BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

The additional information OP has provided has changed my understanding of what looks like a distressing situation for the OP, BiL and SiL. OP it is not right for you to be involved in any way. I hope your DP helps you find a way to make this absolutely clear to BiL and SiL in a way that remains compassionate for them both.

Well said 🙏

Exactly what I was thinking, I would of shut him down straight after the 1st msg.
I'd def tell dp today , don't wait .

If he does mgs again ask him to tell you something that he can't guess or pretend he's forgotten
Ie if you have 2 dd don't ask him their names , ask him your ( nonexistent) sons name.
Or if you don't drive ask him what model/ colour your car is.
If his phone is stolen they will reply something like , I am no good with names / cars / holidays you went on if its your bil he will say , you don't have a son , don't drive , haven't been to xyz.

But I doubt it's stolen , I think he is just been a horrible person.

I am wondering if this some kind of scam /prank - I got a weird email last week that went into trash from someone I know really well ( senior business person) asking if I could respond and help him out with something - except when I clicked on the email it wasn't this persons email address - so I deleted it .

The fact you didn't speak to the person does make me wonder. Did you check the number it came from and not just the name

He's a pervert for forcing explicit images on the OP without her consent.

i agree with others OP, him sending explicit photos and describing encounters is way more than confusion about his sexuality.

he's framing it in that way, but really he is being sexually inappropriate in so some of voyueristic way. Its nasty, and extremely inappropriate.

maybe is some sort of humiliation kink or gods knows, either way tell you DH immediately don't let 24 hours pass.

screen shots as well. i'd also tell his wife, because god knows how may other people he may be harassing inn this way, but discuss with your DH first on next steps.

id honestly seek some advice from people who work in sex therapy or abuse because how safe is he? has he done it before? will the behaviour escalate?

That is the creep tactic. They spread the net wide and push boundaries to test reactions and those with who were taught good emotional and psychological boundaries run a mile (or alternatively strong characters) and those whose boundaries were compromised (or who are naïve characters) make excuses for their predatory behaviour. This is a tale as old as time from predators.

It may have already been suggested, but screenshot everything before he does the 'delete for everyone ' if on WhatsApp.

he was probably off his head on coke.

I'd message him some numbers to get help and tell him he needs to tell his wife before you do.

@LostittoBostik nobody is claiming his sexuality makes him a pervert... what makes him a pervert is having sent sexually explicit images, unsolicited, to his sister in law then asking her to erase the chat and not tell anyone about it.

I know many gay people, and supported a couple of them while they grappled with their sexuality and coming out. None of them would ever have sent me pornographic images in the context of those situations because most right thinking adults understand that is a gross violation of boundaries

You need to take screenshots now because he could clear the chat himself if he wanted to and by thanking you for 'allowing him a safe space' (when you did no such thing), he's making you complicit in it.

It sounds like he was high or pissed but that is absolutely no excuse for being so massively inappropriate and putting you in an incredibly awkward situation.

I'd tell my DP, let him deal with it, then block BIL on everything. Christmas could be awkward though!

He's told himself that you consented to reading/seeing all this ... and he's carefully picked a moment when your partner/husband isn't at home too..

I'd say he's getting off on this, on the turmoil he's caused you and subjecting you to it all, you trying to be kind etc...making you complicit in his secret/lies.

Absolutely, save the messages, tell your partner, tell his wife. I would not let someone use me like that, no fucking way.

It's not the BILs place to send the OP explicit messages.

At the point he decides to do this, the OP has a right to tell whoever the fuck she likes about how it makes her feel and how inappropriate it is.

Definitely tell your dh. Over sharing with an unwilling participant is not the same as a safe space.

I would completely believe he was being pranked by immature mates.

Getting someones phone and fake outing them as gay use to be a really common prank about 15 years ago... obviously they wouldn't answer the phone as they aren't him and you would notice.

I'd bet he was on a lads night and passed out drunk or left his phone at someones house etc...

But lets for one second this is truely real (makes no sense though so doubt it) and he was looking for a safe place (why you?). Its never anyones place to out someone else to their family. Just delete, block and don't speak of it again.

The absolute bare cheek of him! Absolutely do not clear the chat. Show your DH everything. And don’t reply or engage with BIL again.

pp Mentioned a manic episode and I wondered this too - sounds almost frenzied and maybe drug/drink fuelled. He may have been mortified this morning and hoping to save face. It’s still far from ok though to involve you in this.

I don’t think he sent porn - it was the type of men he was attracted to

OP says explicit pictures in her first post

Yes he was 100% getting a kick out of it IMO.

I would definitely be telling my partner, and probably telling him that you’ve told your partner. Maybe save your partner from having to see all of the texts, not sure anyone would need to see that detail about a family member.

Also are you sure that what he’s sent you is legal? Remember what happened to Hugh Edwards when he was sent illegal images (admittedly in his case he appears to have encouraged them). If the pics have been automatically downloaded to your phone you might have already technically committed an offence. If you have the best thing you can do is to send him a text saying you’ve told your DP and that he must never send you anything of that nature again and that he needs to get help via his GP/ other support services, like mental heath. If you’ve got the slightest suspicion that it’s illegal (i.e underage boys) you need to go to the police.

I do not buy this at all. If it was just messages, pouring out how he feels confused, that's one thing. Sending explicit pictures? Nah. That's not a confused cry for help.

Sorry, I missed the ‘explicit’ I think I thought semi naked - whatever, this would be a sex crime - receiving un-solicited sexual images. He could be in a lot of trouble with the law, work, family both immediate and extended. Such bizarre behaviour he must have been intoxicated or having a breakdown.

Difficult to know how to proceed. Maybe ask if he’s ok and see what his response is, but but withholding from DP would be tempting but a mistake due to the sexual nature which could have all sorts of fallout if DP discovered it himself. He’ll probably be outraged but perhaps also concerned for his brother’s mental state. If BIL complains that he has been outed by you, OP, you can say you were concerned as to his welfare as no right-minded person would have done what he did - if he denies that nature of things then you can say you are justifiably outraged that he thought that was ok to do in the first place - intoxication is no defence in the law and unless it was involuntary and his drink was spiked he could be arrested or at least cautioned for what he has done.

If his wife is OP's sister she should show her.

You should never give your students your personal phone number. That would be a safeguarding concern.