It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

I'd be really upset. Centre Parcs is bloody expensive, and I'd imagine you won't do this every year. It's a big thing someone else paying for you to go away. I can't believe they'd leave on the only full day. I would have to speak to them about it.

I do understand how you feel and I think they are wrong, but I wouldn't reply rudely or tell them not to bother coming at all. If your DH agrees, I would reply in a "more in sorrow than in anger" tone: "Oh no! That's really disappointing. We were looking forward to treating you as a thank-you gesture and spending time as a family with you, and I’m sure you would have enjoyed seeing DD's meeting with Santa." You feel justifiably hurt, and I don’t see why you should hide it.

what relationship? The message I see here is "There are people I prefer to spend my time with"

I'm a grandparent and in this scenario it is obviously correct to say, sorry I can't make the nativity this year as I'll be away with Bounty's family - never mind, I'll come next year. The holiday was booked first and the nativity comes round every year so there will be other nativities!

This transactional approach to relationships is ridiculous. The trip was a gift to the iLs, designed for their liking and which they accepted - they were involved in all the arrangements including DD's first visit to Father Christmas which they are now ditching in favour of the other grandchild.

They were not doing the OP a favour by accepting. They are bloody rude to accept and then disappear for the central day. The OP and DH could have saved themselves the money and gone to do something entirely for themselves - I recommend in future that they follow precisely that approach.

But the Grandma in this thread has cancelled going to Santa’s grotto with one grandchild, so that she can go to the nativity of another Grandchild! She is not doing both!

Excellent advice.

Be careful with this.

Eldest Dc is the favourite. Youngest Dc is not and GPs had an obvious favourite and we open about it.

I don’t regret going NC. I’d actually ask my DH to have a proper conversation about favouritism and both the gender difference and the treating of the two genders differently both are unacceptable.

I'd text back and say what you've said here that's basically

'I'm quite disappointed MIL. We have booked and paid for this break for us all and you will not be present for main day. We organised the activities with you in mind and thought it would be lovely to have quality time with DD before Christmas properly starts. It's a real shame you can prioritise this, as you've committed to it first'

If she argues back after that, I'd just tell her outright not to come. She will have found out the date of the nativity WAY after she agreed to the break btw. I think she's being really rude here.

Sorry meant to say mine we obvious and openly showing favourite and it’s just not right.

it can do long term damage both mentally and emotionally to be brought up with grandparents doing this and it needs to be addressed.

What if the child wants to invite her grandparents? More important to score points than consider what the child wants even when she's a 21year old graduate?

Wholly disingenuous to suggest the ILs are doing the Op a favour by attending. They aren't childcare.

They were offered a couple of nights away with a grandchild, accepted the invitation and helped plan the trip.

In my experience the first born grandchild will always trump those that follow particularly if the first born is born to the daughter.

My children were always second best in my MILs eyes. I knew it wasn't going to change and I should just get used to it.

You don't have to go to hers for Christmas. "You'll want to enjoy time with your DGS, so we'll bow out gracefully. Maybe we can see you Boxing Day?"

I don't think you're unreasonable at all OP. It's very obvious that DGS is her priority. Nativities are for parents surely? With my DC it was only ever 2 tickets each, and GPs only ever attend if parents can't.

Why on earth couldn't she say to SIL sorry we're away that date but take some cute photos for us. Your DH sounds very passive. I don't see what's wrong with pointing out that they're being rude and favouring SIL/DGS.

Personally I'd cancel them coming ay all. It would ruin it for me anyway to have them come then leave then come back again. At least if they miss the whole thing you could enjoy it with DH and DD.

Tit for tat will cause loads of hostilities.

Is this really worth it?
Op has already said she will let it go so why add to the venom.

Not how I feel about my GC, they are all special in their own way. The eldest is an adult the youngest is a few months old so totally different relationships but no the eldest does not trump the youngest or the other half dozen dotted about in between.

Hi OP please don’t play the favourite grandchild game. It’s petty and it does no one any favours.
Im sure your MIL loves all her grandchildren and you say she has a great relationship with your DD. Comparison is the thief of joy.

It’s normal for GPs to have a closer relationship with the children or their daughters than their sons. You only have to read MIL threads on mumsnet to understand why!
This does not mean she loves your DD any less.

Op you paid for them so I can understand why your hurt.

I think you need to try and suck it up this time but just drop the rope.
Do you have family? A loving grandma on your side?

I think they should have turned the nativity down but I can also understand it's a really hard choice and you don't usually get nativity dates far in advance.

So she's been in a hard place and probably has a much closer relationship to her daughter who would also be understandable upset they can't make the nativity.

The fact they have committed to driving a fair distance sounds like they are trying to please you both they could have just cancelled.

So I think whilst understandable hurt, try snd remember they are trying to please you both but sil comes first.

So in future, drop the rope, don't try and force things, it maybe they love your dc but unfortunately they are just closer to sil dc.
Don't take it personally just react to that.

"But the Grandma in this thread has cancelled going to Santa’s grotto with one grandchild, so that she can go to the nativity of another Grandchild!"

The Grandparents have cancelled going to Santa's Grotto. Both of them.
But yes this sums it up.

Given the history I would have expected them to be circumspect enough to discuss with you before making different arrangements.

And to cancel by Text! If they had phoned and explained the problem that might have helped smooth things over - announcing it as a done deal by text is just plain rude.

Pretending it is a double booking is ridiculous.

@Tandora but it does mean it's easier for her to put the child second and play favorite??

@Bounty9 says “DD adores her and the time they spend together is lovely” and also that FIL loves spending time with her DD. She also says that she/ her DH do now generally have a good relationship with the MIL/ FIL, separate to the SIL. That’s the relationship I wouldn’t be ruining, it doesn’t seem as though there’s an issue with the child/ GPs at the moment at least.

@GivingitToGod Unfair? What's unfair is an exceptionally rude MIL who has accepted a weekend away, an expensive one at that, but is dumping her hosts for a 30 min nativity play that could be recorded to show her. She's unbelievably rude and ungrateful and I'd never invite her anywhere again.

Jeez they might not even be alive by then.

So much anger around.

Let it go OP as long as your child has a good relationship leave it there.

Life is a Rollercoaster.
Just try to enjoy your moments with your child.
If grandparents going to come great if they change their mind, their loss.

Nativity plays are important. Nothing to do with you doing anything - just priorites. 🙂