It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

Sorry OP. Actions speak louder than words. I would tell them not to come.

It is ridiculous to drive back and forth like that on 3 successive days.

But what can you do?

I would have DH tell her that you are both sad that she will miss DD’s first Santa visit as that is something you had hoped to share with them. Don’t frame it as annoyed, just sad. And DH has to say it’s both of you.

Unfortunately you have been performing the ‘pick me’ dance which tends to end in disappointment.

100% this.

She’s doing both as she’s going on a Christmas trip with one DGC while also going to the nativity or the other. Hence the 3 hours of driving which I’m sure no GP would particularly want to do.

Just as much the fault of OP sil

In her defence she wouldn't have known when the Nativity was

And maybe her grandson would have been upset and she's stuck in the middle

She doesn't have to do it. She could explain that she has had this trip booked for 6 months and she has sat down with her son and his wife and agreed activities so she can spend time with her other grandchild.
No one is forcing her to go to the nativity.

All the people on here who are trying to excuse the MIL awful behaviour.
If I book to go away with one of my friends,I don't ditch them when something else comes up.

SIL will just not have realised, she probably would’ve said for her not to go if she did know, but MIL will be desperate to see that nativity, so won’t have said at the time, knowing fully well it clashed and she would make excuses to me later.

I really appreciate all the responses, especially the ones that have validated how I’m feeling.

Had a good chat with DH tonight. He agrees he thinks it’s rude and he’s going to tell her tomorrow we are disappointed she will be missing the activities we had planned as a group, but understand that’s their decision.

At least we know for future now, and next year won’t be inviting them so at least we won’t be let down. We will definitely still make the most of the trip, DD has been banging on about meeting Santa and I can’t wait to see it ❤️

My DD is not the favourite, she is the first GC but my MIL doted on my BIL’s DD once she came along. Kids can be really astute about this sort of thing and my DD started to gave MIL the cold shoulder when she was about 4. In the end after being asked several times by MIL why DD wasn’t friendly to her, I had to explain it was due to the favouritism. My MIL did change her behaviour but their relationship has never really recovered. I feel sad for them both.

Your MIL is being incredibly rude and thoughtless. You have every right to be hurt, you’ve put time, money and effort into a lovely holiday and they are ditching you. Like others have said, downgrade the relationship after the holiday.

She’s saying that she’s still going to come and just go to the nativity

So are you going to say “no” to that?

@MyOpalViewer no, we are going to say we understand it’s their decision to miss out on the day, but will be there for the rest of the trip

If sil didn't know perhaps you should tell her now but I fail to see how your mil wouldn't have let her know the plans. I still feel its up to sil to reassure her mother she's fine with her going on the break for the duration OP & indeed encourage her to do so

Do people actually give a shit about a nursery nativity? Sounds like a chore to me tbh. I'd be pissed off with MIL too.

Please say to your DH that if MIL says"Oh, next time" in an attempt to smooth things, he's to say "No, we're not going to plan another family holiday like this - this has been really disappointing, so we don't want to try and plan another one". That might bring it home to her.

This is the crux of it all. They made a commitment to you and your family and jointly selected activities for the one major day you are there for the whole day.

Now she’s saying something has come up that she’d prefer to attend on that one whole day and is prioritising the invitation that was issued after yours was accepted and agreed upon. It’s bad behaviour. She should honour your break that you’ve paid for.

I really would be tempted to say this isn’t going to work and cancel their trip.

Why doesn’t your mum have a “natural relationship” with your siblings? Don’t say it’s because they’re boys, because that’s utterly ridiculous and complete bollocks. And if a result of your mother having a more “natural relationship” 🙄 with you that she prioritises your DC over her other DGC then it makes her not a very nice person imo.

Honestly it may be a blessing in disguise.. we were going to do Copenhagen Christmas markets next year and invite them, but we are absolutely going to invite my sister now instead 😂

maybe you should reread this post @TheFairyCaravan you have misunderstood

I haven’t misunderstood. I know the poster wrote that their mother has a more natural relationship with them than with their DDIL or their siblings partners. But what about their siblings? Why doesn’t their mother have a more natural relationship with them? Why can’t their mother see them and their children as much? It just plays into the trope that if you’re a mother of boys you need to get used to not seeing your DGC because they will be off with their other granny who they will have a “more natural” relationship with .

So would your mum cancel a planned meet up/event with one of your siblings partners and their child/children if you invited her to something after them?

Is your sister available this year?

Unfortunately not, @LookingforMaryPoppins - it’s in 2 weeks and a midweek break, so most people are at work.

@thepariscrimefiles

I don’t think they are cancelling, I think they are planning to do both?

Why doesn’t your mum have a “natural relationship” with your siblings?

So you assumed this rather than misunderstood? Because no where is this said