It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

It's a nativity play at primary school! Not the West End first night.
Jeez.

You have every right to feel hurt over this behaviour.

let’s put it this way… if she was going away with her other grandchild and you invited her to DD’s nativity, do you think she’d try to fit both grandchildren in or tell you that she couldn’t make it due to previously booked plans?

I think you and DH should take a step back. I have a similar dynamic with in-laws and it’s hard to experience the favouritism for one grandchild over another. We’ve lowered our expectations and it feels easier.

Still makes us feel sad for our children but we can’t make them interested so have stopped trying.

Yep me too

The MiL shouldn't be trying to 'accommodate everyone' when she has already committed to something (which is a pretty big one off thing). If you've been invited to a meal at someone's house and then get invited to a meal at another person's house, you don't 'try and please everyone's by having a starter at one and a main at the other ans then popping back for pudding. In any case, if she goes to the nativity she is actually 'accommodating' that in its entirety, whereas by missing the only full day of the holiday and activities that the OP has paid for, she is shitting shitting all over the OPs break.

HRTFT but this.

I’m a parent and of course its a bit cute the first time (for 3 mins) but she has been before, isn't the parent and had already made commitments. Why can’t she say no to SIL?

Plus at my school it wasn’t a case of 1 child to 4 adults as no-one would fit in the hall so how does that work?

The type of holiday was discussed with MIL and FIL before OP booked and paid for this and they both said they wanted to come. There's a Christmas theme and OP said her MIL loves Christmas. It's the first time OP's daughter will see Santa and she wanted MIL and FIL to enjoy her daughter's delight. They discussed this activity before booking and, again, MIL and FIL said that they wanted to do this.

This should be a treat for OP's ILs, but obviously isn't because they don't love and value their grand-daughter as much as they should. She is clearly second best to the grandson.

I think by asking SILs permission for granny to miss the nativity it’s accepting that SILs kids always come first, and OPs kids get what time is left over. This shouldn’t really need to involve SIL - it’s the MILs choices and unfair treatment of the grandkids which appear to have caused the problem . If SIL had thrown a hissy fit because granny wasn’t attending the nativity then DH should speak to SIL.

‘. I've been really looking forward to this break, just unfortunate the DGS nativity has fallen in the middle'.
yep it is unfortunate, but it doesn’t mean she has to ditch OP and DD and leave a pre-booked and paid for trip. She’s talking like she’s cancelling due to something out of her control like work/ illness etc- she can easily not attend the nativity - she’s choosing to cancel on OP in preference of the nativity.

How on earth is she doing both if she will miss seeing her grand-daughter meet Santa for the first time? That was supposed to be the highlight of the trip and OP discussed this with MIL and FIL before booking and paying for it.

MIL already has a prior commitment with her son and his family that she should honour. Instead, she is determined to see her grandson in his nativity for the second year running rather than watch her grand-daughter meet Santa.

I’ve got 2 sons, I don’t doubt my DILs are closer to their own mothers than they are to me, however that doesn’t mean I love my grandson any less. If I had arranged to do something with him, I’d never bin him off unless it was a dire emergency. You shouldn’t play favourites with children, it’s cruel.

She should have stuck to the first commitment, especially since you are paying. Sadly her DD’s children will always be the priority to her

Why stay for a lunch and a late return? There are two of them to drive so, after the play they could have a pre-packed sandwich and a flask of tea while taking it in turns driving to be with you at 2.30.

I don't think is akin to asking the sil permission. I see it as making the sil aware that on this one ocassion the fact the trip was agreed & paid for its unfair of her to not step in & say please go ahead & spend the time with your Grand daughter. I would feel guilty if it was my brother who had organised a trip for my parents with their Grand daughter that coincided with my sons nativity play & I didn't insist they go ahead with the trip for the duration. I still believe t
OPs DH should speak to his sister & on this one ocassion ask her to step in.

Is the MIL getting pressure from Nativity Childs mum or dad?

That's what I'd do too.

Can you not move the holiday dates OP?

@TheFairyCaravan

I see far more of my own mother than her daughter in law, and my children therefore do too.

Mum has a very natural relationship with me, but is more uncomfortable around my DP - or any of my siblings partners.

