It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

Perhaps arrange get togethers with sil and cousin and leave pils out. Your dd can build relationships with aunt and cousin which are just as valuable as GPS.

@LivelyMintViper we do meet up with SIL and her family without GP’s - the kids get on great as they are so close in age. I have no bad feelings towards SIL as I know she’s not the one urging this.

@thepariscrimefiles

i don’t know. I think there is an intention to please both there.
I guess the big question is - if the situation was reversed, would the GP’s go and see OP’s daughter in her nativity?

Would the OP feel similarly peed off if daughters nativity had been mentioned, and GP’s then announced they were off to Center Parcs.

I have never really though - oh I want my GP’s around when my DC sees Santa…
I have thought - oh I’d love them to see DC singing, dancing and saying their lines in a nativity…

There’s a few different issues here.

The main one being you were very very naive to think this woman will change her alignment or amend it in your favour.

She was called out in a rather public way and she can’t have liked that.

You also seem jealous on your child’s behalf. This behaviour from MiL is nothing to do with you or your child. The MiL is just quite frankly acting ridiculous.

Calling her out on her favouritism might make you feel just but you have seen once again where her priorities lie. Not with your family and never will be.

I think her actions are appalling but you will never change who she is.

Witholding your DGC is not the solution either.

Things are never going to balance out. She's always going to have more input with her daughters child than her sons. You'll have an easier time if you just accept that and stop fighting it.

I understand that her relationship with DGS is different. They have regular sleepovers, she provides them with childcare, she goes to his sports days, nativities, hair cuts and everything in between. I understand her relationship with DD is not like that and I had come to accept it and was happy with the relationship they’re building.

What I’m upset with on this one particular occasion is her changing our pre-arranged plans, missing experiences she asked to be involved in that we had paid for on their behalf, and making DD feel lesser (to me, obviously DD is none the wiser).

Wow it sounds like you and your DD were treated appallingly in Paris. I’m surprised you didn’t go low contact after that. Favouritism like that is inexcusable. She knew what she was doing. Was she at least apologetic when you got home?

She sounds vile in the most insidious of ways in that she rejects bids for attention and your daughter won't have the emotional development just yet to know that is what she's doing, and she will just feel bad and not know why.

Why would your husband want to wait until your daughter is clearly showing signs of distress at having her emotional needs neglected by her grandmother to address this? The damage will be done by then.

Yes @CatalinaLoo she apologised (well, she apologised to DH) and said she would change her behaviour. It was the one and only time we’ve ever had crossed words and I cringe thinking about it now, it was awful.

But tbh we stopped going to group get togethers. SIL has since had a second baby so they’re even worse now - SIL doesn’t attempt to parent him any more when MIL is around as she knows MIL will. Tbh it’s a wholly toxic vibe and we do our best to avoid it, unless it’s a big birthday etc.

I've read all your posts @Bounty9. I think you're right to be annoyed about this. Her behaviour is disappointing to say the least. I wonder if the pressure to attend is coming from DGS as it doesn't sound like she'd refuse him?

@AnneShirleysNewDress I don’t think there’s pressure coming from anyone, I think that’s why it’s upsetting - if SIL was twisting her arm, if DGS was begging her to go I could at least understand it but she’s just actively choosing to go over the plans we’d already made - which a week ago she was off the walls excited about.

Blooming heck your updates about Paris and that even her own DD is fed up with the way her mother behaves with her son, is shocking. Your MIL is toxic and things will only get worse. I feel sorry for you and your DD but I also feel sorry for your SIL, she’s being pushed out of that relationship with her son. And I say all this as a grandparent! I’d never behave this way with my granddaughter, who is my DD’s DD.

Say the thing :D snap at her

I actually think you're really lucky that your MIL doesn't smother your DD in the way she does her DGS. Be thankful, not jealous.

Let her get on with whatever she wants to do and let it all wash over you. You'll be happier in the long run, I promise.

If your SIL is saying that, you may actually have reason to be thankful that she is less engaged with your family...

Regarding this event, I would just let it go. As you say, it will make no difference to your DD and it is the relationship between them that matters. If your DD would have been upset, it would have been different. For your own benefit in the future, I would back off making such arrangements and let MIL do the work herself. Your DD will be fine if they end up only having a distant relationship.

OP, I’ve read all your posts now and clearly your MIL has issues.

Thing is, I bet your SIL is as fed up with her as you are, so I would suggest getting your sil on side - I would in fact mention to her that it’s a shame that MIL has essentially blown off part of the holiday to be with DGS.

I think rather than wanting MIL to have more to do with your DD, I bet your SIL would prefer her to be less possessive of her DS.

Thank you, DH says he doesn’t want DD to have that kind of relationship with MIL and I agree - not to the extent she rejects us or doesn’t see us as her safe place any more. When SIL had her second baby, DGS went and stayed with MIL for the first week he was home, which blew my mind because surely you want to make him feel more included rather than pushed out, but each to their own!

Anyway, I digress slightly. I think I’ve learned my lesson here - no more invites and then we can’t be let down. We will enjoy our little break away regardless.

Thank you everyone x

She sounds like an absolute horror. I’d pull back as much as possible tbh. It will be very interesting to see how she is with the new baby, that might be the thing that brings it all to a head. I doubt your SIL will let her show blatant favouritism between siblings, should it happen.

Having caught up with all your updates OP I agree with this poster. You are much better off.

I've just scanned back to see what it was you were wanting to get out of this thread. Yes, do reply and tell her to forget the whole trip. I think if she comes and leaves, it prey on your mind and ruin the trip, if they come and stay she will undoubtedly make some mention of the nativity and it will ruin the trip. Better that they don't come at all!

@TheFairyCaravan I think you’re very right - she pays zero attention to the new baby, so I don’t think it was a boy thing. I just think she formed this unhealthy obsession when he was born and no other grandchild will compare.

If it’s only 1.5 hours away can you not rearrange Santa for the afternoon of the first day? Set off at 9 you’ll be there by 10am, book it for around 1pm? They can then be at Santa visit with one grandchild whilst being able to go to nativity with other grandchild.

@HMW1906 unfortunately Santa is only at 11:30 or 2pm on the first full day, so they’d miss either.

Yes, I'd say even more valuable because statistically, aunt and cousin will be around longer.

MIL could use some therapy. I'd just stop making plans with her.

And can I just say - this was a bloody cathartic evening. Thanks everyone 😂