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Original poster

BiL explicit texts - WWYD

509 replies

Calmondeck · 20/11/2024 13:15

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

OP posts:
Chenecinquantecinq · 20/11/2024 13:58

I think you'd need to explain why this went on for 1.5 hours, I mean if I were in that situation I would have shut it down far sooner than 1.5 hours even if that meant a block.

TheDogBartholomew · 20/11/2024 13:59

SlightlyJaded · 20/11/2024 13:53

I would send a text along the lines of.

"I've just seen your text of today. To be clear, I am still reeling from the deluge of unsolicited and inappropriate descriptions of your sexual fantasies last night, and this is not something I feel comfortable keeping from DH. Please don't contact me in this way again. If you need someone to talk to, I suggest your own partner or a therapist."

I'd go with 'why do you think I need to know this?' and a vomit emoji.

Uricon2 · 20/11/2024 13:59

RandomMess · 20/11/2024 13:29

It's likely he's told you these things because telling you is a turn in for him.

This. Why is he involving you if it's not a turn on? He could either watch relevant porn or go on Grindr.

He's testing your boundaries. It will be harder to tell your DP if he does it again and I think he will.

Safe space my backside.

Mirabai · 20/11/2024 13:59

Calmondeck · 20/11/2024 13:27

Yes indeed, I’m still feeling WTF. There was too much personal info within the texts for it to be a scam. My DP doesn’t return from o/s for a few days so I want to think about how to approach it. I was particularly worried about his wife but he said she already knew he’d had these fantasies/acted upon them in the past before they got together, so she thinks it’s a thing of the past/something from his 20s. He was grappling in the texts with his current identity as a family man, but a renewed desire to have gay oral sex “maybe 4 times a year” to satiate this desire. It was a complete stream of consciousness from him where he didn’t seem to require my input or feedback.

Well he could suck his own dick.

Otherwise, yes keep thread and show partner.

GreenGrass28 · 20/11/2024 14:00

If this is very out of character and not in keeping with the type of relationship you have, my first thought would be to be concerned about his mental health and / or possible drug / alcohol use that may have caused him to have the misguided notion that these where somehow appropriate messages. For that reason, I'd share everything with your dh and as his brother, he should check on his wellbeing.

Mirabai · 20/11/2024 14:02

Uricon2 · 20/11/2024 13:59

This. Why is he involving you if it's not a turn on? He could either watch relevant porn or go on Grindr.

He's testing your boundaries. It will be harder to tell your DP if he does it again and I think he will.

Safe space my backside.

Show quote history

I totally agree. A confession would look very different.

This is just 90 mins of him turning himself on.

NiftyKoala · 20/11/2024 14:03

Newname85 · 20/11/2024 13:17

WTF? I’d show it all to your DP and cut contacts with him.
tell his wife ? Up to you.

This. You have to show DP and no way would I speak to him again. I'd send them to tbe wife as well since he most likely is doing this stuff and putting her health in danger.

Mrssmith3 · 20/11/2024 14:04

My first thought would be he has lost his phone. But yes tell your dp.

Dollychopsporkchops · 20/11/2024 14:05

@Calmondeck take screenshots and video record now before he starts deleting everything. Send them all to his wife and your dp. Tell him never to contact you again

Pinkelephant66 · 20/11/2024 14:05

😂 my guess is someone has stolen his phone

TheTruthICantSay · 20/11/2024 14:10

YOu are the victim here but having said that, I don't know why you didn't tell him to stop immediately after the first message or two, and, if necessary, block him. I appreciate you probably didn't know what to do.

The reality is that he has gotten off on sending you these messages. It is, in my opinion, a form of sexual assualt - he has forced you to take part in his sexual fantasies and preferences without your consent.

I would text him back right now saying that no, you will not be keeping this fro your DH, you also do not want him to ever talk to you or send you any such messages again and that you expect a complete and fullsome apology. I'd be inclined to say you never want to see or speak to him again too but I imagine that is tricky.

KittyEmK · 20/11/2024 14:10

Could he be having a breakdown or medical issue that would cause him to behave strangely?

