BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

Got time to write pointless messages though haven't you @NeedSomeHeadspace.

Really, she shouldn’t, that’s the equivalent of asking a flasher if he’d like to talk about it with you - only worse as this guy actually gets off on having women having to listen to his sexual fantasies.

Your BIL is manipulative and massively abusive. He cannot tell you that you are a “safe space” for him (a way to coerce you into participating in what gets him off) and then proceed to dump all his toxic sex obsessions on you. This is abuse. I would report it to the police.

Thank you! The voice of reason. You can’t force yourself onto people like this when it comes to more vanilla issues. But this guy has literally sent you gay porn and is getting off on that. Report him. You have no obligations to participate in this BS at all.

Are you serious

Hey @Calmondeck hope you’re ok? Any updates?

There will be more people he has done this too and it will continue if something isn’t done!
I would report and I would take the wife out for a coffee and explain how serious this is. Tell her u will be there for her but block bil.

I hope u are not too traumatised? Shock can stop u from doing the right thing.

There is a facility to filter so that you only read the OP's posts. Click 'see all' on the corner of the OP of any longish thread, and you'll be able to read the OP 's updates, and so not look foolish by posting something that has already been explained.

You posted that at 5:30am. Let the woman sleep for goodness sake.

How insightful of you. I'm sure the OP hasn't already been beating herself up with thoughts like this already 🙄 are you going to berate the wife and her best friend too? This cretin is 100% responsible for his own actions. Catching well meaning women off guard and playing to their better nature is entirely how these creeps get their kicks. Victim blaming has no place on a thread like this.

Why on earth would you post without reading the OP's posts? What do you think you are contributing responding to a post from days ago that has been updated several times since? This is a genuine question as I can't fathom what goes through people's minds when they take the time and effort to write something that would almost certainly be out of date.

Someone suggested the idea that he'd been hacked within a few posts of the start of the thread. Several hundred posts later if you think it's still a relevant question, why not check or don't take the time to post? Reading just OP's posts would have made it clear.

Partner takes no responsibility

My partner is a kind and loving man who works hard. However he takes zero responsibility for anything around the house and garden. He spent a lot of money in the summer on a garden bar, fire pits and despite me reminding him several times still hasn’t covered them for the winter. Our heating system has been faulty recently and I’ve had to make all the calls to plumbers. He’s not even been checking it. He orders a mindful chef meal for us once a month and this month has forgotten to make it. You should see the state of the spare room that he’s taken on as his music room. Whenever I speak nicely it’s ‘later’ and if I get cross then he stops speaking because of the way I’ve spoken to him. I also work hard in my job and do all the housework, cooking and shopping. I end up doing everything because otherwise the house would fall apart.
Hes 61. Is this my life now? Doing everything as we get older?
How do I change things or is that unreasonable?

My guess is that he has no interest in male oral sex one way or the other. He was feeling horny and was getting off on the shock he imagined that you must be feeling.

There is absolutely no reason in the world he'd pick you as his confidante, if he thought he were gay.

What a horrible man.

Not more fool her at all.
she’s got a young family and probably no where to go, he’s probably convinced her that he wanted her to find out, that he’s wanted to tell her for ages but couldn’t, that he’s desperately guilty and feels depressed about these intrusive thoughts… she’s probably unaware that he’s abusing her as so many are in these situations.

Yes I have read the updates from OP. Agree its beyond a momentary lapse in judgement or a cry for help, its just plain wrong.

Sometimes I struggle to undertand how grown adults ( on this thread , not the OP ) can be so gullible!

He didn’t message “ people “, he messaged women.

He didn’t choose three of his own female friends , his mother, his auntie, his female colleagues - he chose 3 of his WIFE’S closest friends / relatives.

He didn’t choose 3 of his own gay or lesbian friends , he chose 3 straight women.

He wasnt hacked - he sent a message first asking if they could chat.

He didn’t want to speak on the phone, he specifically wanted to send messages and images of porn.

He didn’t message asking where he could go for counselling / support for his issues about his sexuality, he sent porn.

He wasn’t drunk - he messages the next day trying to rebrand his offending as “having a safe space “. He misused this concept of safety to try to coerce and manipulate these women into silence and to pretend that it www mutual and that they had consented.

If they had been foolish enough to keep it secret, he would no doubt have used this against his wife or the other women or their partners at a later date. He might even have used it to blackmail them .

He didn’t choose images of straight sex with other women, in case that made him a “ bad man “ for wanting to cheat on his wife. He sent messages and images about gay sex because that apparently makes him a poor troubled man who needs sympathy and support.

