It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

I can’t understand people saying you can’t miss a nativity play etc. I hated them. Thought they were crap. Same kids being given star roles every year.

YANBU OP. I’d be fuming. Centre parc isn’t exactly cheap.

She has presumably just got the date for the Nativity Play and decided she can (just about) do both things.

Is the Nativity only on once?
Can SiL definitely get enough tickets for GPs to attend (my adored grandchild has a starring role in their first - and possibly only - Nativity but they are strictly limited to 2 tickets per child so only parents are going)?
Could you amend your trip by one day?

Enjoy your trip whatever happens.

I think I'd be very tempted to send something like this back, emphasising that you and DH know that this trip was in her diary for months and the nativity (the second one that she will be rocking up for) could only have been in the diary for a few weeks and that it's just not on to do something like this.

Or your DH should. Probably better coming from her own son stating how disappointed he is that his parents are playing favourites because if he has noticed, it must be as plain as the nose on their faces to everyone else.

This will have been said, I have only read OP posts. Tired and sick children here.

But I would take it as your out.

Oh that's such a shame MIL. That change doesn't work for us due to planned activities so x and y are coming instead. See you soon.

Honestly OP if I were you I'd be glad she's not trying to have that horrendous smothering relationship with your child! But I can understand you don't want her to feel rejected and left out when you're all together.

Reading your other posts, your MIL sounds obsessed with her DGS and I feel sorry for SIL.

My PIL are similarly obsessed with my firstborn (her first grandchild). When he was born, they tried to move in with us so they could see him everyday. They're still crazy about him and less so with my second-born. My DH is one of two (he has an older brother) and BIL is child-free by choice. My MIL constantly expresses how disappointed she was and how long she waited to be a grandma. Sometimes, I wish BIL had chosen to have children and taken some of the pressure off from us.

A day trip to centre parcs? Is that a thing? It’s not really a holiday is it?

On balance though I think your IL’s should stick to their original plan for the sake of keeping the peace. Your sil can record it or buy the dvd.

And I agree with a pp - where is the anger at FIL? Why is it just aimed at MIL?

@Dollybantree its a 2 night stay because DH works in retail and can’t get more time off in Dec.

It’s aimed at MIL because FIL has always made a concerted effort when we are in a group to spend time with DD and make her feel involved.

I don't think this is necessarily the case.

Might be MIL's own DD said it was happening without being specific when, asked if she wanted a ticket, agreed and arranged it all and then found out it was on the day of the trip.

Honestly, if the trip has been booked for them (which sounds kind) but isn't to their taste, maybe they don't want to go and are glad of a way out. I'm not sure 1 night with the activities planned is really a fair swap for the holidays OP says they've taken her on.

With all your updates op I have to say she sounds totally batshit and I feel sorry for all of you, this is a very unhealthy way to grandparent, I even feel bad for your SIL being constantly undermined, how awful.

Next year in Copenhagen sounds fantastic.

* its a 2 night stay because DH works in retail and can’t get more time off in Dec.*

oh sorry op I didn’t read it properly obvs!

I think OP, after reading your updates, you and DH need to reduce the importance of her presence. She is probably feeling super important having all these people wanting her here and there and deeming which event suits her most. I would step back and never organise anything again.

I think she will pretend the car has broken down or traffic is bad, and secretly attend some event after the play and not return. No way based on how you have detailed her obsession with her grandson, will she leave right after the play to drive 1.5 hours back.

You are all better off without rude grandma in the picture. She needs to take a backseat. The star of your show is DD and she’s obviously has two great parents, she doesn’t need anyone who is half-arsed in her life. She’s way more valuable than that.

I hope your DD has a great time meeting Santa!

I would be VERY pissed off in your shoes. I'm not sure I would be that confident DH would accurately convey your upset about it either, if he's a laid-back people-pleaser who doesn't like to upset his mother.
I would back right off and be very cool with her (but that's me). And if she ever had the gall to ask me why, I'd tell her.