Rightly or wrongly, I think it’s the grandmum/the daughter that tend to be involved more in social situations etc.

That bond is typically going to be closer with the GM and her own daughter - plus the dynamics associated with this.

That said, I don’t think any grand children are loved less, it’s more about the social dynamics that play out between a GM and her daughter v’s daughter in law.

No don't do that. That will set the scene for everything going forward. Why should op change a date that has been discussed, booked, paid for to accommodate a bloody nativity play.

A grandchild’s nativity play, when he was in one last year and he’s only 3.5 absolutely doesn’t seem like a big thing to miss. My parents didn’t come to any of my children’s ones. Plus tickets were generally max 2 per family.

I feel for you, it's horrible behaviour on their part. I'd bring someone else along with you as you'll be uptight with them there. Can your DH not speak out and say how hurt he is?

I think you definitely need to address it with your in-laws. Or else these kind of things will keep happening and it'll turn into something bigger.

I speak from experience after years of my in-laws favouring sil dc. My dc didn't get a look in. And because my DH didn't want to confront them about it, well they just carried on excluding our dc. Now they are adults and they hardly see their grandparents. They have no close relationship, it's a four times a year quick visit during which time mil bangs on about the favourites almost the whole time.

And it has affected our dc. My own parents have passed and I don't have much family my side. They really needed and wanted all the good times with grandparents. It's totally ruined any relationship between the cousins. It's caused a fracture in the family. They tell me they are angry and don't want to really see them now and that they have been made to feel not good enough.

My eldest graduated from uni last year. We were allowed four tickets. We asked mil to come and she was thrilled. We booked a lovely meal for afterwards. Two days before graduation she told us she couldn't come because sil was going away for the weekend and she needed to mind her dog. Final nail in the coffin for my dd.

In your shoes, I would be saying "I think it's best that we do a joint trip another time when you are not double booked, as it's going to be confusing and upsetting for DD if you have to leave part way through." If she comes back with further nonsense about the grandfather driving back and forth, just say that you've already cancelled their spots.

I hate it when people double book and pull shit like this and I always cancel if they suggest a half-arsed version of what had originally been planned.

If you go along with this, you're giving her the green light to always see plans with your DD as flexible and pull similar stunts in the future.

Reading this makes me so grateful my son & dil ensure both sets of Grandparents see & interact with their Grandchildren equally including alternating Christmas days.

I think your MIL seems to be the domineering presence and your FIL and DH probably just goes along with it. When people like you OP (from the ‘outside’) come into this and know what a healthy dynamic looks like, it can be a surprise to those in the trenches, as it is just ‘how it has always been’ (MIL making all decisions and FIL and DH following the same old pattern for years).

It won’t change. I agree with PPs that suggest to cancel the in-laws invite. Maybe can some other family or friends take the booking?

My MIL is the same. She favours her DD’s kid. She doesn’t bother connecting with us at all. Our DC is a toddler and does not know her. Similar to you OP, I extended myself many times only to be pushed back. The latest visit she complained she was missing a get together of some social group that she sees regularly versus seeing her grandkid, her DS and me. It was three months between visits. I apologised to her for missing out her group get-together and stopped initiating anything on my end. DH communicates with her, I don’t bother anymore, no cute messages about her grandchildd, no calls, no more care packages - she doesn’t do anything back why should I waste one more moment of time.

I’m fortunate DC has interested grandparents on my side.

My granny vastly favours my cousin. I don’t think of it in terms of she “likes her more” , they just have a closer relationship, partly circumstance, partly lots of different things. I know she loves me and I love her. It really doesn’t bother me that much. I know it used to irritate my mum a bit, but honestly competing with others over who’s closer to who never did anyone any good in any context.

That's appalling. You have every right to feel hurt. It is pointless them joining you at all. They are not even planing to rush back after the nativity.

If they do join you and then leave, missing the main day, it will ruin the day (and potentially the trip) for you as, with the best will in the world, it will annoy and upset you that they are leaving and missing all the special activities you have booked.

I think you should suggest they don't come at all. Take friends / family that do want to spend time with you or go alone as a family .