It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

@TheignT yes, on reflection you're right. OP's DD should get to choose who is included in special occasions. And I get the sense that while OP is understandably seething, she values her DD having a lovely relationship with Granny and will encourage her DD to want Granny to be there.

But I don't see it as point scoring to avoid inviting MIL to nativity, first dance performance etc. I see it as protecting her from being disappointed when Granny 'accidentally double books' in favour of DGS.

You said
"FIL loves spending time with DD, on #nightmareholidaygate he broke away from the pack to spend time with us and DD whilst MIL spent the entire time with DGS. I imagine he's probably a bit miffed about it, but would never say."
So my advice is to tell MIL not to come, enjoy her DGS nativity & just invite FIL to spend the few days with you! 😁

What do you mean? She’s not putting her second - she’s trying to do Both

Well she shouldn’t

I bet she’s one of those school gate grannies that know all the parents and goes to all the parties.

I wouldn’t be happy if anyone ditched a holiday i’d paid for in favour of any minor appointment.

i doubt that she prefers to drive three hours just to see a toddler nativity play. Sounds like she is trying to please everyone.

I totally understand why you are annoyed and feel this is all the old favouritism coming back again. It's kind of annoying that your DH is not annoyed, too, when you want him to stand up for you and for your DD.

I suspect that your MIL won't ever really change and doesn't 'get' it. If that's the case then I wonder if it would help you to just stop caring as much. Easier said than done but worth it in the long run. Expect her to favour DGS, expect her to mess you around, expert her to never get it. You can just focus on the people in your DD's life that really make the effort. It's her loss but managing your expectations of MIL might help to prevent her hurting you like this again.

Is it even worth her going away with you? To leave at 11am for a 90 minute journey to see a Nativity then lunch and a 90 minute drive to be back for 4 seems very ambitious. And your daughter is 2 1/2 so it’s not like she’ll still be up and socialising with granny late into the evening is it?

I've spoken to DH about this a few times - either he really just isn't bothered, or puts on a great poker face. He says if it ever appears to be having an effect on DD, then he will pick it up, otherwise we just continue as we are.

See, that, to me is just batting it into the long grass - for a start it's bothering you!! Isn't that enough for him to see it is something to deal with - even if it's just "being on your side" rather than being neutral. But tbh, waiting until MIL's behaviour "appears to be affecting DD" is too late, the behaviour, (which he obviously can't deny exists or there wouldn't be anything to wait for....) needs to never affect DD surely???

She has replied "Oh no, it's ok - FIL is fine with the driving. I've been really looking forward to this break, just unfortunate the DGS nativity has fallen in the middle'.

She seems nice and in trying her hardest 🤷

Your DH though… what a limp lettuce 🤢

I think that's the point for me. It's like she's not appreciating the gesture. Happy for you to pay for the accommodation, but not happy to actually spend the time with you. If you'd been going for a week, and it was a day in the middle, fine. But this is ultimately the majority of the time you have together.

As you've said, it's not DGS's first Nativity, and there's no indication that he's got a "major" role, so while I can understand that she's torn, she should be sticking with the first commitment and the one that's costing someone else money.

I imagine the nativity date has only recently come up and she's either looked in her diary and seen that she's already booked for the trip away and chosen to accept anyway, or has accepted without checking, but now is standing by her promise to them, rather than you.

There's no way of defending it - whichever way you look at it she's chosen her DGS over her DGD.

I can understand that it hurts OP. All you can do is what you've said - try and avoid your DD noticing for as long as possible.

My grandmothers were wonderful in treating us all like we were her favourites. When she passed away, I spoke with my cousins and they all said the same thing. Whenever we were with her (she made sure to have us each on our own, as well as days out together), we were all made to feel like top grandchild. She wouldn't have dreamed of choosing one of us over the other, so I'm sorry you can see it so blatantly with your MIL.

PIL made the commit to the holiday before the Nativity was even a thing.

Sorry I think I would just be blunt and say that you are very sad for DD that a commit to spend special time with her means so little to MIL.

People do forget things and grandparents are no exception. They are trying to keep a happy medium between both sets of families and trying not to favourite one or the other, which cannot be easy. They are trying to compromise, so allow them.

I wouldn't miss a nativity. It is a bit crap though!