I actually find these “ poor lamb he needs help “ comments really homophobic. Normal gay men and lesbians don’t send porn to their partners close relatives, really they don’t . If they use porn, they think it’s for consenting adults in private, not for their un consenting sister in law who has her kids with her in the car. They have exactly the same boundaries around these things as heterosexual people.

This man is sexually aroused by transgressing all these women’s boundaries . Not any woman, only those closest to his wife. It’s about power .

This is not a “ gay “ issue, it’s not a “ cry for help “ , it’s a pervert / sexual offender/ controlling abusive man issue.

My daughters at college and they have mobile numbers for most their teachers
What her teachers often don't realise is that when they text my daughter it's actually my phone they reach since she's special needs, none of their messages have ever been anything other than 100% above board

All of this!

A few possible things-

1. reestablish what boundaries you need with bil regards to communication, take control in whatever way feels appropriate for you, that may mean cut off or directly responding whatever feels safer.
2. bil sounds porn addicted and confused about that- there’s nothing no wrong with him having his own personal fantasies - there is something horribly wrong with projecting pornographic content onto another without their consent - consider feeding back if it’s safe or bringing awareness when/if you discuss with dp about porn addiction and support services to stop it and clarifying that this behaviour is violent and intrusive and that it’s a good idea to talk about feelings rather than watching porn, maybe therapy could help.
3. it sounds like bil is either gay or bi and seeking support and acceptance to come to terms with this himself and maybe come out later. Obviously his cry for help /attention with sharing a load of porn is unacceptable because it’s disrespectful to you. The pain behind that is that he’s struggling to accept his sexuality and suffering with shame and secrecy issues.. it’s ok to feel compassion here regards to that. The guy is obviously lost and confused and it’s sort of sad that he’s married but in the closet.
4. you don’t have to take any of that on- but it sounds like this stuff is coming up and dp is perhaps required to step up and hold space for rebalancing here, because it’s his/her family.

@User8563029648123578 totally !! And a bit less of the 'oh poor him' from others .

Report to the police, suggest the other women do the same, then block and go NC.
What he's doing is a sexually motivated crime, and it's not your job to in anyway unpack that or fix it so that his wife is OK.
You're very likely the tip of an iceberg here, and you can't in anyway trust that he's a safe man to be around.

Hi everyone, thanks for the supportive comments, and especially to those who have shared their experience being in support call centres. That really resonated with me. My BiL was saying things like he was worried he was going to act, he didn’t want to break up his family, felt like he’d lost all control etc etc., in between the explicit images and thoughts, and I felt very confused as to how to react in the moment. His messages were erratic - alternating between (seemingly) rational thoughts and then completely random disclosures - that I genuinely felt I had to stay on the line to appeal to the rational part of him.

I found out about the other women because I spoke to my BiL’s wife. Her sister and best friend had similarly contacted her.

She is a SAHM to very young children. She recognises there is a major problem and he needs professional help, but at this point sees his behaviour as a plea for help rather than anything more sinister. I gently suggested maybe the issues are deeper than just the “kink” but she wasn’t ready to confront that yet. Unfortunately when she broached all this with him, she shared all of my thoughts that there may be underlying issues of coercive tendencies, narcissism, misogyny etc. Hence my BiL exploding to my DP.

DP is back from overseas and is a mixture of disgusted, furious, etc. I don’t think he fully understands how much this has rattled me, because he’s so rattled himself and asking my advice on how he should proceed.

What a mess.

Thank you @User8563029648123578 and @SusieWicks these are really useful perspectives for me to help process this

Breaking this down there are a few strands.

1. his struggles with his identity, sexuality etc. He sounds like he needs help and going for counselling or seeking support from LGBTQI charities would be best. You could suggest that too him putting down a boundary of you not being the right person to share this wirh, and if he raises it with you again go back with that again.
2. That he sent you explicit messages and images - this is disrespectful and overstepped normal boundaries. He could have expressed his sexuality concerns without the explicit content. If he is on male gay dating sites they are quite explicit (I am told) so he may have not had his filters in place for his contact with you - but that is no excuse. Because of the explicitness I would tell your DP once home and seek support with how to handle it.
3. That he asked you to lie on his behalf and delete texts and not tell others. I would take a copy for safe keeping as you dont know where this is all heading and you might need to evidence it later. Seek support from DP with how to handle it. But I would block his number so he cannot come back to you and draw you in even more to whats going on for him.

@Calmondeck I think if I was you that both you and you husband should just stop trying to help him or guide him. perhaps no contact for a few months till he gets his head together! dont think he will ever think you had the right to speak to you husband about this but bil didnt ask you to sign a nda!! you did the correct thing! his wife is the one who is going to be struggling here, not him.