

The Sat Nav might say 1.5 hours each way but that could change if anything goes wrong like accident, snow, rain, roadworks or just mad Christmas traffic
Ultimately you could end up missing the nativity altogether if the journey back is not great and end up in dire traffic at some point during the day. Add to that the nativity might not start on time or over run and lunch could end up being longer.
If fil wants to come up the day before and then sil could drop you at the station and you come when everything is done. That way no one will be relying on getting somewhere by car and you will have the car here when you return home

Otherwise as I don’t want to be the cause of you missing dgs’s nativity, might I suggest you leave it this time

I can understand your feelings about this but I think I agree with your husband’s approach. You’re really not going to change the way she is. She is incredibly bonded to her first grandson, almost in an unhealthy way by the sounds of it. Instead of being jealous of the bond she has with him be proud of the bond you have with your child that your sister in law doesn’t have with her child. Your DD will see this as well in time.

For 1. It’s not one day, it’s 3 with 2 nights & for 2. OP has said it isn’t CentreParcs specifically but a place like CentreParcs

For those doubting my details.. we were going to arrive Tues - MIL looks after DGS on a Tuesday morning so meeting there in the afternoon, spending some time together, going for dinner and on the main day is the activities - meeting father christmas in the morning, lunch, then in the afternoon you gather round firepits, toast marshmallows, sing carols, father christmas comes in on his sleigh, there's elves, probably some fake snow chucked in there somewhere, magical - etc etc. Then wake up Thurs, breakfast, maybe a quick swim and back on the road. It was a short break - yes, but was just meant to be a few days with them that we rarely get. They will miss the morning and most of the afternoon, and tbh who knows if they will even be back for 4:30.

BUT after 19 pages of this thread, I've realised that nativities are really bloody important to some people, and that MIL is actually a bit nuts and I shouldn't care about her opinion as much as I do.

Can you invite your parents instead? Then let MIL off the hook & tell her to go to the Nativity. And I’d really not bother going to so much effort again. Sometimes it’s better & easier just to cut the cord …before your child is old enough to realise they’re second best. Sorry, they’ve behaved really badly.

Just smile and go along with it and inwardly chuckle at the tearing around they will be doing on the day. Sounds awful. Their loss.

Also, make sure you're out and busy when they finally return.

Finally, alter your future PIL expectations drastically.

This. I would be silently livid but magnanimous.

Honestly I would invite someone else if I could at all or just FIL 🤣

But the gps really don’t need to be torn in all directions - an invitation was extended, they accepted ….to now renege for a 30 minute nativity is bonkers. The obsession with it is utterly insane.

The OP clarified earlier that it’s somewhere similar to CP, not actually CP. Details were changed for anonymity.

I would also be asking dh to not be so passive when it comes to his mother.

As you said, he doesnt want to upset his dm so he can keep the peace but is quite happy to see you upset.

Fil sounds lovely though and I wonder if he ever brings up the unfairness

Sil needs to also go low contact for the sake of her DS. I would suggest she doesn’t tell her mother anything about what they are doing as a family and she limits her ds’s time with his gm

I can see mil ending up alone if she carries on down this path.

Oh good grief, it always amazes me that some people don’t have anything better to do with their time than look for plot holes in posts on an anonymous forum. Who cares!

Thanks. 👍 I missed that point.

The huge irony and maybe sad part of this is that MIL doesn't speak to her own mum because she played favourites with DH's cousins when they were all little. I'm not sure how she can't see it's playing out exactly the same - before any of us had children she swore blind she would never let that happen.

Key words in your post - if they can.

In this instance the GPs already have plans and should be sticking with the ones they have made first. They are not just nipping away for an hour to attend a nativity, they are missing what is probably a large portion of their DGDs walking hours on this trip that they have already committed to.

OP I’d be furious and tell them not to bother coming.