NeedToChangeName · 20/11/2024 14:12

ThreeTescoBags · 20/11/2024 13:21

I'd text him once to tell him what he sent wasn't OK and that he's not to text you again. Then I'd get straight on to your DP, tell him everything and send him the screenshots of the entire thing. This wasn't your doing, don't cover for him and don't give him the opportunity to twist the narrative with your DP at a later date.

Don't forward the images on to anyone else, even your DP. Sharing obscene images is an offence

HowToSaveAWife · 20/11/2024 14:12

Huge coincidence if the messages came from someone who stole his phone, given his history of experimentation prior to marrying SIL.

Either off his head on coke, having an episode, has a brain tumor or is turning himself on by telling you. It seems to be all in the risk for him - and he's risking quite a lot by telling you because obviously you have to tell DH.

Save all the messages. Show DH. Consider telling SIL, but don't give BIL the heads up.

An outside bet, but could it have been SIL using his phone to message you that to test your loyalty to her?

Sceptical123 · 20/11/2024 14:13

Peopleinmyphone · 20/11/2024 13:33

This is so bizarre that I'd be questioning if he needs some urgent help with his mental health. Possibly.

Agree with others to tell your husband but not his wife at this point. That's probably what I'd do.

Yes, it would have been better for everyone involved if he’d called Samaritans or another helpline instead of spilling the beans so close to home! Did he know his brother was away? Sounds like he was on drink or drugs which led to this confession

TwattyMcFuckFace · 20/11/2024 14:14

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

How are people NOT assuming the messages were being sent by someone else? 😳

Of all the different possible explanations on this thread, I'd say that one's the most blindingly obvious.

NoTouch · 20/11/2024 14:15

“I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

How much did you go along with the "chat" last night? Surely when he started sending explicit images it was obvious there was an issue and you told him it was inappropriate and cut it dead?

Tell you dp to call you when he is free to talk today and share the entire chat with him. Do not engage further with your BIL until your dp had a word with his brother.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 20/11/2024 14:16

Imo he has no right to expect you to keep such a seedy secret from your dh. He may have no respect for his spouse but you do (don't you?!) telling your dh is the very least you should be doing. Telling his dw too. He is putting her sexual health at risk if he has ever acted on his fantasies... Block him after you have screen shot all the messages....

NeedToChangeName · 20/11/2024 14:16

SHARING OBSCENE IMAGES IS A CRIMINAL OFFENCE

DO NOT FORWARD THEM TO YOUR DP OR THE MAN'S PARTNER

JFDIYOLO · 20/11/2024 14:16

Tell your husband immediately. Don't sit on it.

If the phone has been stolen he can have that conversation immediately and it's all cleared up and you can relax.

If it was him tho, your husband will need to have THAT conversation, too.

And tell his wife. She needs to know, and to get tested - he may have been doing more than fantasising.

If it comes out later and they both find out you will have broken both their trust if you don't tell them today.

Helixpoint · 20/11/2024 14:16

why on earth did you not shut this down and let it go on for 90mins?

tell your husband immediately

coxesorangepippin · 20/11/2024 14:17

'kindly clear the chat'

🤔 🤔

Er, no, I'll keep it thanks

CactusPeach · 20/11/2024 14:19

Who is your partner's sibling? The BIL or his wife? I would only tell DP if it is his brother.

Mekumeku · 20/11/2024 14:22

Sounds like he got drunk last night and opened up to you. I don't think it was a mate's prank as it would have been more silly. What you are saying he wrote sounds real (and more common than we would like to think, probably).
I'm a little torn, part of me would want to help him keep his secret, as I've said (and done) many stupid things in the past before I quit drinking. But there could be a more sinister aspect to it - maybe he got off on talking to you about it - and the fact that he is your BIL makes me think it's probably a good idea to tell your partner, on the understanding that he deals with it discreetly.

sandyhappypeople · 20/11/2024 14:22

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

how on earth did you let it go on for so long without interrupting this 'stream of consciousness'? to say, 'hang on, I don't think it is appropriate for you to disclose/want to discuss anything like this with me'.

Don't even consider not telling your DH about this, and I'd be messaging the BIL back to tell him that, you could apologise for any confusion, but tell him if he needed to keep this sort of thing secret from you DH the he shouldn't have told you about any of it, as it's puts you in too awkward of a position.

Why didn't you shut it down straight away?!