BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

Oh fuck that!… He violated your “Safe Space” by sending you photos and tmi unsolicited photos and messages and he fucking knows this.

If you can have a chat group with the other women for support and strategy, please do. Do like the women abused by Al-Fayed - team up, make a plan, consider going to the police. There is every chance he's done this before, and he will do it again. Protect the girls under 18 in their extended network. Cyberflashing is a criminal offence.

Obviously raise this with DP and his wife.

She deserves to know in case it's progressed to dogging or something. 'Safe space' - er, what?

Hmm had to put my thinking cap on , if Bil has spoken to you on phone then you know its him , if not , check first ... there are those who lead a lifestyle and know rules/ boundaries.. this is where , in my opinion , boundaries are blurred, its easily done , I took my grown up daughter to a fetish event ... 'wont that happen again ' ... I needed to let my hair down , not feel awkward as mum , my daughter wanted to relate on the subject , thought I'd understand, you see , both my husband and her boyfriend are transvestites , my daughter and I are bi , but actually don't talk about it to each other, I prefer boundaries, it confuses me somewhat...the Bil might have the same issue but I might be wrong and needs a visit from the police...he needs to be adviced to join places called ' The munch ' found on fetlife , they are found up and down the country uk , coffee shops that open at certain times in evenings , that way he can go find his own kind to chat too , and then leave family and friends alone to not be further bothered , it is somewhat awkward , difficult and puts everybody in the wrong place in life , my kind can handle his ways and give him sound advice about legal stuff , it should balance him . Hope this help .

Good grief.

How about you actually read the thread? Or just press 'see all' on the OP to see the OP 's updates?

So he's dumped all this stuff on three women and, presumably, tried to guilt-trip them into keeping it secret with all this "safe space" nonsense. And he's sent porn, which may well be a criminal offence.

It sounds like it's safest to go completely no contact with him, and make it clear that if there is any repetition you will be going to the police.

Had he ever had manic episodes @Calmondeck ? Because if he spent the whole night talking like this and sending porn to you, his wife's sister and his wife's best friend, it sounds very like one.

Do you know how the other two women reacted, and if they've told his wife?

@Calmondeck BIL sending you the unsolicited dick & pornographic pictures, whether they are his member or not, is a serious offence carrying a custodial sentence in the UK now!

He never discussed whether you could be a safe space or if you were comfortable talking about his kink & he certainly didn’t get your permission to send you the inappropriate images so he actually forced the whole sexual situation on you & is now gaslighting you to make himself look like the victim!!
Reality is he has visually sexually assaulted you with the pictures & verbally with his disclosures!!!

I would 100% pass every message to his wife & leave her to deal with him!!!!

His behaviour was NOT ok, you did NOT consent to being part of it & he needs to take responsibility for his disgraceful & inappropriate behaviour!!!!!

I am VERY open minded but he has crossed a boundary in a massive way & there need to be consequences for that boundary cross!!!!!!

So IMO this is the core issue.

He has enjoyed his titilation by putting you, his wife's sister and her best friend (another another woman I guess) in an awkward situation. Well done him.

Be the big person. Let him gloat over his photos of his family and genuinely wish them well.

I have no issues with an older man coming to terms with feelings towards men later in life. He may have missed out on opportunities earlier. But he is still a husband and father, so a bit of respect for others in his life is due.

Sounds like he has a bit of growing up to do, but as you say this is not on you.

“ · Yesterday 18:15

He's no different from a flasher, exposing himself to random women in order to upset them and get a buzz for himself. It is rightly illegal. OP, I admire your calmness in dealing with this. He has committed a crime against you and two other women, and you have every right to report it to police.
At first I thought, if you don't want to involve police at present, let him know that if he tries it again you will report it. But now I'm thinking of his children. They are living with an (unconvicted) sex offender whose behaviour is unpredictable. Do you think social services ought to be contacted? I know it's not your responsibility, but if his wife doesn't take action, those children could be at risk.”

This. He’s dangerous and gets off on abusing women.

I'd tell DP and BILs wife. Fucking pervert is getting a boner sharing this with you 🤮

I'd be absolutely livid.
How dare he! He knew you were alone and took advantage of texting you this shite.

If a stranger had done it you'd report it to the police as abuse of you over the phone.

I can't believe the nerve of the guy.

This is really odd behaviour. You need to speak to him and rule out a few things. Is he suffering with mental illness, was his phone hacked, is he having a breakdown, was it a prank or vendetta against him by somebody. If this is completely out of character then I would be assuming something weird is going on and work that out before creating a big rift in the family. I would dig a bit deeper then tell the right people that need to know. This is just so weird I cant imagine anyone just randomly doing this if something isnt wrong. But if it turns out hes just a weird perv then your SIL needs to know.

I think you're failing to realise OP is a victim here and doesn't need your blame or shame for her reaction.

This is a good suggestion to me OP.

Not a man forcing his shit onto whomever he wants then claiming they're in the wrong if they don't just willingly put up with it??!!!

Shocker.

🙄

This isn't a small one off, him being drunk. It was to multiple people. It may already be affecting his wife and DCs. I'd call social services and let them know about his actions. Their childcare/school may also pick up on issues. (If not now at a later date). Log it now.

I don’t tolerate people who ask me to keep secrets from their partners or my own partner. It should be a given that when you tell someone something, they may tell their partner. I think unless it’s your Mum or a close family member or your best friend and even then I’d only keep it a secret if it was inconsequential.

Your husband has a right to know where to place his brother, not in terms of sexuality but trust. I don’t think sending intimate photos and sex details between two heterosexual people of the opposite sex is appropriate especially when it’s done in secret.

It doesn’t really matter how long it went on for, you weren’t a participant. It’s doubtful that you were enjoying tales of your BIL and how he wants to cheat on his wife to blow job men. Sounds more like you felt obligated to offer him counsel & once you’re in that deep it’s hard to exit politely.

This isn’t on you but I think it could be if you keep it a secret.

No he has openly admitted he did it ( not just to OP) and is annoyed OP told her DH. He is complete entitled twat.

I’m not seeing how BIL is her problem to solve. Asking her to keep sexual secrets from her husband and his wife to maintain his ‘safe space’ is incredibly manipulative and conspiratorial I would shut that down straight away. OP is not his therapist although he is clearly in need of one.

If BILs phone was hacked then why did someone else pick those 3 particular women? BIL did this, he texted women close to his wife because he thought they wouldn't want to tell his DW and upset her, he relied on their love for his DW to protect him.
He's a nasty piece of work Op, your silence doesn't protect your SIL, it just leaves her ignorant of his real nature

Oooh, very snappy Miss AnnieSnap. I don’t find the MN threads so user friendly or when they’re so lengthy d’you think I’ve time to read them all? No. I don’t.