BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

@User8563029648123578
Another reason these men message their wives friends is because they enjoy the fact they’ve made people who love their wife deceive them… they can manipulate the person by saying ‘if you tell her you’ll break her heart/damage our marriage etc… the wives best friend, sister etc is less likely to gossip about it, and once the ‘secret’ has been kept once the man continue to manipulate these women because each time they keep the secret they’re more and more ‘in it’ with the man because they’ve known for months/years and haven’t said anything…
I’ve been on the end of this when a friends husband started messaging me… all started off innocent, then started off loading marital issues to me, then came the flirting and inappropriate comments.. I had to politely make excuses not to message.. I couldn’t tell my friend because I was scared he’d turn it back on me and say I’d been the one initiating things… anyway she discovered messages to another woman and left him… she noticed immediately how the messages to her were one sided and manipulative… she later discovered that wasn’t the worst he’d done but sadly the police had no evidence so couldn’t do anything!
I wonder who else@Calmondeck BIL messaged that hasn’t come forward !

This isn’t about anyone needing to shame him or blackmail him… you sound worse then him

I’m not talking about him. Did you look at the post I am replying to?

This. 100% this

You are a powerful woman and very clear thinking. I wish I had always been so in my life

Yeah I was replying to the other person .. but it tagged you

I would definitely tell my DP as you never know what may come of this in the future. It could come back to bite you if you weren’t open and honest with your DP. Don’t put your relationship at risk for the sake of your BIL‘s strange obsession.

Have you responded to any of the messages?

It IS attention seekin ONLY
> Guess what - ALL this just PROVES that it WORKS - I DON`T make the rules

Dear god, can you just write posts normally? Without all the hyperbole, histrionic capitalisation, and gibberish? It’s painful.

You don't need to read the whole thread, but you do need to read all the OP's posts, which is easy enough.

Yep exactly

Embarrassing when there's been several updates and posters are still answering the first post as if it's hot off the press

Sometimes I don’t get an email about a new thread until it’s been established a few days! Didn’t realise.

I’d be assuming it was either someone has his phone or some guys are messing about. I’ve known guys do that sort of thing when others have left their phone behind

@James1123 it's probably worth reading the thread (or at least the OP's posts).

Then you’d be mistaken. See all OP’s posts on the thread

I would say not psychotic because he has since tried to walk back and reframe what he did, covering his tracks and deflecting blame.

OP I'm a little confused by all of this. Both the interaction which led to it, your reaction and apparently everyone else in the comments.

First, what do you think he wanted to get out of it? He could be getting off on sending you explicit pictures. But there's other possibilities no? Like, as you clarified, he's having something of an identity crisis, repressed feelings coming out. Did he mention any kind of life crisis or juncture where he wants to explore bisexuality. Further you mention that his wife is aware - did he suggest that's still the case? Why did he choose you for this "conversation"? It's extreme but is there anything leading up to it that would have given him the impression that's it's okay? Either as a listening ear or sharer of his fantasy?

Second, now it's happened what to do? Depending on why he sent you the messages he must assume you'll tell your husband. If you aren't comfortable with this happening again, tell brother in law that's the case, and block him if you need to. Not sure if I'd tell the wife. It doesn't sound like it'll be the revelation to her that it is to you. Lots of families avoid dealing with "the big lie" - if they need to deal with it it's up to them. I don't think I would want to break up a marriage unless he was directly harming her (money on escorts, unprotected sex etc).
But again you must set the terms on how to go forward and block if you need to.

Third, the reaction on this board calling him a perv and more is a little disappointing? It sounds like the guy is normally closeted. OP is understandably shocked but being gay/bisexual is hardly wildly unheard of. I mean hopefully OP and her husband can talk it through, but I get an inkling this might not be the case for him. And this could be at the root of him acting out

Have you considered if it could his wife testing you, I'm suspicious because he didn't answer the phone.

Perhaps trying to see your opinions on same sex relationships on a provocative manner.
Or together with wife, a bad joke to check your reaction, and see whether you'd be faithfully silent and not refer.

Sounds strange to me, as you say you barely are in contact with him.

OP is not his therapist, if he needs to explore his identity he should do that with a therapist. Sending dick pics to your SIL and other women is not appropriate. Its abuse. People need to stop making excuses for abusers.

If you're referring to my post, yes I agree. It's entirely up to OP how much she gets involved. Her priority is her own self. Especially given that it sounds like he might have broken the law. Some of the other 500! posts are giving more context. Is it significant that it's women family members he messaged?

I get the impression you have not read all of OPs posts on this thread. Also gay/bisexual people do not routinely send hardcore porn to their partner’s multiple friends and relatives. That is a massive unwarranted overstep and it is this element which has triggered many posters on the thread.

I agree with other answers about your BIL getting off on it. Also, does he know that your DP is away? I'm willing to bet he does. He's used homosexual acts to get you to feel that he's no threat, to condition and groom you. Next he will ask how you give B jobs and it will escalate from there He's a secretive pervert but a pervert nonetheless. Tell your partner everything and show him the evidence, let him deal with it. Lock your doors and block him on your phone.

This is a ludicrous suggestion. So the wife is sending explicit pornographic images to her sister in law and two other women so assess their acceptance of gay relationships? What nonsense.

God, some of the comments on here.

It's not really bizarre or perverted, he's obviously gay and trapped in a marriage he doesn't want to be in, and you felt like a safe space.

Can we stop all the drama? It's really sad.