BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

Poor OP! He sounds insane... Definitely tell your sister. What a weird & nasty thing to happen.

"I appreciate the safe space" - how very manipulative!

THIS.

Absoluetely.

Its is 100% a problem to give students you personal number. More so if they are under 18. (Even if they are over 16).

His poor wife- it seems so weird to suddenly talk to you like that out of the blue- be careful.
Make sure you are never alone w him.

I can't believe after the few first messages u didn't ring your husband tbh and be like wtf?? Why did you just let it carry on?

Tell your partner. No good will come if keeping it to yourself

It sounds like he can't afford to phone Niteflirt. I'd bill him for £2.99 a minute.

I think, similar to if you knew he were cheating, you have to tell his wife. Maybe manic, but in that case he needs to be on meds. Immature friends- really?

My ex BIL (married to XH sister) told me he was gay and how upset he was at recently splitting up with his boyfriend.

I never told XH or XSIL. I knew from her that they no longer had sex, and I respected the fact he had confided in me, although I was surprised to be his chosen confidante. I didn’t ever know if his wife was fully aware, but they are still together after 25 years of marriage.

In this situation though it’s different as BIL is basically sending you gay porn. I agree with PP, block him and talk to DH.

“Offloading genuine worries verbally or written through text is one thing, I’d have been concerned and happy to support. Sending explicit photographic images is a crime and I will be considering my next steps. I will be informing DH, Don’t contact me again.”

Of course screenshot first then block. He will absolutely minimise this/make it out to be your issue so get those screenshots ASAP.

Show your DP, show his wife, block him on everything. His wife needs to know he’s doing that. He may be having gay sex fantasies but telling unconsenting women is part of what he was getting off on.

He is not confiding in you that he’s gay, he is making you participate in his sex fantasy.

It almost seems like a cry for help or change. On some level he probs knows it's going to get back to his wife and then they'll have to break up. Seems like he's not plucked up the courage to end it himself.

i was once scammed whereby someone had hacked into my phone and changed a contact by one number in their phone number. Then they sent vile texts from that phone number - because they had changed the contact i had no idea and thought it was her. I double checked with a friend and we realised the phone numbers were very slightly different. It was the strangest thing!! They also knew the name of her boyfriend - because I guess they would have had access to all her other messages where he was mentioned

Don't you think it strange that he declined to talk and wanted to do it by text. Any chance someone could have got their hands on his phone and done this to cause trouble in his relationship? Maybe someone who knows him?

I would ring and speak with him and clarify the situation because it is not appropriate to off load this on you without warning - if it was actually him.

1.5 hrs!? For real? At no point say what 20 seconds in did you not think to actually RING HIM and say Phil mate what the f are you on? Pack it in now before I put DH on and ring your wife.

Ah no of course not. You're the generation that buys something off FB and then sends a text to say 'I"m outside'

I despair! What the hell are you now going to tell your husband? DH , he just went on for 1.5 hrs and I got confused! Deary me.

Bloody hell!

Safe space? Bollocks to that. He used YOU for his fantasies, without any permission, texted what for 1.5 hours? Did you reply?

Tell your dh immediately and his wife. He doesn't get to boss you about having done this.

I’ve now spoken with my DP - he was surprised his brother confided this, assumed he was high on drugs, and said he knew about some past experimental gay sex when he was a young adult. So at least that confirmed this wasn’t a scam. DP was running to a meeting so asked to speak more later. It wasn’t exactly an outraged response - so perhaps I’m just going to learn there’s a lot to my BiL I didn’t know.

The issue isn't your BIL is gay. Your dh needs to be outraged his brother has sent all this to his partner!

This!!! Are you meant to be a dumping ground for explicit verbal diarrhea and sexual images just because a man is conflicted about his sexuality OP??

Exactly. If your husband is fine with this you have a HUGE problem.

It sounds like it's extremely out of character .

I'd be worried he's having a mental break episode. I've seen this kind of thing before, and it's turned out that the person has become unwell.

I'd handle this sensitively and wouldn't be too hasty to label him until you've got a clearer picture of his well-being. But yes absolutely disclose to your husband, but try and get him not to rush in all guns.

i think you are being sidetracked by the fact he was talking about taboo oral sex with a man. It’s not about that. If he had texted his brothers wife at home with her children, knowing her dh was away, to tell you he really wanted oral sex with a woman or even with his wife you would think he was a pervert to be targeting you that way. If he poured those images into your mind and then told you not to tell anyone, you’d think he was a creepy grooming manipulative shit if a pervert. You would be right.

My dh would be furious if his brother used me in this way and so should yours.

You never agreed to be his 'safe place' before he literally dumped all that on you without input from a distance.

I'm glad you've told your DP. Hopefully he can talk to his brother about what's going on and support him if he needs it.

1.5 hours of explicit fantasy and images is not confiding. If your husband doesn’t see this as pretty grim sexual harassment you also have a DH problem as well as a BIL problem.

Gay men can sexually harass women and some do.

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