I think it's best not to see it as a competition, you say DD has a nice relationship with MIL, allow it to bloom xxx

I apologise as I voted you were being unreasonable but that was when I thought it was DGS first nativity play - as MIL as been to last years I think she should prioritise DD first proper visit to Santa.

I agree you should step back and let MIL do the running.

I’m a little torn on this one.

Taken in isolation, I think their solution to this specific dilemma is actually pretty reasonable. The nativity is obviously important and something they’d be expected to attend (they also went last year). This thread is full of “what’s so important about a nativity, why would grandparents care” but the reality is that in some families attending events like this is the norm. They’re not cancelling on you and are actually saying they’re going to spend an extra three hours in the car to make sure they don’t miss the nativity or the entire trip. It’s an obvious effort to be there for both GC.

But this isn’t happening in isolation. It’s understandable that you are particularly frustrated that they won’t put your family and DC first for one day given the history of favoritism and conflict over it. They should have understood the significance of the trip and why changing the plans would be taken this way.

I also think it’s important that this is your DH’s parents and he is not feeling the same way as you or nearly as keen to distance from them. Absent safeguarding issues I’d be mostly letting him lead on the relationship with his family and DC.

So on balance I wouldn’t blow this up or tell them not to come on the trip. I’d probably express disappointment that they would be missing XYZ that day, and ask them to at least consider not staying for a full sit down lunch after the nativity. If there’s an important activity that you can easily shift to avoid them missing it, do it (prioritize the GP relationship over the impulse to not cater to them at all). Then I’d make the best of the trip and try to move forward with the approach you’ve taken to the relationships over recent months.

I would ask my DH to have a quiet word with his sister & ask her if on this one occasion she would mind if his mum spent the whole time with your DD given there has been a lot of anticipation from her about going to see Santa with her Grannie. It's then up to her to have a word with her mum to say please go ahead,we will record it for you. I feel this is as much a sister/sil issue as it is a mum/ mil issue.

I'd be making a point of saying it's a shame you're missing dd's first visit to Santa, lucky she won't remember.

And yes agree that this is perhaps a bit of a sister issue ! Surely you SIL should be saying to MIL not to worry about attending nativity !

When are nativity dates planned? More than 6 months in advance (which would also be the previous school/ nursery year?)? It’s highly unlikely the nativity was in her diary before you booked the holiday - she’s got the nativity date after booking to go away with you and has now decided she’d sooner go to the nativity rather than you trip, otherwise she’d honour her previous commitment.
I would say to her that you are sad she won’t be there for the whole trip and that it had been booked way in advance to make sure everyone could be at the activities planned. Then leave it up to her and FIL.

@Bounty9

I think there is a difference between being a daughter and being a daughter-in-law.

Your mother in law is going to have a closer relationship with her own daughter than with you.

I could see this scenario happening with my mother in law, and I certainly don’t think it’s down to grandchild favouritism. It’s just that my mother in law and her daughter communicate more frequently, readily and easily than mother in law and me.

It sounds like your MIL is trying to accommodate everyone.

I’d just suck it up and have fun. No dramas, no big issues, just let them decide what works best for them.

Having a favourite means that you like that grandchild more. Even if MIL has a preference for her grandson, she should make every effort to ensure that neither child is aware of this. Her behaviour is really poor and bad mannered. Who accepts a paid for holiday and then spends most of the one full day elsewhere?

What has this got to do with prioritising one Grandchild over another. Her sons child is no less of a Grandchild than her daughters child. They should be treated equally. It's up to the daughter not to take advantage by allowing a scenario where her brothers child is made to feel like second best.

Is MIL worried about upsetting SIL? It's a shame that your SIL didn't just say to her parents that they go their first commitment and she will take some pictures/video (if allowed).

I had two DS and my brother has a DD. Our DM tries to be fair with all her grandkids although she probably has a closer relationship with mine because we live much closer and DSIL's family are very involved (and live next door to DB and his family). However, I always tell DM not to worry if she has plans with my DB's family and to go ahead and enjoy herself.

I also have a good relationship with my DN and my DB takes her to visit me sometimes separate from DM.

It is super rude to duck out of an away trip that someone else is paying for when you get a better offer. And to communicate that by text too. That is flat out RUDE.

*have two DS