As a grandmother myself I would do the same as your MIL. I'd spend time with my granddaughter on holiday, slip away for a few hours to see my grandson because you can't miss a nativity play, then return to my granddaughter.

Why is that so bad?

I was in a very similar situation to you about 15 years ago, it felt like the the favouritism was blatant for sister in laws son while our daughter (a year younger) was largely ignored!). I will say as time went on things really changed - dgs became a bit of a whirlwind and a bloody handful for a while 😬 while dd loved baking, crafts, puzzles, shopping etc and the relationship and time spent together really changed. The relationship is a really positive one now and both grandchildren are equally adored which I appreciate (even though she is no longer my MIL!) Hopefully this will be the case for you too. I know how grating it can be.

"You can't miss a Nativity?!" Since when?
Teacher here. Most schools only allow two tickets per child so the vast majority of grandparents have to make do with watching it on dvd (or the modern equivalent).
OP, she's picked her lane. Fuck her!

Addressing issues calmly and talking about it is better than going low-contact, which is passive aggressive and doesn't really work in family systems anyway.

She didn’t double book - she booked with you months ago and then got a second invite.
That’s not a double booking.

If she’d explained and said she doesn’t want to let anyone down or disappoint any child you’d have worked something out.

It has been done deliberately though. Plans had been made, holiday had been put in the diary & paid for, activities had been chosen & paid for then grandparents deliberately chose to fuck off those plans of seeing their grandchild’s first visit to see Santa in order to watch their favourite grandchild’s nativity for the second time. It’s 100% deliberate, they haven’t accidentally cancelled their plans to attend the nativity

Of course you can miss a nativity play! It’s not a court summons. The grandma went last year, and most nurseries do limited tickets only, so the vast majority of grandparents don’t go to their GCs ones and they all seem to cope.

Its not ‘slipping away for a few hours’ it’s missing most of the day.

Cancelling on someone because you get a preferable offer is bloody rude.

Because they have booked activities during the time she will be “slipping away”.

They have booked to take granddaughter to see Santa and other activities, they booked them together, the OP paid, and now she is not doing the pre-booked activities because she has chosen to go to the nativity instead!

Do people not read threads anymore?

I’d be privately a bit irritated but say nothing out loud.

if they want to do a 6 hour round trip for a little nativity for their grandchild so be it. I think they will regret it

nativity is nice for DP but DGPs I don’t get it

I'd be annoyed. Nativity plays or similar happen every year through primary, and it's not generally an expectation or even possible that all grandparents go, so it's not a big enough thing to miss a good chunk of a prearranged trip away someone else has generously paid for. I think it's ok for your DH to tell her you are disappointed she hasn't prioritised a pre arranged and expensive event, and that she will miss the best bits, eg Santa.

I think the relationship she has with your DC sounds much healthier though, so I wouldn't focus on the disparity in treatment.

Yes, I’d be upset. A nativity play is really not a big deal. I mean in our school it’s not unusual for just one parent to come and some children don’t have any parents there. Very few grandparents attend. It’s just a bunch of 4-6 year olds standing around singing Christmas songs badly. It would be different if it was like her Year 6 leavers assembly or something that never gets repeated. It shows how little she values you all, I’m afraid, and also how little she cares if you know. She might have been upset that she was double booked and then regretted that she was going on the holiday and wished she could be at the play, but sucked it up and put a smile on for you and your dc. But the fact she doesn’t even really seem to care is what would upset me most. It’s about not being valued for me.

I would have Dh tell her not to even come. It’s too disruptive to the day to have her dick off in front of your dd. It doesn’t send a nice message.

As a grandmother myself I would do the same as your MIL. I'd spend time with my granddaughter on holiday, slip away for a few hours to see my grandson because you can't miss a nativity play, then return to my granddaughter.

They only have one full day of the holiday and she'll be away for pretty much all of it, including the Father Christmas highlight. She's made her presence on the trip pointless.