It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

You’re not wrong op, she’s showing who her favourite is. Just tell her not to bother coming.

Sorry, I do think you're being unreasonable. Your MIL sounds like she's trying to keep everyone happy. I don't want to offend either, but can't see how this trip is a 'treat' for her.

What do you mean? She’s not putting her second - she’s trying to do Both. Regardless of what she should have done on this occasion , OP is clearly holding on to jealousy and resentment about who is the favoured DGC. That’s not healthy and it will never lead anywhere good. OP has nothing to gain from drawing this comparison.

But the OP does have a choice. She doesn't have to go. She can choose to, or choose not to. It's up to the OP to decide if it's worth it.

@Bounty9 OP, when your DH sees MIL tomorrow, will SIL be there as well? I think he should bring it up with the SIL as well - like “Did you know that Mum & Dad are leaving the trip we booked as a treat for them to come and watch the nativity?” She might not know and might have something to say about it, like telling her mum to stick with the original plans, if she knows all the details like how long ago it was arranged. If she doesn’t encourage her mum to stick with the original plans then she’s just as bad.
I feel like you need to get your DP on side to truly be able to get your point across. Kinda annoying that he doesn’t really get it and is being passive - or does he completely get it do you think and is embarrassed/hurt by his parents blatant favouritism, so tries to brush it off like it’s not a big deal?

The visit is for the daughter.
So why would you cancel and make your daughter miss out?
I'm sure they will have a fab time with or without grandparents.

This is absolute rubbish behaviour of your MIL ( and FIL who facilitates it).
Tell them not to bother
Cannot imagine ditching Santa visit for Nativity (that they probably won't even get tickets for- isn't it usually limited to parents attending?)

Really shoddy behaviour

Maybe he doesn’t fully agree and doesn’t want to drive a wedge between his DD and his wider family?

I’d be furious, however you’re never going to change her so you’re going to have to learn how to manage her and the questions your DD asks about why granny treats her cousin differently to her, because she will.

The sun has always shone out of the backside of my niece in my parent’s eyes. She could do no wrong. They’d have walked over broken glass for her, but when DS1 was born they could take or leave him, the same with DS2. When my nephews were born my sister insisted they were treated the same as their sister, so they got all the days out, the treats, the holidays, etc my kids got nothing.

It all came to ahead at a big family event when my dad completely ignored my children, all day, instead he fawned all over my niece and nephew. My kids said to me “can we go, I can’t do this anymore” so we said goodbye to my aunt and uncle and left. 2 days later my mum phoned me to say she’d noticed we’d gone 4hours later, that’s how much she cared.

That was 13yrs ago and my children haven’t seen them since. They have a great-grandson who they have never met and who they probably will never meet, but it’s their own fault entirely. You reap what you sow.

There is clearly a split between how important nativities are in the answers on this thread. In some families they are one of the most important parts of Christmas with children, in others they are a minor thing for parents and not grandparents.

My mum drove 8 hours in three days to be able to attend nativities in two different cities for her various grandchildren. To her it was one of the biggest parts of Christmas and she'd no more miss one than forget to buy a child a present.

My MIL has never been to a single one of any of her grandchildren's school events. DC love them both.

It's clear the OP's MIL values the nativity so is doing a round trip to fit it in while seeing her granddaughter in the mornings and evenings.

The timing sucks. I'm sure the PIL would much rather spend their time at CP than on the road, but they are attempting to be there for both grandchildren after an unfortunate clash of events.

I agree. Can you alter your booking to another date?

I see your point, however they are missing the pre-booked activities with their granddaughter to watch the nativity, she isn’t being there for both grandchildren.

She’s cancelled events with one GC to go to the event of the other.

I was in your DD's position as a child. I was very obviously not the favourite grandchild and my male cousin was. It was due to old fashioned ideas about boys being worth more than girls and him being the future man of the family. I knew it, and everyone else knew it. But honestly, it didn't make much difference to me. I had other people who prioritised and supported me. As I grew older, I bothered less about them as they weren't that interested in me. Their loss.

I think if I were you, I would just accept that your family are not going to be the priority. Your DD will have the relationship she has with her grandmother, and it won't be as close as her cousin's. That's just the way it is and it isn't the end of the world. She has you and her father to support her.

As this is the problem, your MILs take will be that she is stuck in the middle and not that she had a legitimate reason for declining the nativity play - it could be video'd or live streamed.

It's not even a school nativity. The DGS is 3.5 so it's nursery. It's basically dressing up and having the story read and maybe a bit of music - it's not like they'll be able to read themselves. 30 minutes would actually be a stretch I think. Also vanishingly unlikely that there'll be multiple "performances" or rehearsals to watch.

OP, I doubt very much if your MIL would have even considered leaving a big chunk of a holiday with DGS, paid for by her DD, including his first santa visit to travel for hours to come to your DD's nursery nativity so this isn't really an attempt to do both.

@C8H10N4O2 excellent post especially around dd won't notice the favouritism.
It definitely sneaks in and she will notice.

Op your mum is around and interested, your dd is extremely lucky so drop the rope.

This is crazy to me that people are suggesting that the grandma is behaving OK and trying to please everyone. It's an actual booked and paid for holiday and an invitation that has already been accepted, vs (in all likelihood) watching a hikd from a distance say couple of lines in a costume and singing a group song that will lsst 5 minutes and which she has seen similar the year before. She is missing almost the entire day of a short holiday with family. It's absolute madness and completely rude given its your only actual full day all together. Its like missing most of a wedding to go to a last minute book group meeting or something. And she didnt double book, she booked with you then got a better offer. Fuck her OP I'm angry on your behalf

The OP says it isn't even his 1st nativity, so she's already been there for the cutest one 😁

But that's literally my point. Who said anything about cancelling the trip?!

Yeah - she isn't actually double booked, she's just found something she prefers to do.

I'd tell Mil not to bother coming,it'll only upset your dad more when they leave.

I don't get why Mil and Fil are getting sympathy here.
They've made a choice to miss activities of one GC to drive to see a Nativity.
The op is right to be annoyed but in this case her DH has to say something and he needs to stand up for his DD.

@Bounty9
Mumsnet picks up on the most minor details.
I'd advise you to always mix up details, frequently name change, because unbelievably some people will remember a slight detail and try and catch you out!!
It's Maddness.

I’d suggest to MIL she stays at home the entire time and FIL goes with you on the break

I don't get everyone defending MIL here. She'd committed to a holiday. It's rude to then suddenly change plans. And she presumably made plans with you first given you booked it 6mo ago. Yes it sucks she'll miss the nativity, but aren't they more for parents anyway?

its manners. You don't can someone off because you have had a better offer.