BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

@Calmondeck did he know your DH is currently away? If he did that's worse

Stole his phone yet knew the name of OP's DP and his sister in law somehow?

could you please explain how this went on for 1.5 hours? what did you reply, if anything? and why didnt you shut it down??

OP, it doesn't sound like he was creating a safe space to share his struggles with his sexuality. It sounds like he was getting off on making you complicit in his sexual fantasies. That's a huge red flag and I'd immediately be raising it with your DP.

At best, your BIL has no respect for your boundaries. At worst, he was actively messaging you to get off on sending you those images.

I was about to say the same

Sounds far more like someone stole the phone and thought it was funny in the pub. Men do this all the time…

none the less. No secrets. Tell everyone. Record it all. Get to the bottom of it.

This. All day long.

Wtf 🤯

You're a teacher and you give your personal mobile number out to pupils? That would be a huge no-no in the educational authority I work for.

Depends on who stole the phone.

Are you male or female OP?
Is it your partner's brother, or your sisters husband?

I think its quite odd that it continued so long unless you were texting back?

I think id respond that you didnt offer or agree to be his safe space to talk about his sexual fetishes, and to not message you again

Keep the text whether you tell your husband or not. Don't respond to him. How dare he! I wonder if that is why your sister in law wants to talk, she's probably found out and needs to confide. No doubt she will phone you. Poor woman - and poor you! You really don't need to be dragged into this sordid business, do cover your back.

I don’t really understand why you let this go on for an hour and a half. Did you respond to him in any way at all during this time or was it completely one-sided? Not trying to criticise, but if you responded to it at all he might try to twist it to sound like you encouraged him, if confronted about it by your DH.

Yes, well it wasn't at mine! I wasn't in a school and all of the staff had all of their students' numbers.

What happened during the 1,5 hours? Did you engage with him during this time, and if so, what did you say? Or did he just keep sending them with no response from you? Didn't you see them until later?

Over 15 years ago now, though.

I'm not sure why you went past the first message, OP. Why didn't you shut it down at that point?

I would send a text along the lines of.

"I've just seen your text of today. To be clear, I am still reeling from the deluge of unsolicited and inappropriate descriptions of your sexual fantasies last night, and this is not something I feel comfortable keeping from DH. Please don't contact me in this way again. If you need someone to talk to, I suggest your own partner or a therapist."

I think it's odd. The first odd text I'd be screenshotting and sending to my husband with a WTF??

You shouldn't sit on this. Tell your husband before he gets home and let him speak to his brother.

@Calmondeck

It would have been one thing if he had simply confided his 'needs' to you. That might be understandable, depending on your relationship. But the fact that he sent you pornographic images indicates he wasn't looking for a 'safe space', he was involving you in his kink to get a sexual thrill from it.

Do NOT communicate with BiL in any way. Tell your DH when he gets home and show him the images. Tell DH that he needs to deal with his brother.

Personally, I think SiL needs to know because BiL appears to be escalating his behaviour. It's up to you and DH whether or not you feel that info should come from you ('woman to woman') or from DH.

Sounds like he might have been on drugs or something, if this wasn't a manic episode. Got on the coke or something like that and just completely overshared with that false confidence and talkativeness.

Or it's a prank, or it's harassment, where he either wanted to or was totally comfortable with making you feel uncomfortable. Talking to you like that unsolicitedly is very invasive.

The fact he didn't answer and did it all by text, I'm wondering if it was really him.

Screenshot all of it so that you have proof, then you 100% need to speak with your partner and then personally I’d block him and let him deal with his brother. This was totally done to push your boundaries and make you feel unsafe. I don’t think it’s coincidental that your partner is abroad right now.

I would not have engaged in this kind of conversation for 1.5hrs, strange he asked to chat then wouldn't answer call. Possibly someone messing around on his phone as others have suggested.

Would definitely show DP - provided you didn't send anything appropriate or drawing out the conversation