BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

Absolutely this. I’d have been so horrified I’d have deleted and blocked after the first text. One and a half hours? Either someone’s got hold of his phone or OP is having us on

At first I thought it was a genuine appeal for help. He was saying he was worried about these feelings, this isn’t who he wants to be etc., It was so erratic. One moment saying he needed help, next moment writing about a past experience.

Maybe sounds naive but I thought he must be drunk or on drugs which had triggered some tipping point where he just needed to disclose this information. I was trying to be open minded and thinking I can’t shame him - he wouldn’t be the first married person to realise they’re gay - but at the same time I was just like wtf is happening.

I have a toddler and baby so these texts were coming in as I was picking 1,000 bits of rice off the kitchen floor, cleaning up from the chaos of the day, showering,etc. I wasn’t texting throughout. But yes, at some point I went from thinking he needs help to this is totally inappropriate. Maybe not the right approach but I just told him I needed to sign off blaming my baby waking.

When I woke there were more messages - which made me think he didn’t see what I said, or didn’t care whether I was there or not.

Ive just texted my DP asking him to call me when his work day is done.

I'd text him and tell him you are telling DH and you don't want to ever receive anything like that again. This is not a problem you need be involved in and if he wants to offload to someone it should be his brother or someone else.

Then tell your DH and let him deal with it.

What a weirdo.

Ooft, that’s kind of worrying OP. I’d leave aside the ‘it was a turn on for him’ hypothesis and tell your partner, with screen shots, regardless of whether he’s overseas or not. Your BIL might be having some sort of mental health episode and it’s not ridiculous to think his erratic behaviour may escalate. Someone needs to do some sort of welfare check (it shouldn’t be you). Once it’s established he’s not in the grip of some sort of episode that might cause danger to himself or others, the ‘whys’ of his behaviour can be gone into further, if necessary. It’s arguable he’s already broken the law, he needs some sort of intervention.

That’s such a bizarre situation that I’d tread very carefully as he can’t be in his right mind. I think I’d block his number now. Tell your husband everything and let him handle it.

what the hell do family gatherings look like now?!’n 🫤🤦🏻‍♀️🙈

It does sound as though it was him who sent it, unfortunately. Hang on to it, screenshot, etc. I originally thought that could be why the man's poor wife was ringing you and now you have updated, I'm convinced of it so I now do think it's important to tell your husband.

This is awful for you, I'm so sorry. Whatever the guy has done, or does, he had no right to inflict such photographs on you. That is seriously weird and I can't imagine how his poor wife is feeling.

You take care of yourself. I'm glad your husband is home in a few days.

Wtaf. I hope your only reply was ‘I don’t think I’m the person you should be sending this to’ and blocking him.

There’s telling you he’s confused about his identity and asking your thoughts on where he goes from here.
And there’s sending you pornographic images which was totally unnecessary.
Its either mates have taken his phone and it’s their idea of a joke.
Or he was getting a kick out of sending you the images. To me it sounds like in lieu of exposing himself but I might be overthinking.

You need to tell your husband and let him deal with BIL and I’d also text BIL and tell him his texting and especially sending images was way out of order.

This wasn't a confession, it was quite clearly a pleasure session

I'd tell DP and get him to his speak to his brother (are they close?)

Screenshot everything.

Tell him to never do that again. And that he must tell his wife and your DP what he said or you will

He's not a pervert for being gay or bi.

Sounds like he's having a massive crisis

But I would tell DH and possibly even his wife tbh. Because she deserves to know.

Whatever you do, you need to do SOMETHING, otherwise you are going to be bombarded with texts like this every time BIL gets horny/confused. He could be testing to see whether or not you react, or whether you are going to be a repository for his fantasies every time he gets a bit hot under the collar.

So you need to let him know that you won't keep his secrets, whichever way you choose to do this.

This is boundary testing, all predators do it. It is how they choose their victims. Tell your DH immediately so you are not covering his tracks for him. His mind is warped he will twist thinking his own mind that you telling is worse than him sending the messages. How will your DH respond?

He can’t tell you to keep secrets from your partner. He’s clearly getting off on involving you, why else would he have sent photos? I assume you already know what a dick looks like so it adds nothing to his story! Filthy sod.

The photos he sent weren’t of men giving and receiving oral, as far as I understood, it was pictures of men he was attracted to. Is that right, OP?

Err... could it be some sort of prank? It'd still be awful, of course, but it would be another kind of worry...
I would definitely tell my DP, though. I personally feel it's a violation of trust and of your boundaries, and you deserve to tell it to your partner to get him to help you ensure this never happens again.
"Best" case, it's a (horrible) prank; worst case, your BIL is seriously a creepy boundary pusher. Either way, you better limit contact with this sinister individual...

@Calmondeck

from your updates I suspect he was drunk and is in a bit of a crisis.

Maybe he's already seeing someone/on Grindr and is just sort of floating the information about his true self to see how it lands.

Given your updates about his past I would tell his partner. And tell her to have protected sex.

I'm inclined to agree with @Annabella92.

Quite convenient that he felt the need to unburden himself to you when he knew your DP was out of the country. Disgusting pervert (not because he fancies men but because of what he's done to you).

I would have replied after the first text telling him that it’s disgusting and not appropriate then blocked him

I agree being gay or bi does not make someone a pervert but sending explicit photographs (porn) to another person, uninvited, is perverted. He obviously now wishes he hasn't but from what he said, thanking the op for being a safe space, etc, he now sees her as a confidante.

He does need help but his sister in law is not the person to give it, it's totally unfair and you just do not send porny photographs to people.

OP, it doesn't sound like he was creating a safe space to share his struggles with his sexuality. It sounds like he was getting off on making you complicit in his sexual fantasies. That's a huge red flag and I'd immediately be raising it with your DP.

Exactly this. It's extremely manipulative to use 'safe space' to try to force you into secrecy. I hate it how creeps take terms that are meant to make vulnerable people feel safe and use it to cover their own pervy power-play. Please do not get pressured into covering for him or keeping this secret. It is absolutely not on for him to force you into his unsolicited sexual fantasies and I have no doubt it turned him on. If he really wanted help or advice, why the hell would he ask his sister in law?? It's so creepy and needs to not be kept a dirty little secret.

He's a very dangerous disturbed man.

Explicit pictures though, so what's the difference? It wasn't about their nice smile.

Sounds like he was implicating you in his fetish/exploration of sexuality.