It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

We have a similar situation with my mother-in-law. We could plan the most lavish events for her but if his brother had a sniff of needing a tiny bit of assistance from them, she would drop everything and run. I agree with what everyone else has said in that you need to express your dissatisfaction to her. I had a psychologist who once said if you don’t throw your toys out of the pram every now and then, people think you’re a pushover and don’t respect you. To be honest you could just completely lose your s**t and see what she did. She’d have to come crawling back wouldn’t she?

OP if you don't mind me asking, how can you be certain your sil isn't making your mil feel guilty for not attending the nativity & do you disagree she should be persuading your mil to attend your trip for the whole duration. It's what I would do in this situation but to be fair you know them best.

The highlight of the trip is the visit to see Santa as this will be the first time that OP's DD has seen him. This is an activity that was discussed with OP's MIL and FIL before OP booked and paid for it and they were all looking forward to it.

This event will take place while MIL is at the Nativity. The activity will go ahead but MIL and FIL won't be there to see their grand-daughter's delight at seeing Santa for the first time. They have already seen their grandson's Nativity last year. They are wasting OP's money and disappointing their grand-daughter.

I really don’t understand the posters saying she’s trying to do both and she’s being nice!

She sat down and planned a day full of activities (and let the OP pay for them!) which included seeing Santa with her granddaughter, probably a nice lunch afterwards, and has cancelled those to go to her grandson’s nativity play.

What? Their Grandchild?

Of course they can miss it

Sure, but they already went to his nativity last year… so it’s not exactly a huge moment… also the kid is probably playing sheep number 3. Not sure these are memories of a lifetime….

Well, if she had as much as a natural relationship with the poster and the siblings she wouldn’t be seeing more of one set of DGC she?

And the grandson is 3.5 years old? Not a school nativity?

It's a nursery nativity?

Oh now ive heard it all

HUGE eye roll

With respect (and I genuinely don’t mean this harshly), are you projecting some of your stuff here? You seem really over- invested in trying to create a strong bond between MIL and your DD and to level this out as being equal with your MILs relationship with DGS.
My MIL massively favours her daughter’s children to our kids; they can do no wrong! Her daughter is the best mother in her eyes and I am a bit rubbish! She always shares pics and videos of her other grandkids and it is annoying! I think that this might be a ‘thing’; that some parents feel more connected when it’s their daughter (rather than their daughter in law) who has had the baby.
if I were you I would try to chill out and step back. Invest your energy elsewhere! Your DD will not feel second best if she feels valued by you and her daddy.

Is the SIL a madam?

She is probably trying to keep everyone happy but she has to realise she can’t be in two places at once.

I would politely let her know you are hurt by her decision.

@Livinglifetoday SIL purposely didn’t invite MIL on their polar express trip this year because MIL and DGS are so close that he rejects his mum when Nana is there. They thought if MIL came to the polar express, he would sit on her lap the entire time and they wouldn’t get to experience that with him.

SIL told us that with MIL in the room. So I know that SIL will have mentioned it in passing that it’s his nativity, rather than urging her to go. However I know that MIL will not cancel this nativity because she’s now ‘committed’ - aka she would honestly just rather be there.

You're not being unreasonable, OP. She booked with you first, and she should have honoured that commitment. There'll be other nativity plays, and she can always see a video. It may not the same, but she was already committed elsewhere.

When you said that your DD pales in comparison to your SIL's child (in MIL's eyes)...I have seen this dynamic play out in my own family, and it's not pretty. My dad's mum had two sons and a daughter. Her favourite GC, by far, was her daughter's daughter. As my dad said to me, you'll never compete with the daughter's daughter. Sounds like something similar is going on here.

Your MIL is wrong to play favourites and wrong to bail on one branch of the family for another. That's a surefire way to spread family discord. Doesn't anyone with half a brain know that you don't play favourites and you honour whichever commitment was made first, except in extenuating circumstances? (e.g. If my friend and I had planned to slope off to the pub for a swift half, I doubt she's mind me cancelling if I got invited to a ball.)

Your MIL is silly and immature. I'm sorry.

There's nothing you can do with people like that, who are self-centred and bad-mannered. I agree with your DH. Rise above it and have a lovely time without them.

My MIL massively favours DHs sister and ignores our DD in consequence so I know how you feel! He’s also a peacekeeper and just doesn’t like the confrontation but I’ve stopped making any effort at all and the really sad thing is it means my DD has no idea who she is. She lives 20 mins away but hasn’t seen her since Christmas and even missed her birthday. It seems if I don’t make the effort no one will. I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing, but it’s maybe something worth bearing in mind. Is a second class relationship better than none at all? Or would you rather save your child the hurt of coming second place?

My SIL doesn't have kids but when she does it'll be this way 😂 I know I don't let MIL take my DD as much as my SIL would if she had any. It's kinda natural, it's her Mum, not mine. I do think it's a bit different with Mother's and daughters vs MIL and DIL

What happened on the last holiday?

Good.

That's what happens when people are bad-mannered. They don't get invited.

It will be wonderful bonding time for your DC and their aunt, who will probably be around for a lot longer in your DC's life than their rude grandma.

This is really interesting! Do you think MIL almost sees DGS as her baby? He prioritises her and ignores his mum and sits on her lap. Does your DD respond to her in the same way?

Like I said, she's not a horrible person, and we booked this with her in mind because she loves Christmas. It's DD's first santa visit, the first one she understands and is excited about - she's missing that too. If she was so looking forward to this break, she could forego one nativity for a break that cost us a fair whack of money

so you say about your Mother In Law, missing your daughter meeting Santa, yet your happy for her to miss her grandson in his nativity??

I got to all my grandson’s nativities, I’ve not missed one, I’ll even have time off work to attend!!

My grandson loves me watching, infact every year he asks me to watch him

@Barrenfieldoffucks haha, sorry I didn’t mean it to be like the Gavin and Stacey fishing trip that’s never spoken about.

It was a week in Paris that was doomed from the start tbh, because we’d already felt like MIL was playing favourites but a week all shoved in one house together just brought it to light. She carried DGS everywhere the whole time (even though SIL asked her to let him walk) and when my DD asked to hold her hand/be picked up she would say no, sorry, she was holding DGS. She didn’t play with her or try to interact with her, despite DD’s attempts. We asked if she wanted to come on some rides with us at Disney after she had been on some with DGS and she refused and stayed with SIL. Even SIL was pissed off at the end, because her son wanted nothing to do with her and was permanently attached to MIL. It all came to a head one evening when DD was trying to get her attention and she was ignoring her in favour of DGS - there were crossed words, DH said if it didn’t balance out, then we’d have to pull back when we got home. We got an earlier Eurostar home because we had had enough and it just ended pretty badly. Like I said, we’ve rebuilt bridges and stopped doing huge group get togethers and things had been much better.

@Brinkley22 yes I 100% think she sees him as her baby. Her youngest son has just moved out and she’s really struggled with that, and I think DGS is filling that gap. DD doesn’t go to her in the same way, she will come to me if she’s upset/scared/hurt herself whereas DGS will go to MIL and shouts ‘no’ when his mum comes near.

@BrendaSmall I would only expect her to miss the nativity because we have pre-arranged plans. If it were the other way round, I would expect her to miss DD’s nativity for their pre-booked holiday with SIL

The fact that they’re willing to drive back and forth between you both suggests that she’s trying to please both families. I appreciate it’s not ideal and you’re justified in being disappointed but the intention is good. Your SIL might have been the one applying pressure. I think your PIL are caught between a rock and a hard place.

Thanks. This makes for a better understanding of the whole situation. I now agree you should go ahead & enjoy your trip. It's good your DH is making her aware your daughter was excited about Grannie being there with her to see Santa so it will be difficult telling her she changed her mind.

I don't want this to sound too harsh but I think you're being way too passive. After that update about the Paris trip, you really need to make it very clear that this recent decision is unacceptable behaviour. It's rude to you considering you invited first and paid for the trip and has a detrimental impact on your daughter's perception of their relationship.